Ok, so I had this nightmare...It was that I had eaten my way back up to 200 pounds.
Then, I realized I was AWAKE and this was a nightmare in the truest sense of the word.
Seriously, is there something WRONG with my brain?
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Gosh, I love having a few days off to just get some projects done I've been putting off as well as having some leisure time...I cleaned out the garage yesterday (now the ole mama van is STUFFED full of things for the local thrift store), AND I was able to watch the first season of Mad Men (the jury is still out on whether or not the show is as amazing as people have said...it's GOOD, I think, but...I'm feeling a little unfulfilled...) AND I was able to catch up on a lot of blogs as well as find new ones. Example (a la Pulp Fiction):
This outrageously amazing lady, who is smart, funny, tough and downright scary honest from the tip of her inspirational head down to the the tip of her awesome big toe nail: http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2008/11/how-can-anyone-eat-that-much.html
Check out THAT entry listed above!! "How can anyone eat that much" blog could've been written by me and many others I know...HOW is it that we can eat astronomical amounts of food and not feel sick, and not even feel overly full? Weird... I feel like a medical experiment sometimes when I binge. It just seems impossible. I know you're all super busy, so I'll put in a paragraph that made me shake my head in agreement:
On a big binge day I know I have eaten around 8000 calories before. You would think that once I stopped eating like that, the weight would just FALL off me, but it doesn't. That's what has made this hard for me (mentally): I can eat an awful lot of food when I am not losing weight, but once I cut back, it comes off slowly. When you have gotten in the habit of eating anything you want, as much as you want, as often as you want, it is a lot of work and discipline to stick to normal amounts of healthy foods. But, as you see, it can be done.
What blows me away is that I understand what she's saying when she says she could eat and eat and eat, but when she put in real, genuine effort (for more than a couple of days, y'all) to cut way down on the food, the weight would not just melt off, but rather would leave rather slowly, like a sloth climbing a tree. Is it that our bodies are wondering if we're serious this time?
Here's another blog entry that knocked me out of my chair...THIS one I think you should read if you're struggling with staying on plan: http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2008/10/every-bite-counts.html Yikes! This lady could be a weight loss coach...that's some good stuff there.
ANY-way...I know cutting back the food CAN be done...what I'm wondering is why I don't consistently DO it. Why do I hate myself so much?
Monday, November 10, 2008
I made it through without getting sick, and those special events I was looking forward to did not disappoint! Daughter recovered quickly, though 12 out of 21 kids in her class were absent that day, each one throwing up with onset of symptoms all occurring within 2 hours of each other. I find that VERY odd...something in the classroom? No one else in our school got sick...
ANY-way, I suck right now as far as my eating goes. I've been super busy since mid October and I KNOW that's no excuse (I can hear Angie rolling her eyes and stomping her feet right now!)...I'm really upset with myself. I am not sure what has gotten into me since mid July when I totally fell off the wagon. It's been 4 months now. 4 months and 15 pounds, y'all. I'm back to feeling depressed, I'm back to FEELING the extra weight in my bones. My clothes, while still fitting, do not look good.
I had a moment in mid October during Shop-A-Palooza...my sister and I visit this cool clothing store in the bay area once a year...last year I weighed 15 pounds less...I KNOW this...but, do you know I walked out of that store with only ONE sweater that looked good, and I was mumbling to my sister: "jeez, they must be making their clothes in smaller sizes this year!" She just looked at me and didn't say a word...
Can you IMAGINE?! What a dork! They're not making their clothes smaller. I'm bigger.
Where to go from here? I need help. Seriously. Psychological help? Do I need to work one on one with nutritionist? WHY can't I seem to get this monkey called "food obsession" off my back? Even if I didn't really lose much more weight than where I was at my "lowest" (which was 176), I was IN CONTROL of my food, and I was happy. I am SO unhappy when I can't seem to control what/how I eat. All the promises I make myself about this being the LAST time I'm going to overeat. About how TOMORROW I will get back on track...it just makes me sick.
My biggest fear as I was losing weight consistently last year, was that I'd gain it all back. I've gained back 15 pounds. What's to keep me from gaining back the other 25?
I feel like I'm drowning. I need a life preserver.
I watched Sex and the City (movie) last night...while I've never really watched more than a few episodes on t.v., I wanted to see the movie, more as one of those things as a woman I felt compelled to do simply because I AM a woman...ANY-way, I didn't like it, BUT there was one part where Samantha (the self professed sex "addict") was gaining weight because she was starting to overeat because she was sexually bored and felt that she may cheat on her dude...so, overeating was her solution so she wouldn't cheat...(great grammar there)...but I started to wonder: am I overeating because of I'm sexually unfulfilled? Interesting idea...
On a more POSITIVE note, everything else is going great.
Hope everyone is enjoying this lovely fall~
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Well, blogging friends...here I am at home today. Daughter is sick. Barfing. Why, oh, why does this have to happen NOW?! My sweet baby has been throwing up all morning; poor muffin! But...could the timing BE any worse?! I think not... The next 5 days are full of things I've been waiting MONTHS, and in some cases, YEARS to do, and...if I'm sick...crapola, I'm gonna be sad, sad, sad! Please think VERY happy, VERY kick-ass immune system thoughts for me!
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
Sunday, October 26, 2008
My cat is HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He returned on Wednesday evening...divine intervention, I'm tellin' ya! I am sooooooo happy!! Took that little bugger to get microchipped yesterday. Also walked around the ole 'hood here and put up some "he's back!" posters, thanking all of our neighbors for their lovely outpouring of kindness, concern and assistance. I'm thinking someone had him in their house, as he didn't stink at all, and certainly didn't seem as if he'd been living outside for days. I'll bet they saw our pathetic posters, or got tired of hearing me calling: "here, kitty, kitty...Swanky...come here, kitty..." (followed by wails and choking fits) from dawn until bedtime.
ANY-way, my boy is back, and I'm so happy.
I DID figure out a few things:
1. I live in the whitest neighborhood known to man
2. My neighbors are really kind
3. I'm a stress eater
SO, long story short...life is just about back to normal, and I'll get back on track here shortly.
Lots o' love,
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Friends, tragedy has struck the house of FatMom. I went away for the weekend (Shop-A-Palooza) which was A.W.E.S.O.M.E.!! BUT, when I got home on Sunday, I said to the husband: Where's my cat?
My cat is missing.
He is a STRICTLY indoor pet. Never been outside in his 2.5 years. And now he's missing. I am heartbroken. Sooooooooo sad. I call him and call him and call him. Nothing. If you "know" me at all, you know that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my animals. I am crushed.
That's a photo of him at top...please think positive thoughts for his safe and timely return.
Friday, October 17, 2008
In our continuing theme of reading new blogs, here's an article you might enjoy discussing how to get the sugar out of your diet, but...actually, it goes a little deeper than that...interesting read (and quick): http://zenhabits.net/2008/10/beat-the-sugar-habit-3-steps-to-cut-sweets-mostly-out-of-your-life/#more-1409
What else? I was having trouble falling asleep last night, and I started making weird lists in my head about random things, though I think you'll see a theme here...care to learn more? I'll start off in a rather tame fashion, then...well, things may get a little naughty...
1. I'm a Gemini, but not the "traditional" Gem...I LOVES me some gossip, but I would rather cut off my pinkie than repeat any of it. You could leave a suitcase full of cash on the table...open, with a "take me" sign, and I wouldn't dare touch it. Shallow? Not terribly so.
2. I'm a vegan. Through and through. Will I try and bring YOU over to the dark side? Nah... but I may make snarky comments about what you're eating and what you're doing to the environment, etc... but only if I LOVE you...
3. I love watching movies, though I tend to be super busy and end up NetFlixing movies people have probably watched 6 months ago. I just watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall (not bad...I loves me some Russell Brand! Booooo-YEAH!), and Lars and the Real Girl (I cried like a baby).
4. I love to read. Anything. If I feel it may improve my life even just a fraction of a hair, I read it. Sometimes, though, I need a Jackie Collins type of read, which I'll sneak...
5. I LOVE foul language! You know how some people can cuss and sound cool? Yeah... I'm not quite there yet, but I'm practicing. I wonder if Rosetta Stone makes a "Cussing to sound cool 101" program? Nearly EVERY song on my iPod has foul language, strong sexual overtones, etc...I wonder if I'm attracted to it because it's my closet alter ego?
6. Speaking of music...I LOVE music! I go to concerts on a regular basis. I love everything from Jason Mraz (he's my boy) to Nine Inch Nails...speaking OF...going to a Mraz concert in November and a NIN concert in December. Taking my wee boy to the NIN concert and my wee girl to the Mraz one. There is NOTHING in the world like being in an arena with 20,000 other fans screaming for the same thing. The energy blows my mind!
7. I only have my ears pierced, though I wish I were brave enough to get my nose pierced with a tasteful stud (and I don't mean Brad Pitt). I think my principal may have an issue with that.
8. I don't have any tattoos, and I don't expect to ever get any. I can't stand things that are permanent.
9. Boys I'd like to have as my brother or best friend (NOTHING sexual): Jason Mraz, Brad Pitt, Jason Segel, Michael Cera, Sean Hayes (guess I like boys who are sweet and smart, and who try to do good out there)
10. Boys I'd spend the night with if they asked (yes, sexual): Craig Ferguson, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Richard Gere (I know, I know...)Javier Bardem, Russell Brand, Clive Owen, Jude Law...(guess I've got a thing for accents...yes, I do)
11. Boys I 'd spend a loooooong weekend with (you know what we're doing): Olivier Martinez, Joaquin Phoenix and Dave Gahan. Heavy on the accents. Dark hair. Oooozing hotness from every pore...yikes!
12. Girls I'd eat guacamole off of: Natalie Portman and Dianne Lane. Short list.
13. Boys a lot of other people think are hot which I find odd: Justin Timberlake, Chase Crawford (why is my gay-dar tingling?), George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Leo deCaprio...really, I could go on...
14. Odd crushes I have, in a slightly sick sexual way, though I'd never act on them, but might dream about them: Daniel Radcliffe (he's legal now), Alan Rickman (mmmm....), Geoffrey Rush (love this guy), James Spader, Robert Downey, Jr., Kevin Spacey, Jeremy Irons.
15. Things I can't stand: dirty feet, dry hands, odd smells which I can't identify/locate, flys buzzing around my house, people who don't get to the POINT quickly, people with terrible spelling/grammar, petty fights, weather that stays exactly the SAME for more than a few days, a stinky house, dishes left in the sink, dogs licking themselves silly (it's the noise), people who live above their means, then complain about how hard/stressful it is, dirty showers, having to unload the dishwasher, making lunches X4 every day, though ONE of us could make their own damn lunch...
16. Things I love (besides the obvious): a clean car, an empty trash can, folded underwear, reading in bed, a big ole hot breakfast the hopefully someone else made, having friends over for dinner and too much wine, cuddling with the kidlets, visiting rescued farm animals, bookstores, lots of blankets piled on top of me, smelling so good I can't stop sniffing myself, rain falling, waking up thinking it's Monday, when it's really Sunday, working up a good sweat, picnics, a movie that makes me think about it for days afterwards, flirting in a most harmless way, being with my friends...
17. Things I would NEVER do, even if Joaquin Phoenix, Dave Gahan AND Olivier Martinez said they'd engage in a menage a quatre with me...: skydive, bungee jump, kill anything (besides a fly...ohhhhh, I'm baaaaad), lie about something uber important, steal anything, cheat on my spouse, abandon my kids, wear fur.
18. Things on my someday list: swim with the dolphins, learn how to play piano, visit the UK.
19. Places I'd like to visit: Canada, east coast, Hawai'i (all within my reach)
20. Thing I'd like to stop doing the most: denying my true self
Now, do you wonder what I look like? I always wonder what people look like...that way I can imagine them whilst reading their blogs...ANY-way, here's a recent picture (I still need to lose 40 more pounds...)...you can click on the photo to enlarge it, since I'm a technical dork and don't know how to enlarge it without distorting it... not the first picture, but the one near the bottom of that post, though I do love the first picture... http://fatmomisaloser.blogspot.com/2008/07/day-203weighing-in-more-towards-end-of.html
Thanks for taking this interesting little journey with me...no worries...I go back to work next week, so I won't be as long-winded!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
So, I was just wasting a little time on the computer, and decided to head over to msn.com ...
I am not up on all the "news" sites/channels, but, I was shocked. Mostly, I like to live in a world where I pretend terrible things aren't happening, and, in general, it works. I'm not naive, per se, but I just don't want to have my face shoved into the messes of mankind. ANY-way, I was at msn and they have a rather small page, packed with "news" stories. I found ONE real news story, and the rest was about celebrities and fashion? But what got me was that there were not less than 5 links to stories about womens' looks/food/dieting.
Here's a sample:
1. Should obese airplane passengers pay more?
2. Chocoholics: What's your chocolate IQ?
3. Women: diet plan to keep you looking young
4. Flattering plus sized styles (trust me, they're not, I looked; oh, and if those models are plus sized, I'm Henry VIII)
5. Guaranteed: lose 30 pounds--no dieting! (now this one is an ad, but, still...)
Sometimes I wonder: if we just stopped obsessing with how we look, maybe we'd end up sliding into the size we're supposed to be, rather than being too big, or, even too small. AND, no wonder women feel so terribly about themselves.
In closing, here's an interesting article from Prevention: http://health.msn.com/womens-health/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100216496&imageindex=1 which discusses how long you'll live (kind of). If those 13 markers REALLY mean anything, I've got 12/13, and therefore should live to a very ripe old age...couldn't give myself #13 on their list...still workin' on THAT one!
I had a busy day yesterday...doing what, I'm not completely sure, but I was busy, I know that. I have a tendency of staying too busy during short vacations, and I never hit the "*sigh* I'm bored" feeling. I WANT to hit that feeling, and it just isn't gonna happen this vacay. Maybe over Thanksgiving week next month. Yeah...
Still having SO much fun reading new blogs, and enjoying them SO much! Here's a couple of more you might enjoy as well:
1. This lovely lady is a crack up, but deadly serious about weight loss/maintenance at the same time. She's clever and her hair is awesome...check out her post from 10/15, entitled: "I don't have a weight problem" http://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com/
2. A thought provoking article... http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/ from this blog in which the discussion is: what would you do if you found out your trainer/health professional had an eating disorder?
Hmmm...that discussion from #2 made me think: if I were getting good results (and the author was), would I be a strong enough person to distance myself from someone who was NOT living a healthy lifestyle? Now, not to give away the ending, the author stood by her trainer as the trainer worked through her bulimia...was she ever "cured?" Doubtful anyone ever is...bulimia seems to be the most difficult disorder to overcome...but one can manage it...but, wow, if I were getting fab results and the person who was helping me get there was self destructive (yet wasn't heaping it on ME), would I kick them to the curb? No...I would gently offer my support in her turning around her lifestyle. Gawd, do I suck, or what?!
I've been overweight many years of my life. The years from 1995 to 2007 were the worst. I probably weighed in the neighborhood of 250 for a year or two, and 220-ish for most of the rest of those years. I'm 5'4" on a tall day, and I wouldn't say I'm "big boned!" I only had ONE person ever say anything to me about my weight all of those years. (Nope, the ONE person wasn't a DOCTOR, either!) I had many "subtle" messages from family and friends, but no one ever said to me: FatMom, you're going to kill yourself!
Growing up, I was chubby...not grossly overweight, but "sturdy." My family gave me shit nearly every day of my growing up years for it. My mom was 102 pounds on a fat day, and clocked in at a hefty 120 when 9 months pregnant at 35 years old. Weight was very important to my mom, and yet it appeared she was blessed with a flea's metabolism. She ATE! I, on the other hand, ate as well, and it stuck to me like bark on a tree. So, I became anorexic. My family LOVED how I looked. (Finally...) Of course all that positive feedback did was reinforce the obsessive need to NOT eat. I became extremely underweight (80 pounds), and FINALLY they became alarmed. All of their shouting and negative comments did was FURTHER reinforce my desire to not eat.
I ended up recovering, at least outwardly, in that I started to eat again, and hovered around 110 pounds for the rest of my late teens/early 20's. But the anorexia was ingrained deeply inside of me. Or, rather, the whole "eating disorder" thing was now a part of every cell in my abused body. When I got pregnant with my son in 1994, both of my parents were dead. My mom had died the month before, and I was sad. I started to eat again...a lot. Between my sadness, my out of control feelings and now a new pregnancy, I ate and ate and ate. I gained 55 pounds with my son. He barely weighed 6 pounds. 9 months later, I got pregnant with my daughter. I kept my weight gain to 40 pounds. She weighed 8 pounds. When I delivered my daughter, I weighed 225 pounds. My husband and I had been married 2.5 years, popped out two kids and I now weighed 100 pounds more than I did the day we got married.
He must have thought: REFUND!!!
Was it the pregnancies that "made" me gain weight? Nah... It was an excuse to eat. For the first time in my life, I felt that I could EAT and no one could say a word.
However, after having my son, I got all the way down (!!) to 170, just before getting pregnant with my daughter. After my daughter was born, things really sucked in my marriage, and I didn't lose any weight, and, in fact...gained a lot more. That's when I got up to around 250+ and stayed there for a couple/three years. I can't believe I didn't have a heart attack.
I went on a zillion diets. Every Monday was "the DAY." God help me if the FIRST of the month was ALSO a Monday, because that was a double whammy.
It took me years to realize my weight was not about eating. It wasn't about food. It wasn't about my marriage, my family, my job, my lack of self discipline (because hey...being anorexic takes more self discipline than you can shake a stick at)...my fatness wasn't about my love of great tasting food...do you know how many times I've eaten something IN ITS ENTIRETY, all the while saying out loud: Gawd, this doesn't taste very good... it was about filling up a hole inside of me with food. And until I could learn to fill up the hole with something besides food, I'd always be fat.
I'm still trying to find what fills up that hole. But I'm learning little bits here and there. I've learned that the hole cannot be filled up with potato chips, cookies or pizza. I think that once I learn to TRULY love myself, then the hole can be filled. Once that hole is filled, I think I'll plant a beautiful tree in it...
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Jeez, I love having time off. I get to catch up on all of my favorite blogs, have time to find NEW blogs to read, and just generally glean a bunch of tasty tidbits of knowledge. Example (a la Pulp Fiction):
1. Today is LOVE YOUR BODY day...do I love my body? I respect my body...still learning the love part
2. Check out this little article by zenhabits: http://zenhabits.net/2008/10/the-only-two-secrets-to-motivating-yourself-youll-ever-need/ Super cool
3. Here's a new blog I've found that's fab: http://theonelastthing.com/
Ahhhh, what else? Very social week planned...last night I met up with some friends (including one who moved to JawJuh (Georgia) a few years ago at a local BOWLING ALLEY! Bowling alley, y'all! Two of the group are in a league and, so...well, it seemed like a good place to meet. Did ya know the bowling alley has a FULL bar?! The last time we were all together (about 2 years ago), we got kicked OUT of a bar. This time? Pretty tame in comparison. Only a few boobie flashes, and only one man who was presented for our consideration (politely declined). So...it was lovely to see the girls again...it's always nice to be able to commiserate with other wives/moms about the daily pleasures, trials and tribulations of life. The JawJuh mom did lap-band surgery a year ago, and holy crap, she looks amazing! Makes me want to do the lap band thingie, but...you all know I wouldn't do it...too chicken...ANY-way, we laughed about how we now weigh less than what our driver's licenses list...and we LIED about our weight THEN! Too funny!
Today it's lunch with the husband at a special place he has picked out just for moi. I've got a play to see on Friday night, and (drum roll)...it's SHOP-a-PALOOZA weekend!! Yeeeee-haw! Every year my sister, my daughter and daughter's best friend, go to the bay area with an obscene amount of money, stay overnight, and just shop to our heart's content. Not for Christmas...just for us...it's my one indulgence for the year...still, I can't help but focus on the fact this year that I'm 10 pounds heavier than I was last year. *sigh* I went out for a little Shop-A-Palooza warm up yesterday, and...dang it! Those 10 pounds puts me up an entire size. Shizzle... Oh, well...I shall just enjoy being with my lovely sister, and make that my primary focus. The little girls are opting out this year, as my daughter HATES shopping, and finally confessed that she would be tortured if she had to go. Ok, so just me and my sister; sounds good, actually ;0)
What else??? Not much...
Enjoy this beautiful fall day, bloggers~
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
So, I've been super busy, super tired and just super-super. I got a promotion at work, though! Yippee! It'll take effect in January, when the new semester starts. I'm excited about it...I'll now be fully integrated into the special education department, and not just flirting around the edges of it.
Besides that, not a whole lot to report. Been on track with eating quite well, and am doing fine with that. I've been SO tired lately, though, that my exercise has suffered...I do have the rest of this week off and my plan is to get back on track. I've found that even 15 minutes 3x/day is helpful to keep me moving and feeling less tired. That's likely the culprit, eh?! I get tired, and want to sleep for that extra half hour instead of exercising in the morning, and yet that ends up making me MORE tired by the time evening comes. Silly me!
Got an email from my new cyber pal, Angie, last week, and I must confess I jumped down her throat with BOTH feet (I have since sincerely apologized) at a comment she made to me...a comment which was meant to be kind and supportive. Being the crankster that I am, however, I jumped on her. Still, it made me think... I was lamenting how HARD (insert whiny voice here) it is to lose weight and that I keep losing and gaining the same freaking 1o pounds! Her comment back to me was (paraphrasing): "Losing weight is a 'no brainer.' Just work hard!"
(Clearing throat...paraphrasing again) Well, I shot back... if losing weight were a "no brainer," I'd be 110 pounds by now. It'll take ME a little more than "effort" and "hard work" to lose.
So I started wondering...WHY was I so fired up by that comment? Is it REALLY just a matter of "hard work" and "effort?" Or does it go deeper than that? Was I offended because I know she's right? Was I miffed because she made me realize that despite whatever history I have with food, I AM in control of the choices I make? Is this REALLY a situation when it IS all about me?
I was in a "staff development" training yesterday (I think I'm "developed" enough, though...), and something one presenter said really struck me... she said: When we blame other people, we give our power away.
Dang it...Angie's right...mostly ;~)
Gawd, I LOVE being around people smarter than myself. Thanks, Angie!
Love to all,
Monday, October 6, 2008
I'm tired, folks. Just feeling drained today. Crabby and drained. See what hormones will do to a gal? I feel like I need a good cry and a nap. Better than a box of Oreo's and a tub of soy cream, that's for sure. Of course I won't get ANY of that stuff...I'll have to settle on a bean burger and Monday night football. Eh, that sounds ok, too.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
So things are moving along fine. No great shakes, nothing too outrageous to report. Just kind of blah, blah, blah. Last night as I was falling asleep, I was thinking: jeez, my life is B-O-R-I-N-G! I need to squish some excitement in there! Not the "bad" kind of excitement that may come from a health issue or whatnot...but FUN. I mean, I do have fun, but...I guess that's the Gemini in me...I just crave newness all the time. I get used to things to quickly and then I get bored. Not the irresponsible kind of bored, but, just...BLAH.
But things are great. Just keepin' on keepin on...
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Wow, do I have the most wonderful cyber friends, or what?! You all have such insight, wisdom and good old fashioned commiserative skills. You are all so wonderful!
Better today...don't know what changed, except my crappy attitude. I exercised this morning, which I DIDN'T yesterday, so I'm wondering if that helped. Of course I can't really call it "exercise" this morning, as I was walking at a snail's pace on the treadmill trying to finish a project for my principal, which...is a little overdue...STILL, I congratulate myself on NOT skipping the "workout" to work, and instead stayed on track (ha, a pun!) and walked despite the snail's pace.
Ready for a REAL workout this afternoon; I have to change into workout clothes the second I get home, or...well, I may decide those breakfast dishes are more important than my health. And we all know THAT'S not true!
On a more serious note...I've been thinking of my blogging-pal, Kim... http://icannotbelieveiamblogging.blogspot.com/ ... and her journey... she is so honest and real, and I love her for it. She's been talking a bit lately about how HARD it is to lose weight, but how much HARDER she thinks it's going to be to maintain her weight once it's all gone. She's also been lamenting the fact that she still has a few pounds to go, and that despite losing 70 (!!!!) pounds so far, those last few pounds may as well be 70 more due to the psychological weight of it all. I feel for her...I do, but I can't help doing a little happy jig in my head for the excitement she must feel at losing 70 pounds! So, she can worry, and I will dance, because I know she's going to be just fine. We all hit stumbling blocks, but we can move through it. She has, she will. I find a lot of inspiration in her. Check her out...
Also been thinking of my other blogging-inspiration, FATINAH http://fatinah.blogspot.com/ ; talk about a cutie pie who is nearly ALWAYS positive and kicking butt on her workouts! I always smile when I read her posts. She's come a long way, and if you're in need of some attitude shift with regards to exercise, she's the go-to-gal.
I never thought I'd find "friends" in cyber space. But I have, and I love you all!
OH! Forgot to tell you... visited with my beloved ducks the other day! They're soooooo precious! I swear that somewhere in a tiny recess of their peanut brains, they recognize me! BUT, my male is being bad...he's chasing the blind ducks around and being aggressive with them. He and his girl had to be moved to another part of the yard...I hope he straightens himself out. Either that, or the sanctuary lady said she'd have to find another home for them. I can barely handle them being in THAT fabulous place...I can't even begin to think of them going anywhere else. Think positive...
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
So, I had a tough day. No particular reason, just...feeling as if it were a tough day. I don't have PMS. I have no idea what's up. No, wait...I do...I need to stop lying about my feelings. But I lie because I don't want people to think I'm a jerk. Or that I'm self-important. Or, WHATEVER...
But I know I can be 100% honest here...
The truth is, I have a problem with self esteem. A big problem. I constantly think that if people are not falling all over me, they must dislike me. If people are not stopping to chat, they must be mad at me for something (what, I cannot fathom, truly...). If men are not flirting with me, I must be ugly. If my students at school are having a tough day, it must be my fault.
Child of alcoholics syndrome? I don't know... What I DO know, is that I HATE that about myself. The need for constant reassurance that I'm needed and appreciated. Not necessarily LOVED, but I have this near panic-stricken need to be NEEDED and appreciated. I have a hard time feeling important, and I guess that's how I can feel important. Jeez, I'm also a crazy people pleaser.
I eat for many reasons, and that is one of them. To fill up a hole inside of me. It certainly doesn't work. It just makes the hole larger. More dangerous and dark. This is largely why I have a weight problem. That's certainly how I GOT fat in the first place. Trying to fill up the hole; trying to quiet the panic. Doubtful anyone ever found the the way out of that hole in the bottom of a bag of chips, however.
*sigh* Still, I've been on track the last few days...things are fine. Just crabby today...I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 23, 2008
I'm going to try something new...only weigh in once a week. Now, for many of you, that may sound nuts. Nuts as in "WHAT?! She weighs herself MORE than once a week?!" THAT would be the comments of the "sane" people out there. BUT, if you're like me and you're scale obsessed, you may find yourself breaking out in a cold sweat. As in: "WHAT do you MEAN?! Only weigh in once a week?! Are you out of your mind?!" Perhaps I am. This coming from someone who weighs herself ONLY during the following circumstances:
1. When I wake up
2. After my cup of coffee and shower
3. Before my morning "bathroom" trip
4. After my morning "bathroom" trip
5. When I get home from work
6. After I exercise
7. After dinner
8. Before bed
Yes, no less than 8 times a day. On some days, it could be more often. Yes, I DO hold down a full time job, have two kids, multiple pets, a house and a husband.
But, still...I will try to WI only once a week. Now, let's be honest, though...I may only be able to go so far as to not WI in the MORNINGS. I may still have to peek in the afternoons/evenings. What can I say? I've got issues.
Best to all,
Monday, September 22, 2008
So, I am feeling a bit better today, and, actually...throughout the weekend. I did stay on track quite well this weekend, and that always makes me feel a lot better about EVERYTHING in my life. When my food is "in control," my LIFE is "in control." As soon as I start to feel out of control, for any reason, my eating reflects that.
But, what, friends, has happened to me these last couple of months. No, I have not taken any new medications. Nor have I done much different except slack off on my eating and exercise plan. Oh, DUH! That would do it, wouldn't it? Slacked off terribly like a 35 year old unemployed dope smoker still living at home? No, not that bad. More like a teenager rebelling just a bit. It's tough when you lose your mojo. *sigh* Got to figure out how to get it back.
DID join a new challenge! I'm excited to say that I've already "met" some new friends who have been very kind in their compassion towards me and my reluctant to leave poundage. Want to check out the challenge? Here's the link: http://biggestloserblogedition.blogspot.com/ Seems like a lovely group of peeps.
I read a discussion in yesterday's paper about Biggest Loser and how it actually messes a lot of viewers up and how it degrades the contestants. Now, unless you're a bit short in the brain cell department, you MUST realize that show is unrealistic from the standpoint of WHO can leave their families, sequester themselves for months on end, have the benefit of personal chefs, not having to work, being busted in the ass by the trainers constantly, et. al? Not many people, I'm afraid, can do that. And, I wonder, what happens to them AFTER the show? When they have to go back to "real" life and jobs, families, stress? Having to shop and cook for themselves? I wonder... Secondly, as far as degrading the contestants, I'm guessing they knew what they were in for when they went to the first call, and the call backs, and finally, when they were selected for the show. Not one of them seems lacking upstairs.
Still, how fun it is to see the weight drop off. To see that with good old fashioned hard work, it CAN be removed. That's the PHYSICAL side. I find the PSYCHOLOGICAL side of eating and of being fat far more difficult to remove. But I know it can be done. I've seen it. I've DONE it. I can CONTINUE to do it.
P.S.: Why does everyone get so upset over my name? Please...it's not a big (ha! a pun!) deal.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Wow...I am just in a rut right now. I am barely making any efforts at all, and the siren song of food is very hard to resist right now. I'm wondering if I am subconsciously stressed? Why else would I feel this intense desire to eat, eat, eat? Hmmm...
Still exercising on a regular basis, so that's good...but...something in my little equation of success is missing. What is it?!
I've been sliding down the hill into FatCity since my reunion in mid July. 10 weeks now. Gaining a pound a week...WTF?!
I'm now at a weight where I'm SCARED. Will I gain it all back? I now have my (not so little) fat roll above my waistband back as a constant companion. Funny thing is, that roll has been BIG, BIG, BIG in my life, depending what weight I was currently entertaining at the time. I hardly noticed it leave (so quietly, so subtly, just slipped away...) back 10 pounds ago, but MAN, does he make a loud, stumbling-home-at-2 a.m.-drunk-through-the-back-door-with-someone-he-picked-up-from-the-bar-whilst-wearing-his-beer-goggles, ENTRANCE back into my life. I feel that roll constantly now, and it's driving me nuts.
What do you do to jar yourself back into getting on track? What does it take for you? I think I need a "scared straight" intervention. Can you help me, friends?
Help Me, Please~
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Sick today. Well, FatMom sick. See, my stomach is very sensitive. Here's an equation for ya:
Indulging in wrong for me foods + stress + hormones = FatMom feeling like she has the flu
Back in 2001/2002 or so, this was the norm for me. I spent the better part of 6 months feeling like I had morning sickness. Now I say this because oddly enough, sometime around late morning to early afternoon, I feel completely normal. But in the middle of the night, early in the morning, I feel like hell. I'm nauseated, I have diarrhea, I'm sweaty, I'm freezing, and I feel exhausted. I can tell that my "off plan" eating these last couple of weeks has caught up with me, adding on top of that some stress, and my period getting ready to start, and it was a combo that was gonna line up with a "7-7-7" and a jackpot of ickiness.
So, I had to call in sick to school today. Man, I hate that. I don't like not working. So much so that I re-contacted staff and said I'd be in at 11. I feel guilty. It's not as if I'm contagious, so I feel supreme guilt. Add on top of that the fact that I'm already slated to take Friday off for a long family weekend at the beach. (insert more guilt) It's our annual trip, and man...I'd better NOT be sick!
Any-whooooo, I'm going to lay down for a wee bit, though I am sure I can get through the day now.
Friday, September 5, 2008
So, still nothing new...but I did have a few weird dreams. Care to interpret?
Dream #1: My daughter had ants crawling out of her ear.
Dream #2: I had crabs in my pubes.
Dream #3: I kissed my son's teacher. Teacher is a "she." WTF?
Clearly I shouldn't eat chocolate right before bed. Either that or they should really drug test teachers.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Holy, holy crap, but things are boring right now. I have no drama to report that's interesting, no spectacular feats, no incredible teacher-student breakthroughs, no NOTHIN'. *sigh* I know it doesn't make for a very interesting blog, but rest assured, that tomorrow is another day, and surely SOMETHING will happen tomorrow.
So, I'll just randomly ramble...
I still miss my ducks something fierce. I still F*C&ing HATE who ever it was that called the county on me. I hope whomever it was is reincarnated as a pus filled hemerrhoid on my fat ass. No, I hope they're reincarnated AS a fatty. Wait, I hope they're a celebrity who gets FAT.
I got my face waxed again, and I only ended up with ONE tiny zit. That's good news.
I bought some contacts which "enhance" my natural eye color. Please. If you know me, you could totally tell. My eyes are VERY light blue. These make them ocean-ish blue. STILL, people who know me tell me they don't look crazy fake. So, I wear them on occasion. Kind of like dress up. I figure: hey, that's not totally my natural hair color...my lips are not pinkish-terra cotta in color...that certain glow in my cheeks comes from a compact. SO, why not use some color enhancers? What's the difference between make up/hair color and embellishing my natural eye color?
I've been going to bed at 10 p.m. lately. I've found this makes it easy to get up at 5:45 a.m. If I go to bed at 10:30 or 11, I lay in bed kicking the mattress when the alarm goes off in the morning. Not a "zen like" way to start your day. So, 10 p.m. it is. And that's IN bed at 10 p.m., not mosey into the bathroom at 10, pluck gray hairs from head, apply all manner of facial cleansers, toners, acne cream (yes, I break out still), post acne fade cream, special eye crap, pluck stray hairs from chin/lip area, brush teeth, apply lip balm, lotion entire body, take out contacts and use prescription nasal spray. Oh, and work in a pee. By the time I do all that crap, it's 10:15. SO, 10 it is. Gotta be very strict.
Why do people trust me so much? This has happened to me my whole life. People assume I'm trustworthy. They give me their kids, they give me their cars, keys to their houses, their secrets. Why?
I want to see the new DeNiro/Pacino movie.
Gonna go out of town this fall several times. Looking forward to each one for different reasons.
Feeling a bit overwhelmed by all that I have to do.
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the following blog: http://yeahthatveganshit.blogspot.com/ check out her entry for September 3rd. You may recall I am a vegan, which is how I FOUND her blog, but I keep reading it because she's sooooooooooooo funny. Warning: she can be crude and use off color language, so, if you're very conservative, don't read it. BTW, why are are you reading THIS blog, then? So, stop.
Feeling comforted by a piece of brownie. Not good. BUT, I only ate one. Still not good, but, better than eating half a pan.
I've got to get myself together for tomorrow.
Love to all,
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
Man, day "250." I used to WEIGH 250. Scary stuff.
Nothin much new round here. Had a great holiday weekend. Found out I need 3 days just to get all the chores done AND get some fun in. Wouldn't it be cool to work 4-10's? I already do that anyway. It would be just sick (I hang around too many kids) to make it official, though.
Exercise is going well. I'm back at it after all that extraneous and unexplained bleeding from last week.
So boring. So sorry.
Friday, August 29, 2008
I went back to exercising today. It felt good! I've finally stopped bleeding (mostly). What a weird thing...
What else...OH! I cut my hair last night...well, I didn't cut it...my stylist did...ANY-way...I told him I was in the mood for something different...now, I trust him implicitly, so I wasn't worried. But WHOA...different is right! My hair is now as short as a boy's in the back, with some longer layers in the front. Kind of like a Katie-with-the-new-haircut-Holmes + Jackie O. And it's dark...no more highlights. People like it, though I had one 4th grader tell me today: Ewww...I don't like it! But everyone else was positive. So, we'll see if it's a keeper. I've never had hair this short before. I think I'll need to remember to wear sun screen on the back of my neck!
Not much goin' on...3 day weekend sounds nice. We'll be visiting friends out of town tomorrow. They had a baby 4.5 months ago, so I can't wait to meet her! Miss Squeaky is her nickname! How cute is that?!
Sorry for the blah-blah-blah post. But I'm kind of happy for the last few (mundane) days.
Happy Labor Day Weekend, Folks~
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I'm tired. Freaking tired. I really miss exercising...I think I'll get back on track again tomorrow despite the continued bleeding, which has lightened up a wee bit. I've been oddly hungry the last few days, which seems contradictory to my not exercising. *sigh* Well, maybe it's stress.
I was cleaning out my personal junk drawer the other day in my nightstand. You'll never guess what I found...well, maybe you might if you're a fatty like me...one who keeps obsessive lists on weights and measurements. Every once in a while I'll find an old "list" and marvel over how I have had to work so hard just to lose these 30-40 pounds. So, I found a note where I'd written that on a particular day, I weighed 239 pounds. Wow... I'm sure I was likely even heavier than that at some point, but I'd stopped weighing myself. Can you believe it? 239 pounds?! Even more shocking? At about the same time in history, I found cards from my husband which said how much he loved me. So weird... I can't fathom the idea that someone could love me for reasons besides how I look. I know I'm 38...I'm just NOW getting to the point where I can believe that. All my life I was only appreciated for how I looked. Then I got REALLY fat. And no one appreciated my any more. I was literally invisible. I had to "re-invent" myself. I had to let the "real me" come out. It's been nice. But, man...can you believe that? I was probably around 250 pounds at my heaviest. I'm 5'4." Crazy...
Gak... I just want to crawl into bed with my kidlets and cuddle. Smell their hair, touch their soft skin, and let my body melt into theirs.
Monday, August 25, 2008
WARNING: GRAPHIC POST!
Ok, so something is going on with me health wise. I've noticed for the last year that whenever my cervix gets "bumped" (you can imagine how), it bleeds just a wee bit. Not a lot, just a wee bit. Nothing that has concerned me. So, on Thursday, I went in for my (kind of) annual Pap test. My doctor says: So, are you on your period? No, I answer. Why? Well, she says, I just barely tapped your cervix and a wall of blood came gushing out. I don't know that the test will be able to be read it's so bloody. (I'm still thinking: oh, well, probably just a bit of blood.) She says my cervix is "friable" (read: sensitive). Still not worried. Well, why could it be that way, I ask? Well, she says, could be anything from my thyroid being out of whack (it's not) to infection (read: STD), to cancer. Holy shit... I'll take the thyroid. The other two? I'll leave those at the door.
She tells me if the techs can't read the test, it'll be about 3 weeks. If they CAN read the test, it'll be about 6 weeks. Why so long, I ask? Seems there's 62 gyns in the system, and they each do about 30 Paps a day; you do the math, she says. Then she gives me a pad. Well, y'all, not to be tooooo graphic, I went to the appointment in a dress, sans undies due to the heat. I was to embarrassed to tell her that. So, after she left the room, I made a hillbilly tampon out of medical grade paper towel material. I get home, get busy with chores, and about a half hour later (now about an hour after the appointment), I feel something. Yup, blood. Running down my legs. I go in the bathroom to remove said hillbilly "tampon" and just about hit the floor. Blood? Oh, no...this is like something out of CSI. And clots? Walnut sized. I have NEVER, NEVER bled like this before. After having my kids, yes, but any other time? Nooooo...
I call the advice nurse. She says she can't tell me anything because I haven't had a pad on. Seems that if I put on a pad and go through 4 (yes, four!) overnight pads in an HOUR then I should be worried. Until then, nah... Ummm...here's my deal: This is not normal for ME. Perhaps for someone else who is a heavy bleeder, yes. For me? No way.
Long story short...I've been bleeding on and off since Thursday. Enough to have to "wear" something. WTF? Anyone else have something like this happen? Why am I the only one concerned?
ALSO, I got some bad news about my classroom on Friday. LOOOONG story short: I am to be removed from my classroom until January (!!!), and "float" as a support to four (4!!!) other classes due to a mistake someone made in administration. I'll get to come back to my class in January. Gee, thanks. In the meantime, I will miss my "kids" something fierce! And my DS girl? Oh...I'm so sad... It has taken me this long (summer/first two weeks of school) to develop a good relationship with her...and now? I'll be "gone" from her for 4 months. In 4 days she won't have anything to do with me. 4 months?! Remember her intellect is similar to a preschooler...she needs me there every day for us to have a bonded relationship. When I come back in January she'll likely be hostile towards me. Sad, sad, sad. I'm so sad. All that hard work down the drain.
SOOOOOOOOO, I'm feeling a little crapped out. Worried about my health. Worried about my "kids." Just a little worried in general.
Friday, August 22, 2008
Wednesday, August 20, 2008
Feeling really hungry this afternoon. I think it may be because I didn't drink enough water today. That could explain the small headache I'm dealing with, as well.
Nothing really new...things are going well...I've tracked my food now for 3 days. Going over my calorie count slightly each day...THAT could explain why I can't lose much weight on a permanent basis...I've been over about 100 calories each day. Grrr...so close, and yet...
Well, I'll get into the groove of things. Can't expect perfection right out of the gate, I suppose.
Back To School Night tonight...I hate these things...
Monday, August 18, 2008
What is going ON with me?! I've gained 10 pounds in a month. How do I DO that? I mean, seriously? HOW can that happen? I've been super active, eating more than usual, but not totally out of control...HOW can I gain 10 pounds? If you've been reading this blog for more than a month or so, you'll realize that I CAN gain 10 pounds in a month, and I do...too often. And yet I am still completely taken by surprise when it happens. Sometimes I wonder if I will EVER get below the high 170's.
But you know what? I feel good. Not as good as I feel 10 pounds lighter, but I feel good. I think it's because I've kept my exercise up.
Still, little things happen when I get this heavy. My feet start to hurt a bit. My feet and hands stay perpetually swollen just a bit. There's a fullness to my face that's not completely pleasant. I find it harder to get up off the floor after working with a student. My thighs rub together. Oh, wait! They rub together no matter what...
Back to planning my meals and snacks again. That's the only thing that works, and yet I rebel against it with all my heart. I HATE writing down everything. I hate planning like that. I feel so stifled. So dominated. So completely without any spontaneity. Blech. But, do it I will...at least for a little while. Then I'll stop. And gain back the 10 pounds I lost. Jeez, do I need therapy? Seriously...Has anyone else gotten over this psychological hump? Do tell...
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad FATINAH is back! I missed her so much...where did she go? I'll have to read all about it...didn't know she left...did I miss something in her blog?
Thursday, August 14, 2008
So, school started on Wednesday. It's been great so far, though I imagine that's because of two distinct reasons:
1. We haven't done anything remotely academic
2. The kids are exhausted because no doubt they all continued to stay up until midnight the night before school started
Nah...it's gonna be a great year! What a cool group of kids this year...Really super excited about it!
On the exercise front, all continues to go well. I'm still trying to map out exactly how long it takes me to get out of bed, make 3 lunches, exercise, shower, get two kids up and showered, get dressed, do hair/make up, eat AND get to school by 8. Me thinks 5:45 a.m. is what it's going to take. Jeez, that's akin to the middle of the night for me. But that's how much I enjoy my exercise, folks!
Going to meet coworkers out tomorrow afternoon after school for a celebration...a "we made it through hell week," type of thing. I don't normally drink, and when I do, it's a VERY small glass of wine. I may just indulge in two (!!!) drinks tomorrow. Been tough getting ready... And HOT?! OMG, it has been a decent summer weather wise, until the first day of school. THEN, someone turned on the heater full blast. Yikes...as a fatty, I hate hot weather. I love wearing dresses and skirts, but in the heat? Man, my thighs are a damp, sticky mess by lunchtime, and by the end of the day, likely marred by red bumps which are painful due to excess fat rubbing together. A regular swamp-o-rama down there...Blech... THERE's a great reason to lose fat from the thighs. Lipo sounds pretty good about now...
Hope everyone is enjoying these dog days of summer. I miss my friend FATINAH...I'm really starting to get concerned. She hasn't posted to her blog for over 2 weeks now, and that's just not like her. Has anyone heard from her? FatMom is worried...and when FatMom is worried, FatMom eats...we don't want that, now do we? Ok, FATINAH...come out, come out wherever you are...
Best to all,
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Well, I think my weight being up is a combo of several factors:
1. Aunt Flo is due any second
2. I've been eating waaay too much this week
3. Stress (see #1 and #2 again)
4. Vicious cycle of 1, 2 and 3...the trifecta of DOOM!
I was actually somewhat relieved when I checked the calendar and saw that Aunt Flo is due any second...because I always feel that I'm starving right before her visit and I start to feel crazy...like: What is WRONG with me? Why am I obsessing about food?? Why am I eating salty foods with such abandon? THEN, I check the calendar and realize I'm not crazy. It's just hormones. I think I'd better get back to taking my calcium supplements again; that's supposed to help.
Went to the mall last night to find some new clothes. I actually got a skirt, a sweater and a shirt. All for less than $30. Gotta love August! Everyone wants to clear out their summery stuff and get in the fall stuff. But here in the Central Valley of CA, it's summer until November 1st, so that sleeveless top will get a lot of wear in the coming weeks, believe me.
School starts on Wednesday. I'm at the point now where I'm just thinking: Let's just get it started. See, for me, the anticipation is always WAY worse than the actual event. I am looking forward to it in a way...well, for selfish reasons...I always do better with the whole diet/exercise program during the school year because I'm in a set routine (routine + FatMom = good!). I plan on sketching out weekly menus again...at least for a while...though I'm so aware of serving sizes, etc...my problem, though, with not planning/writing, is that I think nothing of a cookie here, a handful of chips there...next thing you know, I'm probably over my calorie allotment by 300...not good when you are cursed with a finicky metabolism.
Got the book "Rethinking Thin." I hope to start it sometime this week. I'll let you all know (yeah, there's soooooooooooooooooooo many of you reading this blog) how it is. HEY! There's an idea... How about every one of you reading my blog leave a comment, even if it's just one letter of the alphabet...that'd be fun...
Saturday, August 9, 2008
Too busy this a.m. to weigh in. Well, rather, I forgot in the craziness of the first day I had to get myself up at 6:15 for school. Lucky for me, I only had to get MYSELF ready this morning. I did get 20 minutes in on the treadmill this morning, which is ok if I do an afternoon session, too. But, things were crazy around here this afternoon (5 p.m.) when I got home, so...no afternoon workout :~(
Staff development was good...I brought my pillow, so...only a minimally sore rump tonight.
Nothing much going on...
Thursday, August 7, 2008
I ate a lot of salty foods last night, so I wasn't surprised I was up 2 pounds this morning. It's ok.
Got up this morning and hit the treadmill for a challenging 20 minute walk (I usually run at night...not in the morning, as my bones are still working out all the kinks from the night before and I don't want to do anything jarring). Then went to school all freakin' day to help other teachers move into their new classrooms. Gawd, but I am pooped! I decided to skip the afternoon workout due to all the manual labor I did today.
Was soooo tired by the time I got done, but I had to take my son out for a haircut. Whilst at the haircutting salon, both kids started complaining they were hungry...so, we rung up the husband and asked him to meet us at a local restaurant. I indulged in a few onion rings (whoooooeeeeee, my favorite, y'all) and a veggie burger with steak fries. Jeez, talk about fat! But it tasty!
Tomorrow I have "staff development" ALL day (Monday, too! oh, boy!)...the boy and the husband are driving down to So CA tomorrow evening/night to help my step son move into his first apartment this weekend. *sigh* Wow, they grow up quickly! I met my stepson when he was 13 months old. Now he's 18. Going to Europe. Skydiving. This kid has done more in his 18 years than I've done in my 38. I'm excited for him! I will miss my boy... the daughter and I will have to come up with some fun stuff.
Enjoy yourselves, and think of me tomorrow and Monday...think happy thoughts for my soon to be completely flat butt!
Wednesday, August 6, 2008
Yesteday I hit the ole treadmill for one 20 minute session in the morning, followed by a 50 minute session in the afternoon. It was luuuhhhhvley...I did a total of 4 miles, so I'm not going at a breakneck pace, but it was enough to get a good sweat rolling. Burned 550 calories total. Phew, but I get hungry when I work out! And I was feeling a wee bit stressed last night, so I found myself eating (mostly healthy) food when I wasn't even hungry. I guess the good news is that I KNEW I wasn't hungry, and I was AWARE I was still eating anyway. Progress, not perfection, right? I'm moving in the right direction.
I'd posed a question to cyber-inspiration, Kim, the other day...we were "discussing" whether or not she felt tired by the fact that she (and myself) had to be 'on our game' 24/7 when it comes to eating and exercise in order to lose weight and at times, even, MAINTAIN our weight. I said it bothered me that I couldn't eat like a "normal" person. I had to be hyper-vigilant. Well, friends, it wears me out. That's probably why I keep losing and gaining the same 5 pounds over and over. Maybe if I just eased up a weeeeee bit, then I wouldn't have these localized binge episodes that I have to spend the next 7 days working to undo... Does that work for you? To be "on track," but not freakishly obsessed?
But it's hard. I've had lifelong eating disorders of one type or another. I'm 38, and I remember VERY clearly odd eating patterns from the time I was 3! THREE! So sad... It's sad that I've spend 35 years having a dysfunctional relationship with food. Sad that I've wasted so much energy being freaked out by when I was going to eat again, what I was going to eat, what I WASN'T going to eat, how LONG I wasn't going to eat, how if I DID eat, I'd need to be near a bathroom because I'd be running to the toilet after I ate because I'd get diarrhea because my body didn't know what to DO with food since it got it so rarely...how I'd count the minutes until my husband would go to work so I could binge, how I'd need to make sure I had mints in my car so that I could cover up my "fast food breath" when I got home from errands, how giddy I'd get to actually have a few dollars in CASH so that I COULD go to a drive thru (yes, I know I spelled it in that manner) and use the cash so the purchase wouldn't show up on our bank account because I used my debit card...how I would find trash cans on my way home from errands to dispose of chip/candy wrappers so as not to bring the "evidence" home...how I'd drive home with the windows down (no matter the weather) to "air out" the car and thus destroy any "food smell" evidence... See?? Sick, sick, sick...
I am happy to say I am 90% "better" now. But I will always have it inside of me. Like any recovering addict, I will always be in "recovery mode," no matter how long I've been "sober." But isn't the whole food addiction thing so hard? A drug addict can make sure he/she is not in a crack house; an alcoholic can avoid parties; a gambler can not go to a casino or track...but we have to eat EVERY DAY. So, every day I have to face my demons. That's probably why I was anorexic for so long. I couldn't learn how to deal with food in a healthy manner, so, I just avoided it all together. That's likely how I became an overeater, as well...I couldn't eat a "proper" amount of food, so I just ate and ate and ate. But that's me...I don't just do something a little bit, I do it in a big way.
*sigh* It sounds terrible, but really...it's not. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO thankful that I have been able to lose 35-40 pounds. I'm thankful that I am no longer pre-diabetic. I am thankful that I can run a 5K with no problems. I am thankful that my blood pressure is very healthy. I am thankful that my feet don't ache from the moment I step on them in the morning. I am thankful my kids are no longer embarrassed of my appearance. I am thankful I am no longer disgusted by my appearance. Would I like to lose more? Oh, yes... 20 more, at least... I want to be REALLY healthy, and I think that would put me in that category. 20 more beyond that is just vanity, mostly.
But, hey...is there really anything wrong with wanting to look good?
P.S.: Yes, I love my "name!" I AM a fat mom...even if I'm thin, I'll always be a fat mom.
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
Finally some movement on the scale. Jeez! It was not the best weekend food wise, though, I must say, it was quite delicious...and I think I was holding a lot of water yesterday. Good to see it took a hike.
I did two 20 minute sessions yesterday on the treadmill. I didn't want to come blasting back to cardio only to find myself in major pain, so I thought two 20 minute sessions would be nice. It was! Long enough to blast off 200 calories at a clip, so...400 calories yesterday. Makes up for my snack I had (soy/coconut milk "yogurt" and some Nature's Path cereal), which is so yummy, but...jeez, about 375 calories. Too many for a "snack," I'd say, but...I felt I needed some sugar in my system in the 60-90 minutes before I worked out (after a looooong day of working at school).
Watched a movie last night I'd recommend to anyone who has ever struggled with any kind of eating disorder (overeating, bulimia, anorexia...). It's a fictional story of two women who befriend each other (kind of); one is an overeater and one is anorexic. Being that I've been both of those women, I found it especially stirring. It's called DisFigured, and really, the thrust is on accepting yourself at the weight you're at right now, but also making efforts to change that fact if you're in a dysfunctional relationship with food. I guess emphasis on "health," would be a better thing to say? Good movie. Low budget movie, but good movie.
In the "bonus" section of the movie, there's a part where the writer (?) recommends a book, called "Rethinking Thin." I've already ordered it. I don't want to be fat anymore, but I don't want to be fat anymore for health reasons...well, that's 85% of the reason. The other 15% is because I wanna look hot! But, finally, the health reasons are larger (ha!) than the vanity reasons. It took me about 36 years to get there, but I finally got there.
Speaking of "hot..." So, I went out with the husband on Saturday night. I got all brave and wore a dress that shows a lot of boob, but in a rather tasteful way. The rest of the dress is flowy, though not "mumu-ish," so it's a nice balance. I kept the make up and jewelry to a minimum so that I didn't cross over into "floozy" category. Can I tell you, ladies, cleavage draws a lot of attention. We were in a very high end restaurant, so, it was subtle attention, but attention none the less. The husband asked at one point: "Does it flatter you, or does it make you feel uncomfortable when someone (guy) looks at your boobs?" I thought carefully for a moment... I said: "It doesn't really make me feel anything. It's human nature to look. I look, for heaven's sake, when there's a lot of cleavage...you can't HELP it...and I'm no where near lesbian...so, no...I don't know...it doesn't really mean anything to me." And I don't think it does. But, it's odd to have to come to terms with people LOOKING at you again.
Has anyone else had to work through that? I know you have, ladies... come on and share... how do you get completely comfortable with people looking at you again?
Ah, speaking of "looking..." I did something I thought I'd never do again...I bought a full length mirror. Unless you've ever been REALLY overweight, you may not get this concept. I had a hard enough time looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, let alone my WHOLE body. So, this is big (ha! I'm full of puns!).
Well, I'm arf to do a quickie 15-20 minute exercise session before showering and heading into school. I enjoy these leisurely days...I think I'll get to school about 9:30 or so. Ahhhh....
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Duck visit was good...so great to see my babies! My girl (the one with the lame foot) is limping more that she was in June when I took her up to the sanctuary. But I think that's because she doesn't like the ground she's on...she's used to soft grass, and I think that helped her foot. The middle toe--the deformed one--looks more swollen and pronounced, too...the ground is hard, packed earth, with tiny pebbles strewn about (in a natural way, not because they put rocks out there). No wonder she spends so much time in the pond...must be soothing to her foot.
They were wary of me, which is good...I brought them their favorite foods, and they ate happily...well, they ate once another duck decided to try it...they they dove right in. It was nice to see them enjoy their treats (melon, cucumber, zucchini, romaine lettuce, Cheerios). They get along with the other ducks, but they let them all know THEY'RE in charge...glad to see they are not getting pushed around!
I think I'll offer my foster duck mom some sod later this month when I go up for a visit. She's a special lady to do what she does...I'm so thankful!
In other news (a la Tom Tucker), we got the treadmill up and running (ha! a pun!!)...took a fitness test, which measures your fitness age. Recall, ladies and gents, that I am 38. My fitness age is 23 (?!). I was surprised...and a bit skeptical! I guess my heart recovers nicely, though, after aerobic activity...I guess I haven't damaged the ole ticker too badly, which I was concerned about, seeing as how I have likely taxed it by being fat, thin, fat, thin, fat, fat, fat...Any-whooo, did 3.5 miles, and I feel awesome!!
Thinking about doing a little shopping this lazy Sunday...seems that I always have either too many tops and not enough bottoms, or vice versa. Right now, I have too many bottoms. I need shirts, y'all!!
Thanks to all my cyber friends for your continued and unwavering support. You all are d'bomb!
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Today I get to see my ducks!!! Ohhhh, friends, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited! Last month, when I had to give them up, I was beyond devastated...my sister told me to think of it like how it will be when my kids go to college...I've given them a good foundation, and now they're not really gone, per se, but they're experiencing a new way of living. They still love me... (Ah, that reminds me of a discussion on NPR the other day, when they had an author on and he was talking about how we (especially Americans) have humanized our animals and look to them for validation and love because we live in such an existentialist society. He says the animals don't really LOVE us in the traditional/western sense...and what they're really thinking is: when do you feed me? Well, I don't know about that 100%, but...interesting....)
ANY-way, I hope I get a sense that they are thinking: Hey, Mom! Good to see you...we're happy here! Don't worry about us!
I know, I know...I'm a dork...hey, speaking of, have you ever looked up the word "dork" in the dictionary...for it's TRUE meaning? Very funny...
Treadmill DID come yesterday! It'll sit in a box for a week, though...the dumb mat it will sit on won't come for 9 more freaking days! I should just cancel the mat and go to the sporting goods store and buy one. Same thing... I may do that...
Not being super focused on diet/exercise lately...been too caught up in last minute things for school. Soon, soon...I will be back on track...
Spoke with my doctor yesterday. She called me ( I KNOW!) to tell me my thyroid levels were still not quite where she'd like them, and upped my meds again. So, we'll see...
Hang in there, gang...we're heading into the 'dog days of summer...' Gonna be a steamy one...
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Ok, so I didn't end up getting the treadmill I spoke of yesterday. I went to go get it, and lo and behold, it was the LAST one Sports Chalet had...I could have the floor model for a smokin' price, BUT, with no warranty available. No thanks...Went to Sears...can I tell you, I dislike Sears very much...the two that I liked THERE were also THE LAST ONES...floor models. SO, I had to come home and pick one off the internet. Through Sears.com, no less. I sure hope I don't regret the following words: Sears.com was a decent experience, even when I had to call customer service to let them know they overcharged me...they were very lovely. It's supposed to be delivered tomorrow (?!), but we'll see...(photo above is the one I selected...it has the iFit program, built in iPod docking area, and a bunch of other crap I'll probably never use...)
Spent the whole day in the classroom, trying to make heads or tails of what's all in there. I'm moving into a new classroom, and my co-teacher, whom I adore...is a little disorganized.
Tonight I'm having a (VERY) belated birthday dinner with a friend, while the fam goes to see the new(ish) Batman movie. Should be a nice evening!
Ohhhh, and guess what?! I get to visit my ducks on Thursday! I cannot TELL you how excited I am!!!
Monday, July 28, 2008
Ohhhh, happy day! Today, I purchase my treadmill! I'm uber excited about it!!! That's a picture of it up there. It has a t.v. in it, so...I'm going to have to have the cable company run a line to it, no? Yes, of course...You know what would be super cool? If it had closed captioning on the t.v. screen! Because I don't like to listen to the t.v., just watch it sometimes. I prefer to rock out to my iPod when I'm on the 'mill. Yippeee!!!
In other news (channeling Tom Tucker)...nice weekend. Had the boy's birthday party; we combined it with his best friend's birthday, which was yesterday. We went out to a place that's more or less a giant warehouse, except the floors and walls are trampolines. The kids get a great workout and they don't even know it! They have a dodgeball court, which is super fun. I think I'm going to try their aerobics classes. They're only $5, and I think that's because most people can only last 5 minutes! ha!
What else...oh! I went to a play yesterday. It is called The 9 Parts of Desire. Sounds sexy, huh? Not at all...it is about 9 different Iraqi women and their thoughts on life AS an Iraqi woman in modern times. Very powerful. It was all monologues...at one point, one of the women says (they're talking as if they're having conversations with American women--paraphrasing here): "You Americans...you have guilt. You give and give and give and give...to all kinds of causes...because you're guilty. It helps you to deal with your guilt." At another point, they're all on stage speaking as 1st generation Iraqi-American women, who have strong ties with their Iraqi families...they're talking about watching the war footage on t.v.; they're talking about how they're in the middle of a pedicure and the lady (American) next to her says: Oh, this war, it's all so depressing...please turn it off! Or they're running on the treadmill at a gym watching footage of the war; footage of Iraqis running for their lives, while she's running on a treadmill in a posh gym...
See, I do have guilt. I DO think about these things. WHY was I so fortunate to be born in America? Why is it that some people wake up in the morning wondering if they'll live to see sunset? How can people live after their husbands have been killed, their sons kidnapped for use as foot soldiers, their daughters raped? It boggles my mind.
SO, I enjoyed the play.
Other than that, pretty quiet weekend. I'm excited about getting back to exercise after a near two week lapse due to the eye thing. In addition to the treadmill, I'm also getting one of those heavy bags...you know....the kind where you punch and kick it and it hardly moves? Like smacking a wall. I told my husband about it last night, and he said: Why are you so angry? (he was joking)... I said I'm not angry...I just want to punch stuff.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Holy crap! 186 pounds, even if it IS that TOM for me?! Jeez, this not working out is starting to make me nuts in more ways than one...I did take a decent walk last night, but it really wasn't a "work out," per se. Daughter had a friend over, and for some reason, pre-teen girls love to walk up to their former elementary school and reminisce? Well, whilst they shared memories on the swings, I walked the perimeter of the playground/fields over and over with the dog. That was enjoyable. Of course when we got back, I had a brownie sundae. See, when I get bored, I do things like try to find the PERFECT vegan brownie recipe. Still can't find one. But after the latest concoction baked, I tried it and concluded it would taste better IN something. Like, say....in a sundae! So, that's what we did when we got home last night from my walk. *sigh* I REALLY need to get a hobby...
Today I will haul these girls into school so that I can work for a couple of hours, then we'll gather up a pal for my son and swim our hearts out all afternoon. THAT's what the day holds...
I know you're jealous...
Oh, wait! Good news...I can SEE again! Yippeeeeeeee!!!!
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
I'm really missing the gym and working out in general. I can't see due to my eye infection, and have not been able to see since Thursday...I don't think it would be a good idea for me to work out when I can hardly see. Even without the eye infection, I have noticed that when I jog, if I'm not fixated on a spot just a few inches in front of me, my brain (eyes?) makes me feel that I'm all wobbly and almost dizzy. If I persist, it gets better, but the first couple of minutes, man...I feel like I'm drunk or something.
Nothing really new around here...I miss my ducks...
Blah, what a boring post! I'm sure you're SO glad you read this!
NOW, go have some REAL fun!
Monday, July 21, 2008
I'm not going to freak out...185 is a gain, BUT...two things to keep in mind/know: 1) I do believe Aunt Flo is going to knock on my door here in the next 48 hours, so, that's likely 3 pounds or so...and, 2) I've also eaten WAAAAYYYYY more than usual this last week. I always feel as if I am STARVING a few days before my period starts, and no amount of intellectual self talk can bring me off the ledge of the food orgy in which I gleefully place myself. THIS is why I gain/lose the same freaking 5 pounds every month. If, somehow, I could not give in to the siren song of food during the week before my period, I'm sure I could actually lose (!!) real weight. Does anyone else have this problem? How have you solved it?
The zits are sloooowwwwllly leaving my face. But several of them grew into giant dinosaur eggs, and, as is the case with me, I will have a red mark on my face for the next 6 months. Would a chemical peel help that? I may do laser...I don't know. I think I'll also get some Restalayne (sp?) injected into my top lip...anyone else use that? Oh, and a little Botox around the eyes and nasal-labial (ha!) folds. Maybe in a year or two...
Listen to THIS...about twice a year, one of my eyes (usually my left, for some reason) gets all annoyed...it gets really red, it tears like an open spigot, is super sensitive to light and HURTS like crazy...well, it happened again on Thursday evening. I was sitting on the couch eating popcorn when I noticed it. Thought I'd gotten some salt in my eye...washed and washed out my eye. Squirted Visine in there, took a Q-tip around the inside upper lid (which I do not recommend to anyone who is not used to putting things in their eyes)...you name it, I tried it. Got into see my (new) eye doctor on Friday. He popped in a little numbing liquid (THANK YOU, Dr. Kim!!) and my eye felt sooooo good, I could've jumped on him and kissed him at that point...then he uses his eye magnifying equipment and says: Oh, whoa...you've got a MAJOR infection here. And by the looks of your eye, you've had this before. You've got scars all over this eye.
Whoops...those other times, and even this time, I didn't think it was infected. I always associated infections with icky, gloppy, slimy, gross stuff. The stuff pouring out of my eye was simply clear tears. Oh, jeez... So, I spent the weekend in a dark room with my eyes closed. Alternating antibiotics and steroids. I get my recheck today, and I sure hope I'm ok. While it doesn't hurt anymore, and the eye looks normal, I can still feel it a little bit. Feels like a grain of sand is stuck in my upper lid. *sigh* I'd REALLY like to be able to SEE again...I've read everything I can get my hands on here in the house.
What else....not a whole lot. Winding down on summer already. Have to have my classroom finished by July 31st, and it's going well. My co-teacher is awesome, and she's been a great help. We need to be finished so that we can help other teachers put their classes together. We've done a lot of classroom construction/reconfiguration, and they'll need help getting their stuff set up. We need to be totally done by August 7th. Jeez, that's not far away...WHERE did the summer go?
Tomorrow I meet with a family of a child who has Down syndrome/Autism Spectrum Disorder. Hoping to glean some useful info there...