Thursday, July 31, 2008

Day 218...185...but I'm not surprised...

Today I get to see my ducks!!! Ohhhh, friends, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited! Last month, when I had to give them up, I was beyond sister told me to think of it like how it will be when my kids go to college...I've given them a good foundation, and now they're not really gone, per se, but they're experiencing a new way of living. They still love me... (Ah, that reminds me of a discussion on NPR the other day, when they had an author on and he was talking about how we (especially Americans) have humanized our animals and look to them for validation and love because we live in such an existentialist society. He says the animals don't really LOVE us in the traditional/western sense...and what they're really thinking is: when do you feed me? Well, I don't know about that 100%, but...interesting....)

ANY-way, I hope I get a sense that they are thinking: Hey, Mom! Good to see you...we're happy here! Don't worry about us!

I know, I know...I'm a dork...hey, speaking of, have you ever looked up the word "dork" in the dictionary...for it's TRUE meaning? Very funny...

Treadmill DID come yesterday! It'll sit in a box for a week, though...the dumb mat it will sit on won't come for 9 more freaking days! I should just cancel the mat and go to the sporting goods store and buy one. Same thing... I may do that...

Not being super focused on diet/exercise lately...been too caught up in last minute things for school. Soon, soon...I will be back on track...

Spoke with my doctor yesterday. She called me ( I KNOW!) to tell me my thyroid levels were still not quite where she'd like them, and upped my meds again. So, we'll see...

Hang in there, gang...we're heading into the 'dog days of summer...' Gonna be a steamy one...



Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Day 217...still 185

Ok, so I didn't end up getting the treadmill I spoke of yesterday. I went to go get it, and lo and behold, it was the LAST one Sports Chalet had...I could have the floor model for a smokin' price, BUT, with no warranty available. No thanks...Went to Sears...can I tell you, I dislike Sears very much...the two that I liked THERE were also THE LAST ONES...floor models. SO, I had to come home and pick one off the internet. Through, no less. I sure hope I don't regret the following words: was a decent experience, even when I had to call customer service to let them know they overcharged me...they were very lovely. It's supposed to be delivered tomorrow (?!), but we'll see...(photo above is the one I has the iFit program, built in iPod docking area, and a bunch of other crap I'll probably never use...)

Spent the whole day in the classroom, trying to make heads or tails of what's all in there. I'm moving into a new classroom, and my co-teacher, whom I a little disorganized.

Tonight I'm having a (VERY) belated birthday dinner with a friend, while the fam goes to see the new(ish) Batman movie. Should be a nice evening!

Ohhhh, and guess what?! I get to visit my ducks on Thursday! I cannot TELL you how excited I am!!!

Big love,


Monday, July 28, 2008

Day 216...185 lbs.

Ohhhh, happy day! Today, I purchase my treadmill! I'm uber excited about it!!! That's a picture of it up there. It has a t.v. in it, so...I'm going to have to have the cable company run a line to it, no? Yes, of course...You know what would be super cool? If it had closed captioning on the t.v. screen! Because I don't like to listen to the t.v., just watch it sometimes. I prefer to rock out to my iPod when I'm on the 'mill. Yippeee!!!

In other news (channeling Tom Tucker)...nice weekend. Had the boy's birthday party; we combined it with his best friend's birthday, which was yesterday. We went out to a place that's more or less a giant warehouse, except the floors and walls are trampolines. The kids get a great workout and they don't even know it! They have a dodgeball court, which is super fun. I think I'm going to try their aerobics classes. They're only $5, and I think that's because most people can only last 5 minutes! ha!

What else...oh! I went to a play yesterday. It is called The 9 Parts of Desire. Sounds sexy, huh? Not at is about 9 different Iraqi women and their thoughts on life AS an Iraqi woman in modern times. Very powerful. It was all one point, one of the women says (they're talking as if they're having conversations with American women--paraphrasing here): "You have guilt. You give and give and give and all kinds of causes...because you're guilty. It helps you to deal with your guilt." At another point, they're all on stage speaking as 1st generation Iraqi-American women, who have strong ties with their Iraqi families...they're talking about watching the war footage on t.v.; they're talking about how they're in the middle of a pedicure and the lady (American) next to her says: Oh, this war, it's all so depressing...please turn it off! Or they're running on the treadmill at a gym watching footage of the war; footage of Iraqis running for their lives, while she's running on a treadmill in a posh gym...

See, I do have guilt. I DO think about these things. WHY was I so fortunate to be born in America? Why is it that some people wake up in the morning wondering if they'll live to see sunset? How can people live after their husbands have been killed, their sons kidnapped for use as foot soldiers, their daughters raped? It boggles my mind.

SO, I enjoyed the play.

Other than that, pretty quiet weekend. I'm excited about getting back to exercise after a near two week lapse due to the eye thing. In addition to the treadmill, I'm also getting one of those heavy know....the kind where you punch and kick it and it hardly moves? Like smacking a wall. I told my husband about it last night, and he said: Why are you so angry? (he was joking)... I said I'm not angry...I just want to punch stuff.

Enjoy, friends~


Thursday, July 24, 2008

Day 212...186!!

Holy crap! 186 pounds, even if it IS that TOM for me?! Jeez, this not working out is starting to make me nuts in more ways than one...I did take a decent walk last night, but it really wasn't a "work out," per se. Daughter had a friend over, and for some reason, pre-teen girls love to walk up to their former elementary school and reminisce? Well, whilst they shared memories on the swings, I walked the perimeter of the playground/fields over and over with the dog. That was enjoyable. Of course when we got back, I had a brownie sundae. See, when I get bored, I do things like try to find the PERFECT vegan brownie recipe. Still can't find one. But after the latest concoction baked, I tried it and concluded it would taste better IN something. Like, a sundae! So, that's what we did when we got home last night from my walk. *sigh* I REALLY need to get a hobby...

Today I will haul these girls into school so that I can work for a couple of hours, then we'll gather up a pal for my son and swim our hearts out all afternoon. THAT's what the day holds...

I know you're jealous...

Oh, wait! Good news...I can SEE again! Yippeeeeeeee!!!!

Have fun,


Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Day 210...184 pounds

I'm really missing the gym and working out in general. I can't see due to my eye infection, and have not been able to see since Thursday...I don't think it would be a good idea for me to work out when I can hardly see. Even without the eye infection, I have noticed that when I jog, if I'm not fixated on a spot just a few inches in front of me, my brain (eyes?) makes me feel that I'm all wobbly and almost dizzy. If I persist, it gets better, but the first couple of minutes, man...I feel like I'm drunk or something.

Nothing really new around here...I miss my ducks...

Blah, what a boring post! I'm sure you're SO glad you read this!

NOW, go have some REAL fun!



Monday, July 21, 2008

Day 209...185 lbs.

I'm not going to freak out...185 is a gain, BUT...two things to keep in mind/know: 1) I do believe Aunt Flo is going to knock on my door here in the next 48 hours, so, that's likely 3 pounds or so...and, 2) I've also eaten WAAAAYYYYY more than usual this last week. I always feel as if I am STARVING a few days before my period starts, and no amount of intellectual self talk can bring me off the ledge of the food orgy in which I gleefully place myself. THIS is why I gain/lose the same freaking 5 pounds every month. If, somehow, I could not give in to the siren song of food during the week before my period, I'm sure I could actually lose (!!) real weight. Does anyone else have this problem? How have you solved it?

The zits are sloooowwwwllly leaving my face. But several of them grew into giant dinosaur eggs, and, as is the case with me, I will have a red mark on my face for the next 6 months. Would a chemical peel help that? I may do laser...I don't know. I think I'll also get some Restalayne (sp?) injected into my top lip...anyone else use that? Oh, and a little Botox around the eyes and nasal-labial (ha!) folds. Maybe in a year or two...

Listen to THIS...about twice a year, one of my eyes (usually my left, for some reason) gets all gets really red, it tears like an open spigot, is super sensitive to light and HURTS like crazy...well, it happened again on Thursday evening. I was sitting on the couch eating popcorn when I noticed it. Thought I'd gotten some salt in my eye...washed and washed out my eye. Squirted Visine in there, took a Q-tip around the inside upper lid (which I do not recommend to anyone who is not used to putting things in their eyes) name it, I tried it. Got into see my (new) eye doctor on Friday. He popped in a little numbing liquid (THANK YOU, Dr. Kim!!) and my eye felt sooooo good, I could've jumped on him and kissed him at that point...then he uses his eye magnifying equipment and says: Oh,'ve got a MAJOR infection here. And by the looks of your eye, you've had this before. You've got scars all over this eye.

Whoops...those other times, and even this time, I didn't think it was infected. I always associated infections with icky, gloppy, slimy, gross stuff. The stuff pouring out of my eye was simply clear tears. Oh, jeez... So, I spent the weekend in a dark room with my eyes closed. Alternating antibiotics and steroids. I get my recheck today, and I sure hope I'm ok. While it doesn't hurt anymore, and the eye looks normal, I can still feel it a little bit. Feels like a grain of sand is stuck in my upper lid. *sigh* I'd REALLY like to be able to SEE again...I've read everything I can get my hands on here in the house.

What else....not a whole lot. Winding down on summer already. Have to have my classroom finished by July 31st, and it's going well. My co-teacher is awesome, and she's been a great help. We need to be finished so that we can help other teachers put their classes together. We've done a lot of classroom construction/reconfiguration, and they'll need help getting their stuff set up. We need to be totally done by August 7th. Jeez, that's not far away...WHERE did the summer go?

Tomorrow I meet with a family of a child who has Down syndrome/Autism Spectrum Disorder. Hoping to glean some useful info there...

Missed Everyone,


Thursday, July 17, 2008

Day 205; weigh in tomorrow, but it's not gonna be pretty!

So, I'll weigh in tomorrow (Friday), bit it's nearly my TOM, so...I doubt it's going to be anything worth jumping up and down about. I am SO stuck, losing, then gaining back, the SAME 5 pounds over and over again. It's been this way since November. NOVEMBER, y'all! "November," as in: pumpkin pie, turkey (well, Tofurky for me), stuffing, cranberry sauce...stressing out about holiday shopping. THAT November. *sigh* I've got to figure out WHY I don't seem to want to lose anymore, because clearly it's ME that's keeping me from losing more.

In other news (a la Tom Tucker), something is going on with me, though...maybe it was posting my ACTUAL picture, making me feel all brave...I don't know...anyway, guess what I did last night? No, no...not THAT...gross...I took a belly dancing class last night. It was fun. It was difficult. It was hot in that room. I was sweating. It's not so easy to isolate your tummy muscles and NOT move your hips. But, I pressed on. I figured that I should use my God given ample hips for something useful, and perhaps get those tummy muscles in better shape. I think it'll work!

What else...OH! I got my whole face waxed on Saturday (I hate hair...take it off my arms,, I don't have Sasquatch arms, I just hate hair) for the first time. Little did I should not put ANYthing on their face for 24-48 hours afterwards, lest she want to greatly up the chances of a major breakout. Well, the sweet little gal who did my face neglected to tell me that, despite me talking about how I had an important event THAT NIGHT (read: lotion, make up...). Sure as shit, by Sunday, the zits were forming. By Monday, it was a full blown, look like I'm 14 years old, attack. I look like hell right now. I've raided my son's zit cream cabinet and have been trying to get it under control. Note to self: in the future, get this done on a Friday night...

Today I've got a friend coming over for lunch. I haven't seen her in months, and...get this...she lives ONE block away from me. So sad... Then, we're off to swim late this afternoon. Should be fun!

Enjoy, enjoy~


Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Day 204...I'll weigh in on Friday...

Awwww, you girls are so sweet. Thanks for being so kind about my picture.



Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Day 203...weighing in more towards the end of the week...

Got to school yesterday, and the wall was already sanded! Lucky me! Now, today, I'll go in and paint. Then hit the ole gym...went last right knee has been bothering me ever so slightly since Saturday night. I'm wondering if it was the car ride (3.5 hours worth) to and from the reunion? That's the only thing different I did...but, I press on! It's not really all that bad, I just get worried I'm doing permanent of my fears is that I'm going to be 60 and not be able to get out of bed. THAT's a huge part of the reason I have embarked on this journey to lose weight and get in shape. I don't want to be one of those "old" 60 year olds! (Like my MIL) I want to have fun, fun, fun way into my sunset years, people! I want to take care of grand kids and not have my kids be concerned that I won't be able to catch them should they dart into the street, for instance.

So, you asked for's my picture from the reunion; I just cropped everyone else out. If you want to see it bigger, just click on it. I didn't know how to make it bigger without distorting it... (I'm feeling very self conscious right now):



Monday, July 14, 2008

Day 202...not weighing for a few days...

Wow, where to begin?? Baby boy's birthday on Friday was wonderful! He was so happy with his gift and his favorite foods. My sister, whom I'm super close with, came over and enjoyed the celebration with us. For her (and me), I made vegan Jamaican black bean burgers that were incredible. Had a little spicy avocado on top of those lovely patties, and away I went into bliss-ville. The vegan carrot cake (and vegan chocolate cupcakes) are always a hit with the family, and were devoured in short order. Great day!!!

I even ran 2.5 miles after all that food. Wouldn't say that was a smart idea, but I did it!

Saturday I had a haircut/highlight/eyebrow/face wax. They worked me over from head to toe. I always enjoy my salon experience. I was happy, as usual, when I left the shop.

Decided on the more demure print for the reunion. And only because the more tropical one's straps were slightly loose, and kept falling nearly off my shoulders, therefore exposing the ole boulder holder. Not so pretty. I need some of that double stick tape to keep everything together. I love that dress, though, and wished I could've worn it. BUT, the more demure print dress was also nice. It did show quite a bit of cleavage...I tried to relax about that, saying: FatMom, you're 38 years's not as if you're 17. It's OK to show a little chest. Ok, ok...

We did take a few pictures, but...I haven't seen them yet. If they're ok, I will consider posting. HOWEVER, I don't know how to blur out everyone else's faces. Hmmm...

The reunion itself was lovely, though. I did have a nice time. Everyone was super friendly. The girls looked ok. Not great, but ok. I think it's because a lot of them smoke. Probably as a way to stay thinner? I don't know...but it sure shows on their faces. Man, I'd rather be a bit chubby and have nice skin than be thinner and have my skin look like crap because I've smoked since the 80's. The guys? HOLY CRAP...most of them looked like hell. And they were either SUPER thin, or pretty gosh darn chunky. I like a man to feel like a MAN when I hug him...not like a twig I may crush. Not many attendees looked HEALTHY...But nice? Yes, everyone was lovely. Good time...

Not going to weigh for a few days. I actually drank some alcohol at the reunion, and couple that with some dessert and salty foods, and...well, you can guess the rest. Got to give my body a few days to come back down to normal.

Gonna be busy the next few weeks. My son is taking a class at the state university three days a week, and today is his first class. That's at, I'm arf to school to sand a wall...I know you're jealous...admit it...



Friday, July 11, 2008

Day 199...180

My little food indiscretion last night got me an extra pound of water weight, I'm sure! Isn't that funny? Actually, I was surprised it was only a pound. I FEEL puffy today, though!

Today is my baby boy's birthday!!! He's 13 today! 13 years ago, right about now, I was walking the hallways to try and speed up the labor. He was a month early...wasn't expecting him to come at that time, but he's always hated small, cramped spaces! I'm so proud of my kidlet, I just can't even express it. He's a ray of sunshine on the darkest day.

His birthday dinner tonight will consist of his favorite foods. I figured out how many calories I will likely consume, and I'm estimating around 1200 for ONE MEAL! I'm going to think of ways to cut that down...I know it's a celebration, but...I don't need to eat ALL of my normally allotted calories in one meal, folks...especially not with the reunion only 24 hours away! I'll be puffed up like a poison toad! The truth is, I don't have a camera. My husband does. And to ask him to take a picture of me sounds silly and vain. If I happen to have one taken at the reunion, though, I will seriously consider posting it. I've asked for a camera for birthdays, Christmas, etc...for a few years now... guess the husband doesn't think I need one, because I've never gotten one. Suppose I'll need to buy it myself.



Thursday, July 10, 2008

Day 198...179 pounds

Uh-oh...I went into a department store today hoping to find a small, brown clutch to carry at my reunion on Saturday. No such luck...of course not...I went in looking for something SPECIFIC. What I did find was another killer dress. Now I have a I wear the rather loud, somewhat tropical type dress, or do I wear the more "fade into the background" print? Now, I do need to mention that the latter dress hugs me in all the right fact, when I put it on for daughter and husband tonight, they both said (separately)...oh, wow...wear THAT one!

It's ever so slightly tight, though...and I just wonder how comfortable I'm going to be in it for several hours having to suck in my stomach? (not a big fan of girdle type contraptions...) Hmmm...what to do...what to do...well, I'll decide the afternoon of the reunion. Which ever one seems to call out to me, I guess.

Quickie workout again today! Sooo busy these last few days. But, I snuck in 2.25 miles, so that's not soooo bad. We went out to pizza tonight due to a party for my son's class. I got the vegetarian, super thin crust and NO cheese. It was delish! But, I don't know if the soda I drank with dinner (I never drink soda) just overloaded me with sugar, because within 2 hours, I was starving! Had to have another couple of (small) pieces of the pizza, hummus and crackers and some (vegan) ice cream, too! Jeez, what is UP?! It's not hormones...maybe I'm starting to feel stressed about the reunion?

I put away nearly 1900 calories today. But I'm not going to stress about it. It'll all be fine.

Enjoy, cyber-pals~


Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Day 197...180 pounds

Made it to the gym today. Had a VERY busy day and could've easily decided to skip the ole work out, but...I knew it would be a far, far better thing for me to get that work out in. So glad I did!

I'm bummed that I'll need to cancel my gym membership next month. Next school year is going to be exceedingly busy for me, and I know myself...I'm not going to want to rush home after school, supervise daughter's homework, cook/clean/do other household stuff, and THEN go to the gym. I just won't do it. I know myself. Mornings won't work at all... I have GOT to get a treadmill here for the house. But how... I can't do with a cheapo $400 one. Belts aren't wide enough, the machine isn't heavy enough... There's not too many things I'll spend money on... my hair is one of them, and, me thinks...good gym equipment is the other one. I'll shop sales for clothes until my feet are blistered. I'll visit 25 web sites to get the best deal on a hotel. I'll drive an 11 year old mini van. I use coupons at WALMART, for heaven's sake! I wouldn't call myself "cheap," though. "Careful" is more the word I'd use ;~)

Got an email from my best friend of 32 years about our reunion on Saturday. I shared with her that I was feeling less than stellar about myself right now, and that I was hesitant to go. She told me that EVERY person she's talked to about the reunion has expressed similar thoughts about themselves. Seems no one is immune... Inside we're all the same awkward, unsure 12 year old.

FATINAH asked if I'd post a picture of myself dressed for the reunion. (deep breath) Gosh, I don't know. It's so hard to LOOK at myself, especially in a photo. But maybe. No promises. The dress, though...I like it!



Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Day 196...181 pounds!

My July goal was to be 177 by July 20th. So, that's in about 11 days...I'm not sure I can lose 4 pounds in 11 days, and especially not right before Aunt Flo makes her monthly pilgrimage. BUT, I will persevere...and work hard...

Did not get to the gym today. I was bummed. And, the next few days are freakishly busy...I do believe I can make it tomorrow (Wed), (Th), but for sure not Fri/Sat. Jeez, did I tell you Saturday is my 20 year high school reunion? I really was waffling about whether or not I wanted to go. I've been wallowing in extreme self doubt the last few weeks, and...I just wasn't so sure I should go. I was 112 pounds when I graduated from high school. I'd recovered well from my bout with anorexia...physically at least. I recall feeling like a cow at 112 pounds (I'm 5'5"). I wouldn't let my boyfriend see me in a very demure 1 piece bathing suit. I wanted to lose 10 pounds. Funny how our minds never fully's a battle every day. Within a year of my high school graduation, I made the shift into overeating. And I more or less stayed in that realm for the next 15 or so years, with varying weights (when I'd gain too much, I'd go back to anorectic behavior, then, after I'd lose a lot of weight, I'd gain it all back and then some...) So was my pattern from about 19 to 24. At 24 I got pregnant with my son, and...well, for the first time in my life I was encouraged and expected to eat. So, I did. With great abandon. Two back to back pregnancies, a marriage that was/is in one state of failure or another, and too many nights of seeking solace in a bag or bowl, and the next thing I knew, I was 250, 26o pounds.

At my 10 year reunion, I was about 220 pounds. I was horrified to see the photos. So, based on how I looked 10 years ago, I look WAY better. But, still...I feel, not good enough. I've never felt "good enough." I grew up in one of the richest cities (town, really) in the world. I went to school with the children of MAJOR celebrities. Kids who had access to money and illicit items because their parents were too "busy" or stoned themselves to care. It was a screwed up childhood. In a way more screwed up because I was SOOOOOOOOOOO poor. My family literally lived in a shack. We had no heat, no air conditioning, holes in our roof where rain would drip in and collect in the multitude of buckets we'd place all around, half of our windows were broken out, no insurance (I didn't see a doctor until I was in my mid twenties...not even when I was so sick I was coughing up blood) would get so cold in our house you could see your breath as you were bathing. I'd have to wear two pairs of sweats, mittens and a hat to bed in the wintertime just to kind of stay warm. It was bad. And all the kids at school knew it. I was a leper. I did have some lovely friends, and I always had a boyfriend, so it wasn't all bad...but I have a lot of self doubt, and I wonder if it comes from that partly? This feeling of never being good enough; never doing enough; never being enough...

So, it's kind of hard to see these people who were not so kind to me. They weren't outright "mean," so that's good...but, they made sure to let you know you were not in the same class as they were. We had a very distinct and clear caste system.

But maybe I'm just narcissistic? I bought a new dress today just for the occasion. A size 14, y'all! And, it's not even the slightest bit tight! I think it's pretty cute. I hope I look ok. I hope no one notices me. Hmmm...yes, maybe THAT's what I'm hoping for. I wonder how many of these dudes are bald? Fat? Wrinkly? Hmmm... Well, maybe no one will even remember me... Nah, not likely...we only had 102 in our graduating class, and most of us had gone to school together since Kindergarten...

Narcissistically yours,


Monday, July 7, 2008

Day 195...182, but ALMOST 181!

Quickie post today...meeting with daughter's neuropsychologist this morning to go over the 8 hours of testing she did with her last month...

Reading my cyber pal, FATINAH's, blog this morning, and...check out what she wrote: For almost 16 years I've been someone that wanted to lose weight. I don't know how to be someone who is happy with them self. Nothing like a little self-sabotage to fix that!

Whoa...that's awesome...reminds me of a line (paraphrasing) from one of my favorite movies (Closer):

Bawling boyfriend who's just lost girlfriend, to jerk who "stole her:" Let Anna be HAPPY. She wants to be HAPPY.

Jerk: No she doesn't. She's a depressive. Depressives don't want to be happy, because if they WERE actually happy, they wouldn't have anything to be depressed about.

Yeah...I agree with FATINAH...I've been so concerned about my weight for SO long, sometimes I just don't know how to handle going from super fat, to pretty chunky, to mighty chubby to decent. The more attention I get, the more I panic. Well, panic and elation mixed together. I want to be healthy (check). Now I have that. Now I want to be more attractive. Mmmm...getting there, and I'm not so sure I like it. I've forgotten how much attention one gets, and I'm feeling uncomfortable with it. Makes me feel vulnerable more than it makes me feel powerful. Scary. So, I make sure I don't REALLY get into the realm of "attractive." I'm only on the periphery. That seems safe. But I don't want to be SAFE. I want to live...

More later, friends~


Saturday, July 5, 2008

Day 193...183 big ones this morning

Can I tell you something? I HATE The 4th of July, AKA Independence Day. Am I unpatriotic? No... Do I hate my country? No... Am I some sort of Scrooge? Maybe... See, here's the thing: I cannot stand the bullshit that surrounds holidays--this one or any other one. I can honor my country from the comfort of my couch, thank you very much; I don't need to light a $100 bill on fire in front of my house (AKA "fireworks") to let the world know I love my country. I don't need to eat food likely strewn with food borne illness at a BBQ in 110 degree heat to show my patriotism. I'm not excited about going to the lake with a zillion other nasty people as an exhibit of my fondness for the land that I love. Do I get teary when I sing the Star Spangled Banner? Yes... Do I bawl like a baby when I see soldiers coming home from a tour in the middle east? Yup... But I don't need to do what every other American sap is doing to prove that I'm patriotic.

I've always fought the norm. I cannot stand being like all the other lemmings here in the US. THAT'S what this country is all about: the freedom to be an individual. Except, that's not the truth. This country doesn't want you to be an individual. They want conformity. Of course I suppose that's the way it is everywhere, not just here.

Now, don't get me wrong...I don't walk around with piercings in my face, 4" clear plastic stripper shoes, or Rainbow Brite hair. (Though when I do meet people with these types of fashion statements, I admire that...and realize it is just a fashion statement, and is not indicative of them as PEOPLE. I hate it when people get so caught up in how someone LOOKS that they can't see they're talented, intelligent, capable/productive citizens. I mean, jeez...Jeffrey Dahlmer looked like every other John Doe on the planet, and he was super freaky-deaky.)

I won't conform if I don't want to. This stubborn nature of mine has caused quite a bit of havoc in my personal life, but I figure that if I want to be able to sleep at night, I've got to do what I believe in. Maybe this stubborn quality stems from the fact that I felt overpowered as a child. Controlled. I cannot STAND that feeling; so much so that if I detect the slightest hint of it, I freak out. Please understand that I hate feeling like I'm being controlled, so out of respect for my fellow humans, I won't try to exert control over them.

(What an odd post today...)

In patriotic solidarity,

FatMom (AKA Scrooge)

Thursday, July 3, 2008

Day 191...still at 182

Back at the gym again last night with my baby boy. He hangs out with me on the cardio equipment, but really enjoys the weights a lot more. He is a wee bit stronger than I am, and he loves to shove that in my face! His favorite piece of equipment is the pull up machine. You know, the one where you put in your body weight (or slightly less) and do pull ups in an assisted manner...he also loves any machine that works his abs. This kid has NO body fat...never he's looked like an A&F model since he was 3 years old. I think he rather enjoys this fine distinction...

In food news, I'm doing ooohhhkkkkkaaaayyyy....I find that working out at night (just like you, TigerLily) is hard on me, since when we come home from the gym, I'm ready for a 2nd dinner, and I don't always make good choices. Now, we do tend to stay up VERY late, so it's not like I'm going to bed on a full tummy, but...I don't think that 2 blueberry muffins, despite the fact that they're low fat/low sugar, are such a good idea at midnight. I think more REAL food is in order if I must eat when we get home from the gym and I'm starving. Great idea from FATINAH to eat a banana. I should eat it in the car on the way home...

In duck news, I called my babies' adoptive mom last night, and she said they are doing beautifully. Swimming in the pond, eating with the rest of the crew, getting along with everyone. I'm soooooooooooooooooooo happy!!!!!!!!! I miss them a lot, though. Already counting down the days to my first visit!

Well, I'm arf to "work" at a parent, I have 70 hours/school year I need to volunteer, and I try to get it all done during the summer because I'm too busy to do it during the school year. As if, at 3:30 p.m., after working all day, I'm going to say: Oh, I think I'll stay another couple of hours! Yeah, right! Get me HOME!!!! So, off to "work," then the gym. I also get to pick up my pictures...I took a billion duck pictures last week...



Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Day 190...182

Ok, so you know how sometimes when you're doing something, that little voice in your head says: Uhhh, NOT a good idea! And, yet, you ignore said voice of reason?

Yeah...I had myself a little snack last night I shouldn't have had.

I knew I shouldn't do it. I knew it as I was WALKING into the kitchen. I KNEW it when preparing it. I KNEW it as I was eating the FIRST reasonable serving. And I REALLY knew it when I went back AGAIN for a 2nd round.


Sometimes I wonder...

But, on the bright side, I did work out last night. My sweet son, who is soon to turn 13, said he'd like to go with me. So, we worked out side by side last night. I love looking over at my baby and seeing him doing good things for his body. He decided a little PT was in order to help make the final leap (ha! pun!!) into complete healing for his ankle. He's not a very physical kid, unless you count his fingers, which he uses a lot for gaming/computer. I'll bet he's got fingers of steel...



Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Day 189...182 pounds

I got to the gym yesterday. Boy, did I need it! As you are likely well aware, life for me lately has been a bit difficult. And yesterday morning was NO exception....just when I thought things were getting better....listen to this:

So, you may recall I have a child with Down syndrome in my class next year. I've been researching my heart out trying to learn all about DS, how to work with a DS child, how to communicate with a DS child, etc... I decided very early on that what would likely work best with her is what would work best with ANY child who has learning issues/emotional issues/cognitive issues, etc...and that is to build a foundation of RELATIONSHIP with her first. That being said, I knew she would be in our school's care program for the summer and yesterday was to be her first day. I knew from talking to others that she was not a "typical" DS child. She does not like to be touched, she is not very friendly, and is somewhat difficult to approach. (she may have some Autism issues coming into play there...)

Well, in my infinite wisdom, what do I do yesterday? Ha! I see her sitting at a picnic table, reading the phone book, and I decide to introduce myself to her. So, I slide up to her and say "Hi..." Well, I only get the "h" sound out before she makes a noise not unlike a 2 year old who is hording a toy from another 2 year old, while she slides away from me. Undeterred, I begin again, "Hi, M..." and this time I barely get out the "hi" when she says: GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Ohhhhhkkkkaaaaay.... I stand up and say "OK" in a very bland way and walk away.

I wasn't expecting her to hug me and want to talk to me. But I wasn't expecting her to completely reject me, either. I was hoping for something in the middle. No eye conversation...that's a fine first step. But to figuratively shove me away? Not expecting that.

I left school wondering: Ok, FatMom...what did you do wrong? I decided that she needs to be approached more slowly. So, today I will go back and have one of the other staff members she seems comfortable with introduce me to her. And leave it at that. Walk away. But hang out nearby so she realizes I'm no threat. And I'll do that every day if I have to until she feels comfortable with me.

Now, the already wounded FatMom was a bit disheartened by this event. I sat in my car in front of the gym thinking: Why the f#*& does everything have to be so hard? Shed a couple of tears of self pity and then ran my heart out. Felt better after that.

I'm nervous, though. I'm in a very delicate time mentally. Too many unhappy events sets FatMom off on a spiral of self doubt, depression and paranoia. A regular trifecta of doom. A tornado of shit that sucks up everything in its path. I feel it starting, and I aim to stop that little mental health nightmare from sprouting.

Onward, my friends~