Friday, August 29, 2008

Day 246...186 lbs.

I went back to exercising today. It felt good! I've finally stopped bleeding (mostly). What a weird thing...

What else...OH! I cut my hair last night...well, I didn't cut stylist did...ANY-way...I told him I was in the mood for something, I trust him implicitly, so I wasn't worried. But WHOA...different is right! My hair is now as short as a boy's in the back, with some longer layers in the front. Kind of like a Katie-with-the-new-haircut-Holmes + Jackie O. And it's more highlights. People like it, though I had one 4th grader tell me today: Ewww...I don't like it! But everyone else was positive. So, we'll see if it's a keeper. I've never had hair this short before. I think I'll need to remember to wear sun screen on the back of my neck!

Not much goin' on...3 day weekend sounds nice. We'll be visiting friends out of town tomorrow. They had a baby 4.5 months ago, so I can't wait to meet her! Miss Squeaky is her nickname! How cute is that?!

Sorry for the blah-blah-blah post. But I'm kind of happy for the last few (mundane) days.

Happy Labor Day Weekend, Folks~


Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Day 243...didn't weigh...

I'm tired. Freaking tired. I really miss exercising...I think I'll get back on track again tomorrow despite the continued bleeding, which has lightened up a wee bit. I've been oddly hungry the last few days, which seems contradictory to my not exercising. *sigh* Well, maybe it's stress.

I was cleaning out my personal junk drawer the other day in my nightstand. You'll never guess what I found...well, maybe you might if you're a fatty like who keeps obsessive lists on weights and measurements. Every once in a while I'll find an old "list" and marvel over how I have had to work so hard just to lose these 30-40 pounds. So, I found a note where I'd written that on a particular day, I weighed 239 pounds. Wow... I'm sure I was likely even heavier than that at some point, but I'd stopped weighing myself. Can you believe it? 239 pounds?! Even more shocking? At about the same time in history, I found cards from my husband which said how much he loved me. So weird... I can't fathom the idea that someone could love me for reasons besides how I look. I know I'm 38...I'm just NOW getting to the point where I can believe that. All my life I was only appreciated for how I looked. Then I got REALLY fat. And no one appreciated my any more. I was literally invisible. I had to "re-invent" myself. I had to let the "real me" come out. It's been nice. But, man...can you believe that? I was probably around 250 pounds at my heaviest. I'm 5'4." Crazy...

Gak... I just want to crawl into bed with my kidlets and cuddle. Smell their hair, touch their soft skin, and let my body melt into theirs.

Enjoy yourselves,


Monday, August 25, 2008

Day 242...I don't know my exact weight...


Ok, so something is going on with me health wise. I've noticed for the last year that whenever my cervix gets "bumped" (you can imagine how), it bleeds just a wee bit. Not a lot, just a wee bit. Nothing that has concerned me. So, on Thursday, I went in for my (kind of) annual Pap test. My doctor says: So, are you on your period? No, I answer. Why? Well, she says, I just barely tapped your cervix and a wall of blood came gushing out. I don't know that the test will be able to be read it's so bloody. (I'm still thinking: oh, well, probably just a bit of blood.) She says my cervix is "friable" (read: sensitive). Still not worried. Well, why could it be that way, I ask? Well, she says, could be anything from my thyroid being out of whack (it's not) to infection (read: STD), to cancer. Holy shit... I'll take the thyroid. The other two? I'll leave those at the door.

She tells me if the techs can't read the test, it'll be about 3 weeks. If they CAN read the test, it'll be about 6 weeks. Why so long, I ask? Seems there's 62 gyns in the system, and they each do about 30 Paps a day; you do the math, she says. Then she gives me a pad. Well, y'all, not to be tooooo graphic, I went to the appointment in a dress, sans undies due to the heat. I was to embarrassed to tell her that. So, after she left the room, I made a hillbilly tampon out of medical grade paper towel material. I get home, get busy with chores, and about a half hour later (now about an hour after the appointment), I feel something. Yup, blood. Running down my legs. I go in the bathroom to remove said hillbilly "tampon" and just about hit the floor. Blood? Oh, no...this is like something out of CSI. And clots? Walnut sized. I have NEVER, NEVER bled like this before. After having my kids, yes, but any other time? Nooooo...

I call the advice nurse. She says she can't tell me anything because I haven't had a pad on. Seems that if I put on a pad and go through 4 (yes, four!) overnight pads in an HOUR then I should be worried. Until then, nah...'s my deal: This is not normal for ME. Perhaps for someone else who is a heavy bleeder, yes. For me? No way.

Long story short...I've been bleeding on and off since Thursday. Enough to have to "wear" something. WTF? Anyone else have something like this happen? Why am I the only one concerned?

ALSO, I got some bad news about my classroom on Friday. LOOOONG story short: I am to be removed from my classroom until January (!!!), and "float" as a support to four (4!!!) other classes due to a mistake someone made in administration. I'll get to come back to my class in January. Gee, thanks. In the meantime, I will miss my "kids" something fierce! And my DS girl? Oh...I'm so sad... It has taken me this long (summer/first two weeks of school) to develop a good relationship with her...and now? I'll be "gone" from her for 4 months. In 4 days she won't have anything to do with me. 4 months?! Remember her intellect is similar to a preschooler...she needs me there every day for us to have a bonded relationship. When I come back in January she'll likely be hostile towards me. Sad, sad, sad. I'm so sad. All that hard work down the drain.

SOOOOOOOOO, I'm feeling a little crapped out. Worried about my health. Worried about my "kids." Just a little worried in general.



Friday, August 22, 2008

Day 239...185ish

I've had a crappy last 24 hours. Not food wise... but crappy nonetheless.

I'm wallowing in self pity right now... but I will NOT give in to food. Nope.



Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Day 237...185

Feeling really hungry this afternoon. I think it may be because I didn't drink enough water today. That could explain the small headache I'm dealing with, as well.

Nothing really new...things are going well...I've tracked my food now for 3 days. Going over my calorie count slightly each day...THAT could explain why I can't lose much weight on a permanent basis...I've been over about 100 calories each day. close, and yet...

Well, I'll get into the groove of things. Can't expect perfection right out of the gate, I suppose.

Back To School Night tonight...I hate these things...



Monday, August 18, 2008

Day 235...Phew...187...

What is going ON with me?! I've gained 10 pounds in a month. How do I DO that? I mean, seriously? HOW can that happen? I've been super active, eating more than usual, but not totally out of control...HOW can I gain 10 pounds? If you've been reading this blog for more than a month or so, you'll realize that I CAN gain 10 pounds in a month, and I do...too often. And yet I am still completely taken by surprise when it happens. Sometimes I wonder if I will EVER get below the high 170's.

But you know what? I feel good. Not as good as I feel 10 pounds lighter, but I feel good. I think it's because I've kept my exercise up.

Still, little things happen when I get this heavy. My feet start to hurt a bit. My feet and hands stay perpetually swollen just a bit. There's a fullness to my face that's not completely pleasant. I find it harder to get up off the floor after working with a student. My thighs rub together. Oh, wait! They rub together no matter what...

Back to planning my meals and snacks again. That's the only thing that works, and yet I rebel against it with all my heart. I HATE writing down everything. I hate planning like that. I feel so stifled. So dominated. So completely without any spontaneity. Blech. But, do it I least for a little while. Then I'll stop. And gain back the 10 pounds I lost. Jeez, do I need therapy? Seriously...Has anyone else gotten over this psychological hump? Do tell...

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad FATINAH is back! I missed her so much...where did she go? I'll have to read all about it...didn't know she left...did I miss something in her blog?



Thursday, August 14, 2008

Day 231...around 185, I think...

So, school started on Wednesday. It's been great so far, though I imagine that's because of two distinct reasons:

1. We haven't done anything remotely academic

2. The kids are exhausted because no doubt they all continued to stay up until midnight the night before school started's gonna be a great year! What a cool group of kids this year...Really super excited about it!

On the exercise front, all continues to go well. I'm still trying to map out exactly how long it takes me to get out of bed, make 3 lunches, exercise, shower, get two kids up and showered, get dressed, do hair/make up, eat AND get to school by 8. Me thinks 5:45 a.m. is what it's going to take. Jeez, that's akin to the middle of the night for me. But that's how much I enjoy my exercise, folks!

Going to meet coworkers out tomorrow afternoon after school for a celebration...a "we made it through hell week," type of thing. I don't normally drink, and when I do, it's a VERY small glass of wine. I may just indulge in two (!!!) drinks tomorrow. Been tough getting ready... And HOT?! OMG, it has been a decent summer weather wise, until the first day of school. THEN, someone turned on the heater full blast. a fatty, I hate hot weather. I love wearing dresses and skirts, but in the heat? Man, my thighs are a damp, sticky mess by lunchtime, and by the end of the day, likely marred by red bumps which are painful due to excess fat rubbing together. A regular swamp-o-rama down there...Blech... THERE's a great reason to lose fat from the thighs. Lipo sounds pretty good about now...

Hope everyone is enjoying these dog days of summer. I miss my friend FATINAH...I'm really starting to get concerned. She hasn't posted to her blog for over 2 weeks now, and that's just not like her. Has anyone heard from her? FatMom is worried...and when FatMom is worried, FatMom eats...we don't want that, now do we? Ok, FATINAH...come out, come out wherever you are...

Best to all,


Sunday, August 10, 2008

Day 227...187! (hey, that rhymes!)

Well, I think my weight being up is a combo of several factors:

1. Aunt Flo is due any second

2. I've been eating waaay too much this week

3. Stress (see #1 and #2 again)

4. Vicious cycle of 1, 2 and 3...the trifecta of DOOM!

I was actually somewhat relieved when I checked the calendar and saw that Aunt Flo is due any second...because I always feel that I'm starving right before her visit and I start to feel What is WRONG with me? Why am I obsessing about food?? Why am I eating salty foods with such abandon? THEN, I check the calendar and realize I'm not crazy. It's just hormones. I think I'd better get back to taking my calcium supplements again; that's supposed to help.

Went to the mall last night to find some new clothes. I actually got a skirt, a sweater and a shirt. All for less than $30. Gotta love August! Everyone wants to clear out their summery stuff and get in the fall stuff. But here in the Central Valley of CA, it's summer until November 1st, so that sleeveless top will get a lot of wear in the coming weeks, believe me.

School starts on Wednesday. I'm at the point now where I'm just thinking: Let's just get it started. See, for me, the anticipation is always WAY worse than the actual event. I am looking forward to it in a way...well, for selfish reasons...I always do better with the whole diet/exercise program during the school year because I'm in a set routine (routine + FatMom = good!). I plan on sketching out weekly menus least for a while...though I'm so aware of serving sizes, problem, though, with not planning/writing, is that I think nothing of a cookie here, a handful of chips thing you know, I'm probably over my calorie allotment by 300...not good when you are cursed with a finicky metabolism.

Got the book "Rethinking Thin." I hope to start it sometime this week. I'll let you all know (yeah, there's soooooooooooooooooooo many of you reading this blog) how it is. HEY! There's an idea... How about every one of you reading my blog leave a comment, even if it's just one letter of the alphabet...that'd be fun...



Saturday, August 9, 2008

Day 226...weight? No idea...

Too busy this a.m. to weigh in. Well, rather, I forgot in the craziness of the first day I had to get myself up at 6:15 for school. Lucky for me, I only had to get MYSELF ready this morning. I did get 20 minutes in on the treadmill this morning, which is ok if I do an afternoon session, too. But, things were crazy around here this afternoon (5 p.m.) when I got home, afternoon workout :~(

Staff development was good...I brought my pillow, so...only a minimally sore rump tonight.

Nothing much going on...



Thursday, August 7, 2008

Day 225...186!

I ate a lot of salty foods last night, so I wasn't surprised I was up 2 pounds this morning. It's ok.

Got up this morning and hit the treadmill for a challenging 20 minute walk (I usually run at night...not in the morning, as my bones are still working out all the kinks from the night before and I don't want to do anything jarring). Then went to school all freakin' day to help other teachers move into their new classrooms. Gawd, but I am pooped! I decided to skip the afternoon workout due to all the manual labor I did today.

Was soooo tired by the time I got done, but I had to take my son out for a haircut. Whilst at the haircutting salon, both kids started complaining they were, we rung up the husband and asked him to meet us at a local restaurant. I indulged in a few onion rings (whoooooeeeeee, my favorite, y'all) and a veggie burger with steak fries. Jeez, talk about fat! But it tasty!

Tomorrow I have "staff development" ALL day (Monday, too! oh, boy!)...the boy and the husband are driving down to So CA tomorrow evening/night to help my step son move into his first apartment this weekend. *sigh* Wow, they grow up quickly! I met my stepson when he was 13 months old. Now he's 18. Going to Europe. Skydiving. This kid has done more in his 18 years than I've done in my 38. I'm excited for him! I will miss my boy... the daughter and I will have to come up with some fun stuff.

Enjoy yourselves, and think of me tomorrow and Monday...think happy thoughts for my soon to be completely flat butt!



Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Day 224...184

Yesteday I hit the ole treadmill for one 20 minute session in the morning, followed by a 50 minute session in the afternoon. It was luuuhhhhvley...I did a total of 4 miles, so I'm not going at a breakneck pace, but it was enough to get a good sweat rolling. Burned 550 calories total. Phew, but I get hungry when I work out! And I was feeling a wee bit stressed last night, so I found myself eating (mostly healthy) food when I wasn't even hungry. I guess the good news is that I KNEW I wasn't hungry, and I was AWARE I was still eating anyway. Progress, not perfection, right? I'm moving in the right direction.

I'd posed a question to cyber-inspiration, Kim, the other day...we were "discussing" whether or not she felt tired by the fact that she (and myself) had to be 'on our game' 24/7 when it comes to eating and exercise in order to lose weight and at times, even, MAINTAIN our weight. I said it bothered me that I couldn't eat like a "normal" person. I had to be hyper-vigilant. Well, friends, it wears me out. That's probably why I keep losing and gaining the same 5 pounds over and over. Maybe if I just eased up a weeeeee bit, then I wouldn't have these localized binge episodes that I have to spend the next 7 days working to undo... Does that work for you? To be "on track," but not freakishly obsessed?

But it's hard. I've had lifelong eating disorders of one type or another. I'm 38, and I remember VERY clearly odd eating patterns from the time I was 3! THREE! So sad... It's sad that I've spend 35 years having a dysfunctional relationship with food. Sad that I've wasted so much energy being freaked out by when I was going to eat again, what I was going to eat, what I WASN'T going to eat, how LONG I wasn't going to eat, how if I DID eat, I'd need to be near a bathroom because I'd be running to the toilet after I ate because I'd get diarrhea because my body didn't know what to DO with food since it got it so I'd count the minutes until my husband would go to work so I could binge, how I'd need to make sure I had mints in my car so that I could cover up my "fast food breath" when I got home from errands, how giddy I'd get to actually have a few dollars in CASH so that I COULD go to a drive thru (yes, I know I spelled it in that manner) and use the cash so the purchase wouldn't show up on our bank account because I used my debit I would find trash cans on my way home from errands to dispose of chip/candy wrappers so as not to bring the "evidence" I'd drive home with the windows down (no matter the weather) to "air out" the car and thus destroy any "food smell" evidence... See?? Sick, sick, sick...

I am happy to say I am 90% "better" now. But I will always have it inside of me. Like any recovering addict, I will always be in "recovery mode," no matter how long I've been "sober." But isn't the whole food addiction thing so hard? A drug addict can make sure he/she is not in a crack house; an alcoholic can avoid parties; a gambler can not go to a casino or track...but we have to eat EVERY DAY. So, every day I have to face my demons. That's probably why I was anorexic for so long. I couldn't learn how to deal with food in a healthy manner, so, I just avoided it all together. That's likely how I became an overeater, as well...I couldn't eat a "proper" amount of food, so I just ate and ate and ate. But that's me...I don't just do something a little bit, I do it in a big way.

*sigh* It sounds terrible, but's not. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO thankful that I have been able to lose 35-40 pounds. I'm thankful that I am no longer pre-diabetic. I am thankful that I can run a 5K with no problems. I am thankful that my blood pressure is very healthy. I am thankful that my feet don't ache from the moment I step on them in the morning. I am thankful my kids are no longer embarrassed of my appearance. I am thankful I am no longer disgusted by my appearance. Would I like to lose more? Oh, yes... 20 more, at least... I want to be REALLY healthy, and I think that would put me in that category. 20 more beyond that is just vanity, mostly.

But, there really anything wrong with wanting to look good?



P.S.: Yes, I love my "name!" I AM a fat mom...even if I'm thin, I'll always be a fat mom.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Day 223...Finally! 184...

Finally some movement on the scale. Jeez! It was not the best weekend food wise, though, I must say, it was quite delicious...and I think I was holding a lot of water yesterday. Good to see it took a hike.

I did two 20 minute sessions yesterday on the treadmill. I didn't want to come blasting back to cardio only to find myself in major pain, so I thought two 20 minute sessions would be nice. It was! Long enough to blast off 200 calories at a clip, so...400 calories yesterday. Makes up for my snack I had (soy/coconut milk "yogurt" and some Nature's Path cereal), which is so yummy, but...jeez, about 375 calories. Too many for a "snack," I'd say, but...I felt I needed some sugar in my system in the 60-90 minutes before I worked out (after a looooong day of working at school).

Watched a movie last night I'd recommend to anyone who has ever struggled with any kind of eating disorder (overeating, bulimia, anorexia...). It's a fictional story of two women who befriend each other (kind of); one is an overeater and one is anorexic. Being that I've been both of those women, I found it especially stirring. It's called DisFigured, and really, the thrust is on accepting yourself at the weight you're at right now, but also making efforts to change that fact if you're in a dysfunctional relationship with food. I guess emphasis on "health," would be a better thing to say? Good movie. Low budget movie, but good movie.

In the "bonus" section of the movie, there's a part where the writer (?) recommends a book, called "Rethinking Thin." I've already ordered it. I don't want to be fat anymore, but I don't want to be fat anymore for health reasons...well, that's 85% of the reason. The other 15% is because I wanna look hot! But, finally, the health reasons are larger (ha!) than the vanity reasons. It took me about 36 years to get there, but I finally got there.

Speaking of "hot..." So, I went out with the husband on Saturday night. I got all brave and wore a dress that shows a lot of boob, but in a rather tasteful way. The rest of the dress is flowy, though not "mumu-ish," so it's a nice balance. I kept the make up and jewelry to a minimum so that I didn't cross over into "floozy" category. Can I tell you, ladies, cleavage draws a lot of attention. We were in a very high end restaurant, so, it was subtle attention, but attention none the less. The husband asked at one point: "Does it flatter you, or does it make you feel uncomfortable when someone (guy) looks at your boobs?" I thought carefully for a moment... I said: "It doesn't really make me feel anything. It's human nature to look. I look, for heaven's sake, when there's a lot of can't HELP it...and I'm no where near, no...I don't doesn't really mean anything to me." And I don't think it does. But, it's odd to have to come to terms with people LOOKING at you again.

Has anyone else had to work through that? I know you have, ladies... come on and share... how do you get completely comfortable with people looking at you again?

Ah, speaking of "looking..." I did something I thought I'd never do again...I bought a full length mirror. Unless you've ever been REALLY overweight, you may not get this concept. I had a hard enough time looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, let alone my WHOLE body. So, this is big (ha! I'm full of puns!).

Well, I'm arf to do a quickie 15-20 minute exercise session before showering and heading into school. I enjoy these leisurely days...I think I'll get to school about 9:30 or so. Ahhhh....



Sunday, August 3, 2008

Day 221...guess what? Still 185

Duck visit was great to see my babies! My girl (the one with the lame foot) is limping more that she was in June when I took her up to the sanctuary. But I think that's because she doesn't like the ground she's on...she's used to soft grass, and I think that helped her foot. The middle toe--the deformed one--looks more swollen and pronounced, too...the ground is hard, packed earth, with tiny pebbles strewn about (in a natural way, not because they put rocks out there). No wonder she spends so much time in the pond...must be soothing to her foot.

They were wary of me, which is good...I brought them their favorite foods, and they ate happily...well, they ate once another duck decided to try it...they they dove right in. It was nice to see them enjoy their treats (melon, cucumber, zucchini, romaine lettuce, Cheerios). They get along with the other ducks, but they let them all know THEY'RE in charge...glad to see they are not getting pushed around!

I think I'll offer my foster duck mom some sod later this month when I go up for a visit. She's a special lady to do what she does...I'm so thankful!

In other news (a la Tom Tucker), we got the treadmill up and running (ha! a pun!!)...took a fitness test, which measures your fitness age. Recall, ladies and gents, that I am 38. My fitness age is 23 (?!). I was surprised...and a bit skeptical! I guess my heart recovers nicely, though, after aerobic activity...I guess I haven't damaged the ole ticker too badly, which I was concerned about, seeing as how I have likely taxed it by being fat, thin, fat, thin, fat, fat, fat...Any-whooo, did 3.5 miles, and I feel awesome!!

Thinking about doing a little shopping this lazy Sunday...seems that I always have either too many tops and not enough bottoms, or vice versa. Right now, I have too many bottoms. I need shirts, y'all!!

Thanks to all my cyber friends for your continued and unwavering support. You all are d'bomb!

Sweatily yours,