Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Day 224...184

Yesteday I hit the ole treadmill for one 20 minute session in the morning, followed by a 50 minute session in the afternoon. It was luuuhhhhvley...I did a total of 4 miles, so I'm not going at a breakneck pace, but it was enough to get a good sweat rolling. Burned 550 calories total. Phew, but I get hungry when I work out! And I was feeling a wee bit stressed last night, so I found myself eating (mostly healthy) food when I wasn't even hungry. I guess the good news is that I KNEW I wasn't hungry, and I was AWARE I was still eating anyway. Progress, not perfection, right? I'm moving in the right direction.

I'd posed a question to cyber-inspiration, Kim, the other day...we were "discussing" whether or not she felt tired by the fact that she (and myself) had to be 'on our game' 24/7 when it comes to eating and exercise in order to lose weight and at times, even, MAINTAIN our weight. I said it bothered me that I couldn't eat like a "normal" person. I had to be hyper-vigilant. Well, friends, it wears me out. That's probably why I keep losing and gaining the same 5 pounds over and over. Maybe if I just eased up a weeeeee bit, then I wouldn't have these localized binge episodes that I have to spend the next 7 days working to undo... Does that work for you? To be "on track," but not freakishly obsessed?

But it's hard. I've had lifelong eating disorders of one type or another. I'm 38, and I remember VERY clearly odd eating patterns from the time I was 3! THREE! So sad... It's sad that I've spend 35 years having a dysfunctional relationship with food. Sad that I've wasted so much energy being freaked out by when I was going to eat again, what I was going to eat, what I WASN'T going to eat, how LONG I wasn't going to eat, how if I DID eat, I'd need to be near a bathroom because I'd be running to the toilet after I ate because I'd get diarrhea because my body didn't know what to DO with food since it got it so I'd count the minutes until my husband would go to work so I could binge, how I'd need to make sure I had mints in my car so that I could cover up my "fast food breath" when I got home from errands, how giddy I'd get to actually have a few dollars in CASH so that I COULD go to a drive thru (yes, I know I spelled it in that manner) and use the cash so the purchase wouldn't show up on our bank account because I used my debit I would find trash cans on my way home from errands to dispose of chip/candy wrappers so as not to bring the "evidence" I'd drive home with the windows down (no matter the weather) to "air out" the car and thus destroy any "food smell" evidence... See?? Sick, sick, sick...

I am happy to say I am 90% "better" now. But I will always have it inside of me. Like any recovering addict, I will always be in "recovery mode," no matter how long I've been "sober." But isn't the whole food addiction thing so hard? A drug addict can make sure he/she is not in a crack house; an alcoholic can avoid parties; a gambler can not go to a casino or track...but we have to eat EVERY DAY. So, every day I have to face my demons. That's probably why I was anorexic for so long. I couldn't learn how to deal with food in a healthy manner, so, I just avoided it all together. That's likely how I became an overeater, as well...I couldn't eat a "proper" amount of food, so I just ate and ate and ate. But that's me...I don't just do something a little bit, I do it in a big way.

*sigh* It sounds terrible, but's not. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO thankful that I have been able to lose 35-40 pounds. I'm thankful that I am no longer pre-diabetic. I am thankful that I can run a 5K with no problems. I am thankful that my blood pressure is very healthy. I am thankful that my feet don't ache from the moment I step on them in the morning. I am thankful my kids are no longer embarrassed of my appearance. I am thankful I am no longer disgusted by my appearance. Would I like to lose more? Oh, yes... 20 more, at least... I want to be REALLY healthy, and I think that would put me in that category. 20 more beyond that is just vanity, mostly.

But, there really anything wrong with wanting to look good?



P.S.: Yes, I love my "name!" I AM a fat mom...even if I'm thin, I'll always be a fat mom.


Chellie has Issues said...

I know EXACTLY how you feel. I'm still that fat girl inside a new body. I posted after pics of my surgery for you. It's hard work, but we're worth it right? :)

carla said...

very thought provoking post and ALL CAPPED OFF PERFECTLY by your fatmom comment.

I wont beg to differ ;) although I am sitting on my hands so I dont...


Anonymous said...

Fatmom, you are such a good writer. I am glad you are 'working out the kinks' in your eating, and I am glad you are able to celebrate the good things that have come from your weight loss.

I don't get to use a treadmill very much, but that is so neat when you can see how many calories you burned.