Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Day 307...192!

Well, blogging I am at home today. Daughter is sick. Barfing. Why, oh, why does this have to happen NOW?! My sweet baby has been throwing up all morning; poor muffin! But...could the timing BE any worse?! I think not... The next 5 days are full of things I've been waiting MONTHS, and in some cases, YEARS to do, and...if I'm sick...crapola, I'm gonna be sad, sad, sad! Please think VERY happy, VERY kick-ass immune system thoughts for me!



Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Day 306

To my dear husband:

Please stop reading my blog. You said you wouldn't...but you are. I'm not stupid. Please stop now.



Sunday, October 26, 2008

Day 304...don't know how much I weigh...

My cat is HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He returned on Wednesday evening...divine intervention, I'm tellin' ya! I am sooooooo happy!! Took that little bugger to get microchipped yesterday. Also walked around the ole 'hood here and put up some "he's back!" posters, thanking all of our neighbors for their lovely outpouring of kindness, concern and assistance. I'm thinking someone had him in their house, as he didn't stink at all, and certainly didn't seem as if he'd been living outside for days. I'll bet they saw our pathetic posters, or got tired of hearing me calling: "here, kitty, kitty...Swanky...come here, kitty..." (followed by wails and choking fits) from dawn until bedtime.

ANY-way, my boy is back, and I'm so happy.

I DID figure out a few things:

1. I live in the whitest neighborhood known to man

2. My neighbors are really kind

3. I'm a stress eater

SO, long story is just about back to normal, and I'll get back on track here shortly.

Lots o' love,


Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Day 299...don't care how much I weigh...

Friends, tragedy has struck the house of FatMom. I went away for the weekend (Shop-A-Palooza) which was A.W.E.S.O.M.E.!! BUT, when I got home on Sunday, I said to the husband: Where's my cat?

My cat is missing.

He is a STRICTLY indoor pet. Never been outside in his 2.5 years. And now he's missing. I am heartbroken. Sooooooooo sad. I call him and call him and call him. Nothing. If you "know" me at all, you know that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my animals. I am crushed.

That's a photo of him at top...please think positive thoughts for his safe and timely return.



Friday, October 17, 2008

Day 295...feelin' frisky!

In our continuing theme of reading new blogs, here's an article you might enjoy discussing how to get the sugar out of your diet, but...actually, it goes a little deeper than that...interesting read (and quick):

What else? I was having trouble falling asleep last night, and I started making weird lists in my head about random things, though I think you'll see a theme to learn more? I'll start off in a rather tame fashion, then...well, things may get a little naughty...

1. I'm a Gemini, but not the "traditional" Gem...I LOVES me some gossip, but I would rather cut off my pinkie than repeat any of it. You could leave a suitcase full of cash on the, with a "take me" sign, and I wouldn't dare touch it. Shallow? Not terribly so.

2. I'm a vegan. Through and through. Will I try and bring YOU over to the dark side? Nah... but I may make snarky comments about what you're eating and what you're doing to the environment, etc... but only if I LOVE you...

3. I love watching movies, though I tend to be super busy and end up NetFlixing movies people have probably watched 6 months ago. I just watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall (not bad...I loves me some Russell Brand! Booooo-YEAH!), and Lars and the Real Girl (I cried like a baby).

4. I love to read. Anything. If I feel it may improve my life even just a fraction of a hair, I read it. Sometimes, though, I need a Jackie Collins type of read, which I'll sneak...

5. I LOVE foul language! You know how some people can cuss and sound cool? Yeah... I'm not quite there yet, but I'm practicing. I wonder if Rosetta Stone makes a "Cussing to sound cool 101" program? Nearly EVERY song on my iPod has foul language, strong sexual overtones, etc...I wonder if I'm attracted to it because it's my closet alter ego?

6. Speaking of music...I LOVE music! I go to concerts on a regular basis. I love everything from Jason Mraz (he's my boy) to Nine Inch Nails...speaking OF...going to a Mraz concert in November and a NIN concert in December. Taking my wee boy to the NIN concert and my wee girl to the Mraz one. There is NOTHING in the world like being in an arena with 20,000 other fans screaming for the same thing. The energy blows my mind!

7. I only have my ears pierced, though I wish I were brave enough to get my nose pierced with a tasteful stud (and I don't mean Brad Pitt). I think my principal may have an issue with that.

8. I don't have any tattoos, and I don't expect to ever get any. I can't stand things that are permanent.

9. Boys I'd like to have as my brother or best friend (NOTHING sexual): Jason Mraz, Brad Pitt, Jason Segel, Michael Cera, Sean Hayes (guess I like boys who are sweet and smart, and who try to do good out there)

10. Boys I'd spend the night with if they asked (yes, sexual): Craig Ferguson, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Richard Gere (I know, I know...)Javier Bardem, Russell Brand, Clive Owen, Jude Law...(guess I've got a thing for accents...yes, I do)

11. Boys I 'd spend a loooooong weekend with (you know what we're doing): Olivier Martinez, Joaquin Phoenix and Dave Gahan. Heavy on the accents. Dark hair. Oooozing hotness from every pore...yikes!

12. Girls I'd eat guacamole off of: Natalie Portman and Dianne Lane. Short list.

13. Boys a lot of other people think are hot which I find odd: Justin Timberlake, Chase Crawford (why is my gay-dar tingling?), George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Leo deCaprio...really, I could go on...

14. Odd crushes I have, in a slightly sick sexual way, though I'd never act on them, but might dream about them: Daniel Radcliffe (he's legal now), Alan Rickman (mmmm....), Geoffrey Rush (love this guy), James Spader, Robert Downey, Jr., Kevin Spacey, Jeremy Irons.

15. Things I can't stand: dirty feet, dry hands, odd smells which I can't identify/locate, flys buzzing around my house, people who don't get to the POINT quickly, people with terrible spelling/grammar, petty fights, weather that stays exactly the SAME for more than a few days, a stinky house, dishes left in the sink, dogs licking themselves silly (it's the noise), people who live above their means, then complain about how hard/stressful it is, dirty showers, having to unload the dishwasher, making lunches X4 every day, though ONE of us could make their own damn lunch...

16. Things I love (besides the obvious): a clean car, an empty trash can, folded underwear, reading in bed, a big ole hot breakfast the hopefully someone else made, having friends over for dinner and too much wine, cuddling with the kidlets, visiting rescued farm animals, bookstores, lots of blankets piled on top of me, smelling so good I can't stop sniffing myself, rain falling, waking up thinking it's Monday, when it's really Sunday, working up a good sweat, picnics, a movie that makes me think about it for days afterwards, flirting in a most harmless way, being with my friends...

17. Things I would NEVER do, even if Joaquin Phoenix, Dave Gahan AND Olivier Martinez said they'd engage in a menage a quatre with me...: skydive, bungee jump, kill anything (besides a fly...ohhhhh, I'm baaaaad), lie about something uber important, steal anything, cheat on my spouse, abandon my kids, wear fur.

18. Things on my someday list: swim with the dolphins, learn how to play piano, visit the UK.

19. Places I'd like to visit: Canada, east coast, Hawai'i (all within my reach)

20. Thing I'd like to stop doing the most: denying my true self

Now, do you wonder what I look like? I always wonder what people look like...that way I can imagine them whilst reading their blogs...ANY-way, here's a recent picture (I still need to lose 40 more pounds...) can click on the photo to enlarge it, since I'm a technical dork and don't know how to enlarge it without distorting it... not the first picture, but the one near the bottom of that post, though I do love the first picture...

Thanks for taking this interesting little journey with worries...I go back to work next week, so I won't be as long-winded!



Thursday, October 16, 2008

Two posts in ONE day?!

So, I was just wasting a little time on the computer, and decided to head over to ...

I am not up on all the "news" sites/channels, but, I was shocked. Mostly, I like to live in a world where I pretend terrible things aren't happening, and, in general, it works. I'm not naive, per se, but I just don't want to have my face shoved into the messes of mankind. ANY-way, I was at msn and they have a rather small page, packed with "news" stories. I found ONE real news story, and the rest was about celebrities and fashion? But what got me was that there were not less than 5 links to stories about womens' looks/food/dieting.

Here's a sample:

1. Should obese airplane passengers pay more?

2. Chocoholics: What's your chocolate IQ?

3. Women: diet plan to keep you looking young

4. Flattering plus sized styles (trust me, they're not, I looked; oh, and if those models are plus sized, I'm Henry VIII)

5. Guaranteed: lose 30 pounds--no dieting! (now this one is an ad, but, still...)

Sometimes I wonder: if we just stopped obsessing with how we look, maybe we'd end up sliding into the size we're supposed to be, rather than being too big, or, even too small. AND, no wonder women feel so terribly about themselves.

In closing, here's an interesting article from Prevention: which discusses how long you'll live (kind of). If those 13 markers REALLY mean anything, I've got 12/13, and therefore should live to a very ripe old age...couldn't give myself #13 on their list...still workin' on THAT one!



Day 294...relaxed...

I had a busy day yesterday...doing what, I'm not completely sure, but I was busy, I know that. I have a tendency of staying too busy during short vacations, and I never hit the "*sigh* I'm bored" feeling. I WANT to hit that feeling, and it just isn't gonna happen this vacay. Maybe over Thanksgiving week next month. Yeah...

Still having SO much fun reading new blogs, and enjoying them SO much! Here's a couple of more you might enjoy as well:

1. This lovely lady is a crack up, but deadly serious about weight loss/maintenance at the same time. She's clever and her hair is awesome...check out her post from 10/15, entitled: "I don't have a weight problem"

2. A thought provoking article... from this blog in which the discussion is: what would you do if you found out your trainer/health professional had an eating disorder?

Hmmm...that discussion from #2 made me think: if I were getting good results (and the author was), would I be a strong enough person to distance myself from someone who was NOT living a healthy lifestyle? Now, not to give away the ending, the author stood by her trainer as the trainer worked through her bulimia...was she ever "cured?" Doubtful anyone ever is...bulimia seems to be the most difficult disorder to overcome...but one can manage it...but, wow, if I were getting fab results and the person who was helping me get there was self destructive (yet wasn't heaping it on ME), would I kick them to the curb? No...I would gently offer my support in her turning around her lifestyle. Gawd, do I suck, or what?!

I've been overweight many years of my life. The years from 1995 to 2007 were the worst. I probably weighed in the neighborhood of 250 for a year or two, and 220-ish for most of the rest of those years. I'm 5'4" on a tall day, and I wouldn't say I'm "big boned!" I only had ONE person ever say anything to me about my weight all of those years. (Nope, the ONE person wasn't a DOCTOR, either!) I had many "subtle" messages from family and friends, but no one ever said to me: FatMom, you're going to kill yourself!

Growing up, I was chubby...not grossly overweight, but "sturdy." My family gave me shit nearly every day of my growing up years for it. My mom was 102 pounds on a fat day, and clocked in at a hefty 120 when 9 months pregnant at 35 years old. Weight was very important to my mom, and yet it appeared she was blessed with a flea's metabolism. She ATE! I, on the other hand, ate as well, and it stuck to me like bark on a tree. So, I became anorexic. My family LOVED how I looked. (Finally...) Of course all that positive feedback did was reinforce the obsessive need to NOT eat. I became extremely underweight (80 pounds), and FINALLY they became alarmed. All of their shouting and negative comments did was FURTHER reinforce my desire to not eat.

I ended up recovering, at least outwardly, in that I started to eat again, and hovered around 110 pounds for the rest of my late teens/early 20's. But the anorexia was ingrained deeply inside of me. Or, rather, the whole "eating disorder" thing was now a part of every cell in my abused body. When I got pregnant with my son in 1994, both of my parents were dead. My mom had died the month before, and I was sad. I started to eat again...a lot. Between my sadness, my out of control feelings and now a new pregnancy, I ate and ate and ate. I gained 55 pounds with my son. He barely weighed 6 pounds. 9 months later, I got pregnant with my daughter. I kept my weight gain to 40 pounds. She weighed 8 pounds. When I delivered my daughter, I weighed 225 pounds. My husband and I had been married 2.5 years, popped out two kids and I now weighed 100 pounds more than I did the day we got married.

He must have thought: REFUND!!!

Was it the pregnancies that "made" me gain weight? Nah... It was an excuse to eat. For the first time in my life, I felt that I could EAT and no one could say a word.

However, after having my son, I got all the way down (!!) to 170, just before getting pregnant with my daughter. After my daughter was born, things really sucked in my marriage, and I didn't lose any weight, and, in fact...gained a lot more. That's when I got up to around 250+ and stayed there for a couple/three years. I can't believe I didn't have a heart attack.

I went on a zillion diets. Every Monday was "the DAY." God help me if the FIRST of the month was ALSO a Monday, because that was a double whammy.

It took me years to realize my weight was not about eating. It wasn't about food. It wasn't about my marriage, my family, my job, my lack of self discipline (because hey...being anorexic takes more self discipline than you can shake a stick at) fatness wasn't about my love of great tasting you know how many times I've eaten something IN ITS ENTIRETY, all the while saying out loud: Gawd, this doesn't taste very good... it was about filling up a hole inside of me with food. And until I could learn to fill up the hole with something besides food, I'd always be fat.

I'm still trying to find what fills up that hole. But I'm learning little bits here and there. I've learned that the hole cannot be filled up with potato chips, cookies or pizza. I think that once I learn to TRULY love myself, then the hole can be filled. Once that hole is filled, I think I'll plant a beautiful tree in it...



Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Day 293...189

Jeez, I love having time off. I get to catch up on all of my favorite blogs, have time to find NEW blogs to read, and just generally glean a bunch of tasty tidbits of knowledge. Example (a la Pulp Fiction):

1. Today is LOVE YOUR BODY I love my body? I respect my body...still learning the love part

3. Here's a new blog I've found that's fab:

Ahhhh, what else? Very social week planned...last night I met up with some friends (including one who moved to JawJuh (Georgia) a few years ago at a local BOWLING ALLEY! Bowling alley, y'all! Two of the group are in a league and, so...well, it seemed like a good place to meet. Did ya know the bowling alley has a FULL bar?! The last time we were all together (about 2 years ago), we got kicked OUT of a bar. This time? Pretty tame in comparison. Only a few boobie flashes, and only one man who was presented for our consideration (politely declined). was lovely to see the girls's always nice to be able to commiserate with other wives/moms about the daily pleasures, trials and tribulations of life. The JawJuh mom did lap-band surgery a year ago, and holy crap, she looks amazing! Makes me want to do the lap band thingie, all know I wouldn't do it...too chicken...ANY-way, we laughed about how we now weigh less than what our driver's licenses list...and we LIED about our weight THEN! Too funny!

Today it's lunch with the husband at a special place he has picked out just for moi. I've got a play to see on Friday night, and (drum roll)'s SHOP-a-PALOOZA weekend!! Yeeeee-haw! Every year my sister, my daughter and daughter's best friend, go to the bay area with an obscene amount of money, stay overnight, and just shop to our heart's content. Not for Christmas...just for's my one indulgence for the year...still, I can't help but focus on the fact this year that I'm 10 pounds heavier than I was last year. *sigh* I went out for a little Shop-A-Palooza warm up yesterday, and...dang it! Those 10 pounds puts me up an entire size. Shizzle... Oh, well...I shall just enjoy being with my lovely sister, and make that my primary focus. The little girls are opting out this year, as my daughter HATES shopping, and finally confessed that she would be tortured if she had to go. Ok, so just me and my sister; sounds good, actually ;0)

What else??? Not much...

Enjoy this beautiful fall day, bloggers~



Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Day 292...189...

So, I've been super busy, super tired and just super-super. I got a promotion at work, though! Yippee! It'll take effect in January, when the new semester starts. I'm excited about it...I'll now be fully integrated into the special education department, and not just flirting around the edges of it.

Besides that, not a whole lot to report. Been on track with eating quite well, and am doing fine with that. I've been SO tired lately, though, that my exercise has suffered...I do have the rest of this week off and my plan is to get back on track. I've found that even 15 minutes 3x/day is helpful to keep me moving and feeling less tired. That's likely the culprit, eh?! I get tired, and want to sleep for that extra half hour instead of exercising in the morning, and yet that ends up making me MORE tired by the time evening comes. Silly me!

Got an email from my new cyber pal, Angie, last week, and I must confess I jumped down her throat with BOTH feet (I have since sincerely apologized) at a comment she made to me...a comment which was meant to be kind and supportive. Being the crankster that I am, however, I jumped on her. Still, it made me think... I was lamenting how HARD (insert whiny voice here) it is to lose weight and that I keep losing and gaining the same freaking 1o pounds! Her comment back to me was (paraphrasing): "Losing weight is a 'no brainer.' Just work hard!"

(Clearing throat...paraphrasing again) Well, I shot back... if losing weight were a "no brainer," I'd be 110 pounds by now. It'll take ME a little more than "effort" and "hard work" to lose.

So I started wondering...WHY was I so fired up by that comment? Is it REALLY just a matter of "hard work" and "effort?" Or does it go deeper than that? Was I offended because I know she's right? Was I miffed because she made me realize that despite whatever history I have with food, I AM in control of the choices I make? Is this REALLY a situation when it IS all about me?

I was in a "staff development" training yesterday (I think I'm "developed" enough, though...), and something one presenter said really struck me... she said: When we blame other people, we give our power away.


Dang it...Angie's right...mostly ;~)

Gawd, I LOVE being around people smarter than myself. Thanks, Angie!

Love to all,


Monday, October 6, 2008

Day 284...Tired

I'm tired, folks. Just feeling drained today. Crabby and drained. See what hormones will do to a gal? I feel like I need a good cry and a nap. Better than a box of Oreo's and a tub of soy cream, that's for sure. Of course I won't get ANY of that stuff...I'll have to settle on a bean burger and Monday night football. Eh, that sounds ok, too.