Saturday, December 29, 2007

Day 4...Nice, nice...

186.2 pounds

Ok, so, things are going well. I've been tracking my meals and today (drum roll...) I'm going to the gym for a "welcome back" walk. Jeez, I'll probably be unable to get out of bed tomorrow--ha ha!

Looking forward to the new year. Boy, do I have big plans! My plan is to keep dropping at a steady pace--well, steady for me--I tend to drop in chunks...but as long as I see an obvi

(January 2nd): OOPS! Notice I quit right in the middle of my sentence...wanna hear what happened? I'm sure you do...

So, I have a blog, right? Yes, obviously, but, see, this is my NEW blog...I had one I wrote in quite faithfully up until a few months ago when I decided that that blog that I'd kept for a year was just no longer 'me.' So, I deleted it, and quit the whole blogging thing. But, then, I missed it. I missed connecting with my other blogging friends in cyberspace...I missed commiserating on the trials and tribulations of losing excess pounds, crappy attitudes and years of pain. SO, I started a new blog quite recently.

ANY-one who knows me, however, knows that my weight is the bane of my existence. Yes, I know I should not let it color my perception of myself, but it does. It is by FAR the most difficult thing I've ever had to come to terms with. My weight tends to determine whether or not I like myself; my weight determines whether or not I feel deserving of ANY-thing; my weight has, at times, caused me to do physical harm to myself, and let's not even talk about the harm I've done to myself emotionally.

I've 'used' my blog as a type of therapy. I believe it's worked quite well. I feel very much relieved after I post. A regular release, of sorts. It feels good to connect with others who understand what I'm going through; it feels good to offer support to others going through the exact same things I'm going through. It just feels good to finally begin to feel HEALTHY.

All that being said, my blog is THE most personal thing I 'own.' It's my diary. It's where I can be 100% myself. We ALL censor some of our thoughts and feelings with our loved ones. It's only natural and it's a good thing that we do that. But is where I can be absolutely worry free about having to 'please' everyone (often at the very foundation of eating disorders, my friends).

But can I be absolutely worry free?

Apparently not...

Here's where you find out why I didn't finish my sentence up there...

My biggest fear in life is not that I will die. It's not that I'll be homeless. It's not that I will develop some weird disease. It's that someone I love will read my blog. So, I've never told ANYone about my blog. Not husband; not family; not friends. NOone. Last week, I decided to update my blog at the library, something I've never done, amidst complete anonymity. I hadn't written for a couple of days and I was feeling stressed by that; but the husband had been home, and, as I said before, I would DIE if he read my blog, so...worrier me, I decided maybe I'd update at the library since I needed to go that day anyhow.

Imagine my complete and utter shock when who happens to come up on me and scare me half to death...the husband and kids! MY husband, whom I didn't even KNOW knew where the library WAS, decided to come in and find a book at the exact same time I was there. Well, of course I was in the middle of my blog, and so I closed the page immediately (remember my utter fear of discovery?). Well, of course I was embarrassed at being 'found out.' Now I knew I had to tell the truth about what I was doing and why I couldn't do it at home. The husband was very wounded, thinking I was on some sort of dating site, or if! So, right there in the library, I was crying and trying to explain that it's my "fat" blog and I would have DIED if he ever 'found' it, and so, yes...I was updating it away from home.

He was all caught up in how awful it looked, to come upon me in the library, working at a computer and then hiding what I was doing...Yes, it know it looked terrible, but it's just my diary, I tried explaining. Why are you hiding it, he wanted to know... Because I don't want you to read it, I said. Then just say: 'don't read it,' he replies. (Ah, sounds so simple, huh?) Why can't you share it with me, he wants to know... Because, I say, I can't talk to you about the most intimate details about being fat because you don't know what it's like to be fat, and I don't want you to know how HARD it is to be fat, and how much I struggle with it because then you'll realize I'm not perfect and I want you to think I'm perfect because I'm afraid you'll love me less if you find out, I blubber...

In the midst of this whole conversation he reveals that he's had trust issues with me as of late, and this just fuels his fire about it. Me? Trust issues about ME?! I found that to be very surprising. I'm THE most trustworthy person I have ever known. My weight is the ONLY thing I may not be completely accurate about, and the fact that I had a blog (on line diary), that he didn't know about and therefore feels that I was deceptive about, and now leading him to conclude: what ELSE is she hiding, seems a little silly. There is nothing I'm hiding.

Can't I just have a diary? And not feel 'dirty' about it? Now it feels tainted. Now I'm going to feel deceptive every time I'm going to write in it, although he knows about it now and although I didn't feel DECEPTIVE BEFORE. It's a DIARY. I believe diaries are private. As are one's emails and phone conversations. Everything else is open territory in a marriage.

*sigh* SO, now you know why I didn't finish my thoughts the other day. Aren't you glad you wondered?


Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Day 2...I am SO ready...

189.4 pounds

So, yesterday I went to the library to get some health books. It's really one of my obsessions. I read and read and read and read...thinking I'm going to learn something about losing weight and being healthier in general. I read obsessively as if I'm going to read a life altering sentence in one of those books that causes me to drop the next 50 pounds as easily as it is to GAIN said 50 pounds. My husband once asked me (in a not unkind manner: Why do you keep reading those books? My response: Because I know if I just look long enough, I'll find the answer (to my weight dilemma). Of course the answer is INSIDE of me...but that's another story) ANY-way, don't you know, that as an obese person, I could WRITE the damn books myself?! I know all there is to know about eating right. It's the actual DOING part of it that I have difficulty with.

But I keep searching. Right now I'm reading a classic: Dr. Dean Ornish's book, Eat More, Weigh Less. Basically, his principle boils (ha!) down to this: eat essentially all grains/fruits/vegs, VERY little ovo-lacto, no meat...and no fat, and you can eat all ya want! Sure, that makes sense. I subscribe to that principle (well, minus the ovo-lacto thingie). What really caught me, though, was one small section at the beginning of this little gem where he addresses the whole "food/emotion" quandary. Here's a little excerpt (a little long, but well worth the read):

"We use food not only to try to feed the emptiness but also to add to our pain by punishing ourselves when we seem unable to follow a diet. We attribute moral qualities to foods--'good foods' or 'bad foods'--and thus to ourselves or others who eat those foods...We give food the power to make us happy or sad, and in some cases even to control our lives. The addiction comes from believing that it is the food...that fills the void rather than realizing that we create the void by believing we're isolated and only may find yourself eating the foods in secret, which only reinforces the power of the food. And when you eat in secret, then you further isolate yourself from your inner voice and your most intimate feelings...But food has no power other than what we give to it. Food is just food, nothing more or less...We empower food when we believe it can bring us the peace and wholeness we have forgotten. We are afraid of food when we think it's bad. But we are looking in the wrong place. We don't need more willpower; we need more understanding."

Wow. That's deep. I always know I'm in big trouble when I start hiding my food. THAT's when I know I'm consumed by my addiction. I need to learn the signals that tell me I'm sliding into the quicksand that is my addiction and not struggle against my lack of "willpower." I need to RELAX and accept that food IS simply food and that the only power it has is the power I choose to give it. I need to feed my soul and not my stomach.

Ok, I'm done being philosophical.
Looking forward to staying on plan today...heard about a book I haven't read that I'm going to order from my local public library (ah, tax dollars...thank you!)...Eat to Live by Dr. Joel Fuhrman. Looks pretty good, though I got the basic premise of it from my best friend, Google. Still, you know how I loves to read the books!
Wonder when I'll finally bring exercise back into my plan? Probably on the 7th when we all go back to school. I need to figure out how to get music on my iPod...yes, I've had it for a year, and still haven't figured out how to put music on it...but, like the title says here: FatMom is a Loser!

Day 1...I'm Baaaaaack!


I've really missed everyone in blogsville! I used to enjoy my blog and I'd write in it every day...but then I felt it had become toooooo negative; way too focused on my (very) personal life and less focused on my weight loss journey. I aim to remedy all that by beginning a new...

Since deleting my previous blog, I managed to slide down into the high 170's, from a high of 220. Now, mind you, that wasn't my ALL TIME highest weight...nope, that was around 250. I think...I stopped weighing myself when I got to around 240. My life was a mess; my joints hurt; I huffed and puffed with even the mildest exertion; my husband was disgusted by me and was threatening divorce (or infidelity); I was worried I wouldn't see my kids grow up; I would gasp for air when I laid flat on my back at night; my heart developed a weird rhythm; I was sickened by what I looked like; my back hurt; my feet ached like crazy...I could go on and on...

I got myself down to around 220 from that awful high, but I was still grossly overweight, of course. I was never quite ready to do anything about it, though. Until May of last year. THEN I was ready. There was no epiphany. No burning bush. No threats. No nothing. I just finally realized I wanted to be HEALTHY. I didn't want to be skinny; I didn't want to be thinner for an event; I just wanted to be as healthy as I could.

So, I watched how much I ate; I'm a vegan...yes, you can get really fat even if you're a I went back to eating as a vegan SHOULD eat...lots of vegetables, fruit and whole grains. Less natural peanut butter and tortilla chips! I began to exercise with a passion! I went from huffing and puffing as I crossed the street to running (yes, running) 5+ miles quite easily. I'd lost 41 pounds, but then decided to eat my way through the month of December, stop exercising, because jeez, I'm just SOOOO busy (sarcasm) and WHOOPS! here I am back at 192. Gained 13 pounds in less than a month! It IS possible, y'all, as I am living proof.

I will get back on track. Beginning right now.