Saturday, December 29, 2007

Day 4...Nice, nice...

186.2 pounds

Ok, so, things are going well. I've been tracking my meals and today (drum roll...) I'm going to the gym for a "welcome back" walk. Jeez, I'll probably be unable to get out of bed tomorrow--ha ha!

Looking forward to the new year. Boy, do I have big plans! My plan is to keep dropping at a steady pace--well, steady for me--I tend to drop in chunks...but as long as I see an obvi

(January 2nd): OOPS! Notice I quit right in the middle of my sentence...wanna hear what happened? I'm sure you do...

So, I have a blog, right? Yes, obviously, but, see, this is my NEW blog...I had one I wrote in quite faithfully up until a few months ago when I decided that that blog that I'd kept for a year was just no longer 'me.' So, I deleted it, and quit the whole blogging thing. But, then, I missed it. I missed connecting with my other blogging friends in cyberspace...I missed commiserating on the trials and tribulations of losing excess pounds, crappy attitudes and years of pain. SO, I started a new blog quite recently.

ANY-one who knows me, however, knows that my weight is the bane of my existence. Yes, I know I should not let it color my perception of myself, but it does. It is by FAR the most difficult thing I've ever had to come to terms with. My weight tends to determine whether or not I like myself; my weight determines whether or not I feel deserving of ANY-thing; my weight has, at times, caused me to do physical harm to myself, and let's not even talk about the harm I've done to myself emotionally.

I've 'used' my blog as a type of therapy. I believe it's worked quite well. I feel very much relieved after I post. A regular release, of sorts. It feels good to connect with others who understand what I'm going through; it feels good to offer support to others going through the exact same things I'm going through. It just feels good to finally begin to feel HEALTHY.

All that being said, my blog is THE most personal thing I 'own.' It's my diary. It's where I can be 100% myself. We ALL censor some of our thoughts and feelings with our loved ones. It's only natural and it's a good thing that we do that. But is where I can be absolutely worry free about having to 'please' everyone (often at the very foundation of eating disorders, my friends).

But can I be absolutely worry free?

Apparently not...

Here's where you find out why I didn't finish my sentence up there...

My biggest fear in life is not that I will die. It's not that I'll be homeless. It's not that I will develop some weird disease. It's that someone I love will read my blog. So, I've never told ANYone about my blog. Not husband; not family; not friends. NOone. Last week, I decided to update my blog at the library, something I've never done, amidst complete anonymity. I hadn't written for a couple of days and I was feeling stressed by that; but the husband had been home, and, as I said before, I would DIE if he read my blog, so...worrier me, I decided maybe I'd update at the library since I needed to go that day anyhow.

Imagine my complete and utter shock when who happens to come up on me and scare me half to death...the husband and kids! MY husband, whom I didn't even KNOW knew where the library WAS, decided to come in and find a book at the exact same time I was there. Well, of course I was in the middle of my blog, and so I closed the page immediately (remember my utter fear of discovery?). Well, of course I was embarrassed at being 'found out.' Now I knew I had to tell the truth about what I was doing and why I couldn't do it at home. The husband was very wounded, thinking I was on some sort of dating site, or if! So, right there in the library, I was crying and trying to explain that it's my "fat" blog and I would have DIED if he ever 'found' it, and so, yes...I was updating it away from home.

He was all caught up in how awful it looked, to come upon me in the library, working at a computer and then hiding what I was doing...Yes, it know it looked terrible, but it's just my diary, I tried explaining. Why are you hiding it, he wanted to know... Because I don't want you to read it, I said. Then just say: 'don't read it,' he replies. (Ah, sounds so simple, huh?) Why can't you share it with me, he wants to know... Because, I say, I can't talk to you about the most intimate details about being fat because you don't know what it's like to be fat, and I don't want you to know how HARD it is to be fat, and how much I struggle with it because then you'll realize I'm not perfect and I want you to think I'm perfect because I'm afraid you'll love me less if you find out, I blubber...

In the midst of this whole conversation he reveals that he's had trust issues with me as of late, and this just fuels his fire about it. Me? Trust issues about ME?! I found that to be very surprising. I'm THE most trustworthy person I have ever known. My weight is the ONLY thing I may not be completely accurate about, and the fact that I had a blog (on line diary), that he didn't know about and therefore feels that I was deceptive about, and now leading him to conclude: what ELSE is she hiding, seems a little silly. There is nothing I'm hiding.

Can't I just have a diary? And not feel 'dirty' about it? Now it feels tainted. Now I'm going to feel deceptive every time I'm going to write in it, although he knows about it now and although I didn't feel DECEPTIVE BEFORE. It's a DIARY. I believe diaries are private. As are one's emails and phone conversations. Everything else is open territory in a marriage.

*sigh* SO, now you know why I didn't finish my thoughts the other day. Aren't you glad you wondered?


1 comment:

Iron "GeekGirl" Misty said...

That is a difficult situation, but, it could be a good thing. If he read it, it would give him great insite into what you're feeling and thinking. The tough part would be not censoring yourself because you know he's reading it.
Email about your other question. I don't have any way to reply to you other than here - PS: Are the dark marks when you're running a bruise?