Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Day 278...189 big ones...

So things are moving along fine. No great shakes, nothing too outrageous to report. Just kind of blah, blah, blah. Last night as I was falling asleep, I was thinking: jeez, my life is B-O-R-I-N-G! I need to squish some excitement in there! Not the "bad" kind of excitement that may come from a health issue or whatnot...but FUN. I mean, I do have fun, but...I guess that's the Gemini in me...I just crave newness all the time. I get used to things to quickly and then I get bored. Not the irresponsible kind of bored, but, just...BLAH.

But things are great. Just keepin' on keepin on...



Thursday, September 25, 2008

Day 273...better...

Wow, do I have the most wonderful cyber friends, or what?! You all have such insight, wisdom and good old fashioned commiserative skills. You are all so wonderful!

Better today...don't know what changed, except my crappy attitude. I exercised this morning, which I DIDN'T yesterday, so I'm wondering if that helped. Of course I can't really call it "exercise" this morning, as I was walking at a snail's pace on the treadmill trying to finish a project for my principal, which...is a little overdue...STILL, I congratulate myself on NOT skipping the "workout" to work, and instead stayed on track (ha, a pun!) and walked despite the snail's pace.

Ready for a REAL workout this afternoon; I have to change into workout clothes the second I get home, or...well, I may decide those breakfast dishes are more important than my health. And we all know THAT'S not true!

On a more serious note...I've been thinking of my blogging-pal, Kim... http://icannotbelieveiamblogging.blogspot.com/ ... and her journey... she is so honest and real, and I love her for it. She's been talking a bit lately about how HARD it is to lose weight, but how much HARDER she thinks it's going to be to maintain her weight once it's all gone. She's also been lamenting the fact that she still has a few pounds to go, and that despite losing 70 (!!!!) pounds so far, those last few pounds may as well be 70 more due to the psychological weight of it all. I feel for her...I do, but I can't help doing a little happy jig in my head for the excitement she must feel at losing 70 pounds! So, she can worry, and I will dance, because I know she's going to be just fine. We all hit stumbling blocks, but we can move through it. She has, she will. I find a lot of inspiration in her. Check her out...

Also been thinking of my other blogging-inspiration, FATINAH http://fatinah.blogspot.com/ ; talk about a cutie pie who is nearly ALWAYS positive and kicking butt on her workouts! I always smile when I read her posts. She's come a long way, and if you're in need of some attitude shift with regards to exercise, she's the go-to-gal.

I never thought I'd find "friends" in cyber space. But I have, and I love you all!

OH! Forgot to tell you... visited with my beloved ducks the other day! They're soooooo precious! I swear that somewhere in a tiny recess of their peanut brains, they recognize me! BUT, my male is being bad...he's chasing the blind ducks around and being aggressive with them. He and his girl had to be moved to another part of the yard...I hope he straightens himself out. Either that, or the sanctuary lady said she'd have to find another home for them. I can barely handle them being in THAT fabulous place...I can't even begin to think of them going anywhere else. Think positive...



Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Day 272~ Feeling GRRRRR....

So, I had a tough day. No particular reason, just...feeling as if it were a tough day. I don't have PMS. I have no idea what's up. No, wait...I do...I need to stop lying about my feelings. But I lie because I don't want people to think I'm a jerk. Or that I'm self-important. Or, WHATEVER...

But I know I can be 100% honest here...

The truth is, I have a problem with self esteem. A big problem. I constantly think that if people are not falling all over me, they must dislike me. If people are not stopping to chat, they must be mad at me for something (what, I cannot fathom, truly...). If men are not flirting with me, I must be ugly. If my students at school are having a tough day, it must be my fault.

Child of alcoholics syndrome? I don't know... What I DO know, is that I HATE that about myself. The need for constant reassurance that I'm needed and appreciated. Not necessarily LOVED, but I have this near panic-stricken need to be NEEDED and appreciated. I have a hard time feeling important, and I guess that's how I can feel important. Jeez, I'm also a crazy people pleaser.

I eat for many reasons, and that is one of them. To fill up a hole inside of me. It certainly doesn't work. It just makes the hole larger. More dangerous and dark. This is largely why I have a weight problem. That's certainly how I GOT fat in the first place. Trying to fill up the hole; trying to quiet the panic. Doubtful anyone ever found the the way out of that hole in the bottom of a bag of chips, however.

*sigh* Still, I've been on track the last few days...things are fine. Just crabby today...I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow.



Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Day 221...my new WI will be on Mondays~

I'm going to try something new...only weigh in once a week. Now, for many of you, that may sound nuts. Nuts as in "WHAT?! She weighs herself MORE than once a week?!" THAT would be the comments of the "sane" people out there. BUT, if you're like me and you're scale obsessed, you may find yourself breaking out in a cold sweat. As in: "WHAT do you MEAN?! Only weigh in once a week?! Are you out of your mind?!" Perhaps I am. This coming from someone who weighs herself ONLY during the following circumstances:

1. When I wake up

2. After my cup of coffee and shower

3. Before my morning "bathroom" trip

4. After my morning "bathroom" trip

5. When I get home from work

6. After I exercise

7. After dinner

8. Before bed

Yes, no less than 8 times a day. On some days, it could be more often. Yes, I DO hold down a full time job, have two kids, multiple pets, a house and a husband.

But, still...I will try to WI only once a week. Now, let's be honest, though...I may only be able to go so far as to not WI in the MORNINGS. I may still have to peek in the afternoons/evenings. What can I say? I've got issues.

Best to all,


Monday, September 22, 2008

Day 220...feeling a bit better~

Hello, friends~

So, I am feeling a bit better today, and, actually...throughout the weekend. I did stay on track quite well this weekend, and that always makes me feel a lot better about EVERYTHING in my life. When my food is "in control," my LIFE is "in control." As soon as I start to feel out of control, for any reason, my eating reflects that.

But, what, friends, has happened to me these last couple of months. No, I have not taken any new medications. Nor have I done much different except slack off on my eating and exercise plan. Oh, DUH! That would do it, wouldn't it? Slacked off terribly like a 35 year old unemployed dope smoker still living at home? No, not that bad. More like a teenager rebelling just a bit. It's tough when you lose your mojo. *sigh* Got to figure out how to get it back.

DID join a new challenge! I'm excited to say that I've already "met" some new friends who have been very kind in their compassion towards me and my reluctant to leave poundage. Want to check out the challenge? Here's the link: http://biggestloserblogedition.blogspot.com/ Seems like a lovely group of peeps.

I read a discussion in yesterday's paper about Biggest Loser and how it actually messes a lot of viewers up and how it degrades the contestants. Now, unless you're a bit short in the brain cell department, you MUST realize that show is unrealistic from the standpoint of WHO can leave their families, sequester themselves for months on end, have the benefit of personal chefs, not having to work, being busted in the ass by the trainers constantly, et. al? Not many people, I'm afraid, can do that. And, I wonder, what happens to them AFTER the show? When they have to go back to "real" life and jobs, families, stress? Having to shop and cook for themselves? I wonder... Secondly, as far as degrading the contestants, I'm guessing they knew what they were in for when they went to the first call, and the call backs, and finally, when they were selected for the show. Not one of them seems lacking upstairs.

Still, how fun it is to see the weight drop off. To see that with good old fashioned hard work, it CAN be removed. That's the PHYSICAL side. I find the PSYCHOLOGICAL side of eating and of being fat far more difficult to remove. But I know it can be done. I've seen it. I've DONE it. I can CONTINUE to do it.

Thanks, everyone~


P.S.: Why does everyone get so upset over my name? Please...it's not a big (ha! a pun!) deal.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Day 268...feel as if I WEIGH 268!

Wow...I am just in a rut right now. I am barely making any efforts at all, and the siren song of food is very hard to resist right now. I'm wondering if I am subconsciously stressed? Why else would I feel this intense desire to eat, eat, eat? Hmmm...

Still exercising on a regular basis, so that's good...but...something in my little equation of success is missing. What is it?!

I've been sliding down the hill into FatCity since my reunion in mid July. 10 weeks now. Gaining a pound a week...WTF?!

I'm now at a weight where I'm SCARED. Will I gain it all back? I now have my (not so little) fat roll above my waistband back as a constant companion. Funny thing is, that roll has been BIG, BIG, BIG in my life, depending what weight I was currently entertaining at the time. I hardly noticed it leave (so quietly, so subtly, just slipped away...) back 10 pounds ago, but MAN, does he make a loud, stumbling-home-at-2 a.m.-drunk-through-the-back-door-with-someone-he-picked-up-from-the-bar-whilst-wearing-his-beer-goggles, ENTRANCE back into my life. I feel that roll constantly now, and it's driving me nuts.

What do you do to jar yourself back into getting on track? What does it take for you? I think I need a "scared straight" intervention. Can you help me, friends?

Help Me, Please~


Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Day 257...who knows?

Sick today. Well, FatMom sick. See, my stomach is very sensitive. Here's an equation for ya:

Indulging in wrong for me foods + stress + hormones = FatMom feeling like she has the flu

Back in 2001/2002 or so, this was the norm for me. I spent the better part of 6 months feeling like I had morning sickness. Now I say this because oddly enough, sometime around late morning to early afternoon, I feel completely normal. But in the middle of the night, early in the morning, I feel like hell. I'm nauseated, I have diarrhea, I'm sweaty, I'm freezing, and I feel exhausted. I can tell that my "off plan" eating these last couple of weeks has caught up with me, adding on top of that some stress, and my period getting ready to start, and it was a combo that was gonna line up with a "7-7-7" and a jackpot of ickiness.

So, I had to call in sick to school today. Man, I hate that. I don't like not working. So much so that I re-contacted staff and said I'd be in at 11. I feel guilty. It's not as if I'm contagious, so I feel supreme guilt. Add on top of that the fact that I'm already slated to take Friday off for a long family weekend at the beach. (insert more guilt) It's our annual trip, and man...I'd better NOT be sick!

Any-whooooo, I'm going to lay down for a wee bit, though I am sure I can get through the day now.



Friday, September 5, 2008

Day 253...just waiting...

So, still nothing new...but I did have a few weird dreams. Care to interpret?

Dream #1: My daughter had ants crawling out of her ear.

Dream #2: I had crabs in my pubes.

Dream #3: I kissed my son's teacher. Teacher is a "she." WTF?

Clearly I shouldn't eat chocolate right before bed. Either that or they should really drug test teachers.

Loves ya,


Wednesday, September 3, 2008

Day 251...I'll weigh in a few days...

Holy, holy crap, but things are boring right now. I have no drama to report that's interesting, no spectacular feats, no incredible teacher-student breakthroughs, no NOTHIN'. *sigh* I know it doesn't make for a very interesting blog, but rest assured, that tomorrow is another day, and surely SOMETHING will happen tomorrow.

So, I'll just randomly ramble...

I still miss my ducks something fierce. I still F*C&ing HATE who ever it was that called the county on me. I hope whomever it was is reincarnated as a pus filled hemerrhoid on my fat ass. No, I hope they're reincarnated AS a fatty. Wait, I hope they're a celebrity who gets FAT.

I got my face waxed again, and I only ended up with ONE tiny zit. That's good news.

I bought some contacts which "enhance" my natural eye color. Please. If you know me, you could totally tell. My eyes are VERY light blue. These make them ocean-ish blue. STILL, people who know me tell me they don't look crazy fake. So, I wear them on occasion. Kind of like dress up. I figure: hey, that's not totally my natural hair color...my lips are not pinkish-terra cotta in color...that certain glow in my cheeks comes from a compact. SO, why not use some color enhancers? What's the difference between make up/hair color and embellishing my natural eye color?

I've been going to bed at 10 p.m. lately. I've found this makes it easy to get up at 5:45 a.m. If I go to bed at 10:30 or 11, I lay in bed kicking the mattress when the alarm goes off in the morning. Not a "zen like" way to start your day. So, 10 p.m. it is. And that's IN bed at 10 p.m., not mosey into the bathroom at 10, pluck gray hairs from head, apply all manner of facial cleansers, toners, acne cream (yes, I break out still), post acne fade cream, special eye crap, pluck stray hairs from chin/lip area, brush teeth, apply lip balm, lotion entire body, take out contacts and use prescription nasal spray. Oh, and work in a pee. By the time I do all that crap, it's 10:15. SO, 10 it is. Gotta be very strict.

Why do people trust me so much? This has happened to me my whole life. People assume I'm trustworthy. They give me their kids, they give me their cars, keys to their houses, their secrets. Why?

I want to see the new DeNiro/Pacino movie.

Gonna go out of town this fall several times. Looking forward to each one for different reasons.

Feeling a bit overwhelmed by all that I have to do.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the following blog: http://yeahthatveganshit.blogspot.com/ check out her entry for September 3rd. You may recall I am a vegan, which is how I FOUND her blog, but I keep reading it because she's sooooooooooooo funny. Warning: she can be crude and use off color language, so, if you're very conservative, don't read it. BTW, why are are you reading THIS blog, then? So, stop.

Feeling comforted by a piece of brownie. Not good. BUT, I only ate one. Still not good, but, better than eating half a pan.

I've got to get myself together for tomorrow.

Love to all,


Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Day 250...weight? The same

Man, day "250." I used to WEIGH 250. Scary stuff.

Nothin much new round here. Had a great holiday weekend. Found out I need 3 days just to get all the chores done AND get some fun in. Wouldn't it be cool to work 4-10's? I already do that anyway. It would be just sick (I hang around too many kids) to make it official, though.

Exercise is going well. I'm back at it after all that extraneous and unexplained bleeding from last week.

So boring. So sorry.