So, I had a tough day. No particular reason, just...feeling as if it were a tough day. I don't have PMS. I have no idea what's up. No, wait...I do...I need to stop lying about my feelings. But I lie because I don't want people to think I'm a jerk. Or that I'm self-important. Or, WHATEVER...
But I know I can be 100% honest here...
The truth is, I have a problem with self esteem. A big problem. I constantly think that if people are not falling all over me, they must dislike me. If people are not stopping to chat, they must be mad at me for something (what, I cannot fathom, truly...). If men are not flirting with me, I must be ugly. If my students at school are having a tough day, it must be my fault.
Child of alcoholics syndrome? I don't know... What I DO know, is that I HATE that about myself. The need for constant reassurance that I'm needed and appreciated. Not necessarily LOVED, but I have this near panic-stricken need to be NEEDED and appreciated. I have a hard time feeling important, and I guess that's how I can feel important. Jeez, I'm also a crazy people pleaser.
I eat for many reasons, and that is one of them. To fill up a hole inside of me. It certainly doesn't work. It just makes the hole larger. More dangerous and dark. This is largely why I have a weight problem. That's certainly how I GOT fat in the first place. Trying to fill up the hole; trying to quiet the panic. Doubtful anyone ever found the the way out of that hole in the bottom of a bag of chips, however.
*sigh* Still, I've been on track the last few days...things are fine. Just crabby today...I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow.