Ok, so I had this nightmare...It was that I had eaten my way back up to 200 pounds.
Then, I realized I was AWAKE and this was a nightmare in the truest sense of the word.
Seriously, is there something WRONG with my brain?
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Gosh, I love having a few days off to just get some projects done I've been putting off as well as having some leisure time...I cleaned out the garage yesterday (now the ole mama van is STUFFED full of things for the local thrift store), AND I was able to watch the first season of Mad Men (the jury is still out on whether or not the show is as amazing as people have said...it's GOOD, I think, but...I'm feeling a little unfulfilled...) AND I was able to catch up on a lot of blogs as well as find new ones. Example (a la Pulp Fiction):
This outrageously amazing lady, who is smart, funny, tough and downright scary honest from the tip of her inspirational head down to the the tip of her awesome big toe nail: http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2008/11/how-can-anyone-eat-that-much.html
Check out THAT entry listed above!! "How can anyone eat that much" blog could've been written by me and many others I know...HOW is it that we can eat astronomical amounts of food and not feel sick, and not even feel overly full? Weird... I feel like a medical experiment sometimes when I binge. It just seems impossible. I know you're all super busy, so I'll put in a paragraph that made me shake my head in agreement:
On a big binge day I know I have eaten around 8000 calories before. You would think that once I stopped eating like that, the weight would just FALL off me, but it doesn't. That's what has made this hard for me (mentally): I can eat an awful lot of food when I am not losing weight, but once I cut back, it comes off slowly. When you have gotten in the habit of eating anything you want, as much as you want, as often as you want, it is a lot of work and discipline to stick to normal amounts of healthy foods. But, as you see, it can be done.
What blows me away is that I understand what she's saying when she says she could eat and eat and eat, but when she put in real, genuine effort (for more than a couple of days, y'all) to cut way down on the food, the weight would not just melt off, but rather would leave rather slowly, like a sloth climbing a tree. Is it that our bodies are wondering if we're serious this time?
Here's another blog entry that knocked me out of my chair...THIS one I think you should read if you're struggling with staying on plan: http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2008/10/every-bite-counts.html Yikes! This lady could be a weight loss coach...that's some good stuff there.
ANY-way...I know cutting back the food CAN be done...what I'm wondering is why I don't consistently DO it. Why do I hate myself so much?
Monday, November 10, 2008
I made it through without getting sick, and those special events I was looking forward to did not disappoint! Daughter recovered quickly, though 12 out of 21 kids in her class were absent that day, each one throwing up with onset of symptoms all occurring within 2 hours of each other. I find that VERY odd...something in the classroom? No one else in our school got sick...
ANY-way, I suck right now as far as my eating goes. I've been super busy since mid October and I KNOW that's no excuse (I can hear Angie rolling her eyes and stomping her feet right now!)...I'm really upset with myself. I am not sure what has gotten into me since mid July when I totally fell off the wagon. It's been 4 months now. 4 months and 15 pounds, y'all. I'm back to feeling depressed, I'm back to FEELING the extra weight in my bones. My clothes, while still fitting, do not look good.
I had a moment in mid October during Shop-A-Palooza...my sister and I visit this cool clothing store in the bay area once a year...last year I weighed 15 pounds less...I KNOW this...but, do you know I walked out of that store with only ONE sweater that looked good, and I was mumbling to my sister: "jeez, they must be making their clothes in smaller sizes this year!" She just looked at me and didn't say a word...
Can you IMAGINE?! What a dork! They're not making their clothes smaller. I'm bigger.
Where to go from here? I need help. Seriously. Psychological help? Do I need to work one on one with nutritionist? WHY can't I seem to get this monkey called "food obsession" off my back? Even if I didn't really lose much more weight than where I was at my "lowest" (which was 176), I was IN CONTROL of my food, and I was happy. I am SO unhappy when I can't seem to control what/how I eat. All the promises I make myself about this being the LAST time I'm going to overeat. About how TOMORROW I will get back on track...it just makes me sick.
My biggest fear as I was losing weight consistently last year, was that I'd gain it all back. I've gained back 15 pounds. What's to keep me from gaining back the other 25?
I feel like I'm drowning. I need a life preserver.
I watched Sex and the City (movie) last night...while I've never really watched more than a few episodes on t.v., I wanted to see the movie, more as one of those things as a woman I felt compelled to do simply because I AM a woman...ANY-way, I didn't like it, BUT there was one part where Samantha (the self professed sex "addict") was gaining weight because she was starting to overeat because she was sexually bored and felt that she may cheat on her dude...so, overeating was her solution so she wouldn't cheat...(great grammar there)...but I started to wonder: am I overeating because of I'm sexually unfulfilled? Interesting idea...
On a more POSITIVE note, everything else is going great.
Hope everyone is enjoying this lovely fall~