Monday, November 10, 2008

Day 319...I suck...

I made it through without getting sick, and those special events I was looking forward to did not disappoint! Daughter recovered quickly, though 12 out of 21 kids in her class were absent that day, each one throwing up with onset of symptoms all occurring within 2 hours of each other. I find that VERY odd...something in the classroom? No one else in our school got sick...

ANY-way, I suck right now as far as my eating goes. I've been super busy since mid October and I KNOW that's no excuse (I can hear Angie rolling her eyes and stomping her feet right now!)...I'm really upset with myself. I am not sure what has gotten into me since mid July when I totally fell off the wagon. It's been 4 months now. 4 months and 15 pounds, y'all. I'm back to feeling depressed, I'm back to FEELING the extra weight in my bones. My clothes, while still fitting, do not look good.

I had a moment in mid October during sister and I visit this cool clothing store in the bay area once a year...last year I weighed 15 pounds less...I KNOW this...but, do you know I walked out of that store with only ONE sweater that looked good, and I was mumbling to my sister: "jeez, they must be making their clothes in smaller sizes this year!" She just looked at me and didn't say a word...

Can you IMAGINE?! What a dork! They're not making their clothes smaller. I'm bigger.

Where to go from here? I need help. Seriously. Psychological help? Do I need to work one on one with nutritionist? WHY can't I seem to get this monkey called "food obsession" off my back? Even if I didn't really lose much more weight than where I was at my "lowest" (which was 176), I was IN CONTROL of my food, and I was happy. I am SO unhappy when I can't seem to control what/how I eat. All the promises I make myself about this being the LAST time I'm going to overeat. About how TOMORROW I will get back on just makes me sick.

My biggest fear as I was losing weight consistently last year, was that I'd gain it all back. I've gained back 15 pounds. What's to keep me from gaining back the other 25?

I feel like I'm drowning. I need a life preserver.

I watched Sex and the City (movie) last night...while I've never really watched more than a few episodes on t.v., I wanted to see the movie, more as one of those things as a woman I felt compelled to do simply because I AM a woman...ANY-way, I didn't like it, BUT there was one part where Samantha (the self professed sex "addict") was gaining weight because she was starting to overeat because she was sexually bored and felt that she may cheat on her, overeating was her solution so she wouldn't cheat...(great grammar there)...but I started to wonder: am I overeating because of I'm sexually unfulfilled? Interesting idea...

On a more POSITIVE note, everything else is going great.

Hope everyone is enjoying this lovely fall~



1 comment:

Kim said...

2. You are not alone.
3. You need a life preserver - check, gotcha.
4. You can take the weight back off, and then some.
5. You are worth the effort it will take to make #4 happen.