Day 188...weight...183

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and encouragement last week. I did have a shitty week, and, well...I do hope this week will be better.

Ducks were relocated on Saturday. The drive (once you got OUT of our large, ugly, sprawling city) was beautiful. Acres and acres of empty land. Which was beautiful. But it also made me a bit sad. Why? I guess because the land isn't being loved. (Yes, I'm weird) No one lives on it to make it their own. No herds of animals graze on it...for THAT I was thrilled AND sad...let me explain: Thrilled because open land + herds of animals = slaughter , SO...if there's no animals out there, there's no slaughter. But then my less naive mind kicked in and said: Duh, FatMom, open land - grazing animals = animals stuffed into tiny cages who will STILL be slaughtered. (SAD) I'm way too sensitive, I know...

ANY-way, the drive was lovely. The lady's property is lovely. She has quite a number of all types of fowl in various set ups and "yards." She has some who have health issues or physical issues which precludes them from being re-introduced to the wild. She has others that she will send back out into the wild blue yonder. But she will NOT let my two "go." My ducks didn't know quite what to do when we got there. In fact, they were literally shaking with fear. They were panting with fear, as well. (Yes, ducks can pant) But we stayed for over an hour (I would have stayed longer, but had a commitment back in our beloved city at a particular time), and they relaxed. They kept coming up to me, though, with a look of : Mom! WTF?! Please hold me! So, I'd stroke their bills and tell them (and myself) it was going to be ok. There was one VERY large Mallard drake there who has a girlfriend, but who likes to check out the other ladies, and when he got too close to my girl, my male chased him away! Pushed up ON that boy! I was sooo proud of my boy defending his girl like that. I felt a lot better after that, knowing that they would work hard to defend themselves if necessary.

The lady is so nice. I'm totally going to be her in 25 years. Except I don't know that I could release any of them, but that's another story...good for her for being able to do that... She even called me Saturday night to tell me they ate with the rest of the group, and went into their hutch on their own at bed time. So that also relaxed me a bit.

I'm already planning a trip up there in mid July. It's all I can do to keep from calling every day to see how they are. Just trying to relax. But it's hard. I miss seeing their bright little faces. I took a billion pictures of them. I feel that a piece of my heart is missing.

Jeez, can you imagine how I'm going to be when my kids move out? I'm going to need to be sedated...

*sigh* In other news...I'll be heading back to the gym today. I've missed it. I've allowed so many other things in my life to take precedence over my exercise routine, and that's not good for me. I'm concerned about next school year (which starts in August)...I will be working full time, and I know myself...I can't "leave" my kids to go exercise. So, what to do, what to do... I want to get a treadmill for the house and cancel my gym membership. I've got weights here, and I also have a bike. So...all I need is the treadmill. Ha! I've tried convincing the husband we need a treadmill, and that is just not going anywhere. He wants one of those fancy flat screen t.v.'s, and I've said fine. So, why not a treadmill? Welcome to my life...

Thanks again, friends~

With love,

FatMom

Day 185...weight? 182

Today is June 27th. If I'd remained pregnant, today would have been my child's 15th birthday. I've never forgiven myself for this. Doubtful I ever will.

-FatMom

Day 184...Weight? Up...due to TTOM...

My weight is up, and my mood is slightly elevated, as well. I am trying so hard to find the positives in my ducks' relocation. I know all the reasons I'm crying are largely selfish. You may recall that the only thing I quietly boast about is the notion that I care for animals much better than most people. I'm sure this kind lady will care for them more than adequately. I'm sure they will enjoy the "friendships" they're sure to develop. They'll have a chance to engage in normal duck behavior, such as raising a family (I wouldn't be able to let them do that here).

But I'm a mother. I worry. What if the other ducks are mean to them? (I'm sure some of you are laughing out there right now, but I'm serious) What if they don't get enough to eat? They've never been around other ducks...what if they get sick? What if they get cold in the winter? This area an hour up the road can have dustings of snow. I suppose they'll all bundle together for warmth, and she can put them in a locked shed. I'm sure she'll take good care of them. But she's elderly. What if she gets sick and/or injured and can no longer care for them? I wrote out a lengthy note to her today describing the ducks' personalities, their likes/dislikes, and I gave her every phone number known to man as a way of contacting me should she have ANY problems. She has promised to never adopt them out, nor to separate them, and I reminded her of that gently in the note. I was concerned I'd be too emotional on Saturday to convey my thoughts coherently, so I wrote out the "duck bio."

Yes, I'm the queen of "What If's."

Hmmm...let's try to turn that around...

What if they're happy? What if they enjoy their new life? What if they live a long and beautiful life on their mini farm? What if they enjoy my visits but aren't devastated when I turn to leave? What if I realize this IS the best thing for them? (can you imagine how I'm going to be when my KIDS leave the nest?! Oh, lordy...)

Ok, ok...better...

In other news...things are crappy right now, all around, which is likely making the duck departure that much worse. Those ducks made me SO happy, and now...they're leaving. Gonna have to find something else that makes me deliciously happy...

For those of you out there that wonder: jeez, she's a mother, right? What about her own human kids? Yes, yes, yes, I ADORE my kids. They are the light of my life. They make my heart beat and my eyes open in the mornings. They keep me going when I'd rather just lay in bed under a pile of covers. They make me want to make the world a better place. They MAKE me make the world a better place.

But I know I can't pile my "happiness" on them. I can't have my personal "happiness" rely upon them, because that's just not fair. They are of me, but they do not "belong" to me. I can't live vicariously through them. I can only try to show them a better path. That's hard, though. Experience is a bitch of a teacher, because she gives you the test BEFORE the lesson. But I try. They know I love them, and to me...that's the most important thing. I never was sure if my mom loved me or not. I think she did. Just in a different way than I needed, I think. I always wanted my mom to love me no matter what. I always felt her "love" for me was conditional. I wasn't allowed to be ME.

Oh, my...I just realized something! THAT's likely at the root of my life long dysthymia...I never feel that I'm free to be ME. I always have to try to be someone else, or a version of what I really am. Not my true, authentic self. An edited version.

Hmmm...got to work on that.

Best,

FatMom

Day 183...182 pounds of weepy FatMom...

So, I found a duck sanctuary to take my beloved babies. It's an hour away. She rehabilitates ducks, and releases the ones that are "wild." The "domesticated ones" are found new homes. She keeps the ones too ill/old/injured to be adopted out. She has a pond. And an electric fence. 4 acres. She also has a shed she can lock them into at night for an extra measure of protection. She won't separate my two. She won't ever adopt them out. Says I can visit whenever I want.

But I'm still crying.

I'm trying to be positive. They'll have new friends. They'll have a real pond. They can raise a little family.

I know I'm just being selfish. I love them. I've never felt such unadulterated joy as I have with them. They always seem happy. They're always excited to see me. They don't want anything from me except a mud puddle. When I go out to the lawn to be with them, they'll curl up next to me and sleep while I read. Their chests pushed up against me...the softest thing you've ever felt outside of your own child's skin. The pure joy they exude when they swim around in their pool, splashing like a one year old baby in the sink...ahhhh, such happiness! And when they cock their heads to the sides to look at something...I'm telling you, you've never seen anything so adorable that didn't come from your own body.

Saturday morning...that's when they'll go. I sure hope whoever it was that called, is happy.

Blah,

FatMom

Day 182...183

FatMom friends...I am CRUSHED. Absolutely devastated. Soooo sad. You may recall that I acquired some duck eggs in March. Two hatched, and I decided to keep them, for a variety of reasons. Mostly because I was/am madly in love with those two little peepers. They can't fly. One can't quack. One has a bum foot. In other words, they're VERY little impact. The husband, as you may recall, HATES animals. He told me I had to get rid of them. I just about died, because he said I could keep them. Then, a couple of weeks after that, he changes his mind and says: ok, you can keep them. I was so thrilled! That all occurred about a month ago or so.

Yesterday, I get a letter from our esteemed city, saying I am in violation of zoning codes by keeping livestock in my yard. I have two weeks to remedy (get rid of) the situation.

I honestly didn't have any idea I was in violation of zoning codes. It wasn't like I was keeping 20 of them, and that they were flying into the neighbors yards, or quacking 24/7. They make FAR less noise than the dogs around here, that's for sure. What piece of crap neighbor would call? None of them ever so much as came over or shouted over the fence: Hey! Do you have ducks over there? NO one I spoke to about the ducks ever said: gee, are you sure you can keep them in the city? Yes, I understand it's ultimately MY responsibility to find out for sure, but, jeez...you'd think someone somewhere along the line would've mentioned it. Maybe the feed store people? Someone at school? The lady I got the eggs from? The wildlife people who fixed the one duck's foot? Someone???!!!

So, now I have to find them a new home. And I am heartbroken.

With deep sadness,

FatMom

Day 179...I'm BAAAACK! Weight? Holding steady...

Yipes, but it's been toooooooooooo long!! I've missed my online friends SOOO much!!! So many things have happened in the last month. I've been super busy...a few highlights:

1. Daughter enjoyed her class camping trip and didn't lose ONE tiny thing!

2. End of school came, and it all came out fine.

3. Birthday came and went with nary a blip on anyone's screen. Hmmm...

4. Graduation trip/vacation was ok. I felt sooo fat, though.

5. Continuing to work to get ready for next school year for a few more days. THEN, I'll relax for

about 5 weeks before I go back around August 1st to do a couple of more weeks of prep work.

6. Next year I'll have a child with Down syndrome, so I'm cramming to try to learn as much

about her and DS as I can!

7. I haven't done S&*# regarding exercise and weight loss since the beginning of MAY!!!!!

8. Daughter's neruopsych testing was...well, tough. She didn't/couldn't answer all the questions, so she just picked answers at random, which will more than likely produce an invalid test result due to her lack of participation. Grrr....

That's a quick synopsis of the good, the bad, the ugly and the indifferent.

On a related note, got some sucky news the other night... My FIL/MIL gave (yes, gave) me a nearly new van in December because, well, long story short...they were going to have to pay on a van that my SIL totaled, and they were so angry at her (for a LOT of reasons...all totally valid), that they didn't want her to have another vehicle that THEY were paying for. (They've purchased cars for both of my SIL's...they are losers! We've never asked for ANYthing from my in laws. Those two girls have sucked them DRY....they make their car payments, they help pay for their rent, they give them gas money at least once a week...we're talking about women who are in their mid thirties! I'm not joking here...)

ANY-way, in laws were going to have to continue to pay for a van whether they had one or not. So, they just picked up another van because it's better to pay for something someone can actually USE instead of paying for a "ghost" vehicle. They came over, unannounced, one night in December and just handed me the keys. No discussion before hand. Nothing. Just: Here...a gift! Well, you can imagine I was floored. I felt weird taking it, but knew that it was no skin of their nose...they were going to have to pay no matter what. So I was very grateful as my current van at the time was 11 years old and nearly on life support.

Well, fast forward 6 or so months, and my FIL has lost some accounts at his business. Guess what? FIL says: I can't pay for the van anymore. You're going to have to pay for it.

I'm upset. The reason WE didn't get a new vehicle was because we couldn't afford one. If we could have afforded one, we would have gotten one ourselves. So, HOW are we supposed to pay for this? $425/month? Yeah, right!

I never did get rid of my old van. It's still sitting in the driveway because I think I always knew in the back of my mind that this might happen. I just can't rely on others THAT much. Scares me. So, I have the very old (11 years old), ghetto van still. But it's going to die soon. It has 160,000 miles on it. Statistically it just can't last that much longer.

BUT, if we keep the new van and pay the $425/month for it, we can kiss the opportunity to order a pizza on Friday nights goodbye. And as far as taking off for a low budget weekend? Forget it. It will take everything we have to pay that. Do I really want that stress?

Grrr...but if I give it back to FIL and say: Here ya go! Thanks for the 6 months! won't I sound like a bitch? As in: Too bad for you! But then I think: hey, I had NO involvement in this vehicle purchase and NOW I'm responsible for something I never asked for in the first place! (BTW, the van is in FIL's name, not ours).

Ideas??

Latuh,

FatMom