Thursday, June 26, 2008

Day 184...Weight? Up...due to TTOM...

My weight is up, and my mood is slightly elevated, as well. I am trying so hard to find the positives in my ducks' relocation. I know all the reasons I'm crying are largely selfish. You may recall that the only thing I quietly boast about is the notion that I care for animals much better than most people. I'm sure this kind lady will care for them more than adequately. I'm sure they will enjoy the "friendships" they're sure to develop. They'll have a chance to engage in normal duck behavior, such as raising a family (I wouldn't be able to let them do that here).

But I'm a mother. I worry. What if the other ducks are mean to them? (I'm sure some of you are laughing out there right now, but I'm serious) What if they don't get enough to eat? They've never been around other ducks...what if they get sick? What if they get cold in the winter? This area an hour up the road can have dustings of snow. I suppose they'll all bundle together for warmth, and she can put them in a locked shed. I'm sure she'll take good care of them. But she's elderly. What if she gets sick and/or injured and can no longer care for them? I wrote out a lengthy note to her today describing the ducks' personalities, their likes/dislikes, and I gave her every phone number known to man as a way of contacting me should she have ANY problems. She has promised to never adopt them out, nor to separate them, and I reminded her of that gently in the note. I was concerned I'd be too emotional on Saturday to convey my thoughts coherently, so I wrote out the "duck bio."

Yes, I'm the queen of "What If's."

Hmmm...let's try to turn that around...

What if they're happy? What if they enjoy their new life? What if they live a long and beautiful life on their mini farm? What if they enjoy my visits but aren't devastated when I turn to leave? What if I realize this IS the best thing for them? (can you imagine how I'm going to be when my KIDS leave the nest?! Oh, lordy...)

Ok, ok...better...

In other news...things are crappy right now, all around, which is likely making the duck departure that much worse. Those ducks made me SO happy, and now...they're leaving. Gonna have to find something else that makes me deliciously happy...

For those of you out there that wonder: jeez, she's a mother, right? What about her own human kids? Yes, yes, yes, I ADORE my kids. They are the light of my life. They make my heart beat and my eyes open in the mornings. They keep me going when I'd rather just lay in bed under a pile of covers. They make me want to make the world a better place. They MAKE me make the world a better place.

But I know I can't pile my "happiness" on them. I can't have my personal "happiness" rely upon them, because that's just not fair. They are of me, but they do not "belong" to me. I can't live vicariously through them. I can only try to show them a better path. That's hard, though. Experience is a bitch of a teacher, because she gives you the test BEFORE the lesson. But I try. They know I love them, and to me...that's the most important thing. I never was sure if my mom loved me or not. I think she did. Just in a different way than I needed, I think. I always wanted my mom to love me no matter what. I always felt her "love" for me was conditional. I wasn't allowed to be ME.

Oh, my...I just realized something! THAT's likely at the root of my life long dysthymia...I never feel that I'm free to be ME. I always have to try to be someone else, or a version of what I really am. Not my true, authentic self. An edited version. to work on that.



1 comment:

Fatinah said...

this is off topic - but what happened with the van???? inquiring minds want to know!!

Oh, and I've been reading your blog long enough to know that you care for your kids....even more than the ducks!! I think it is good for kids to see a parent love something that isn't them. It is easier for them I think to recognize it when they aren't the focus. You know what I mean?? Or does that only make sense in my loopy head??