Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Day 223...Finally! 184...

Finally some movement on the scale. Jeez! It was not the best weekend food wise, though, I must say, it was quite delicious...and I think I was holding a lot of water yesterday. Good to see it took a hike.

I did two 20 minute sessions yesterday on the treadmill. I didn't want to come blasting back to cardio only to find myself in major pain, so I thought two 20 minute sessions would be nice. It was! Long enough to blast off 200 calories at a clip, so...400 calories yesterday. Makes up for my snack I had (soy/coconut milk "yogurt" and some Nature's Path cereal), which is so yummy, but...jeez, about 375 calories. Too many for a "snack," I'd say, but...I felt I needed some sugar in my system in the 60-90 minutes before I worked out (after a looooong day of working at school).

Watched a movie last night I'd recommend to anyone who has ever struggled with any kind of eating disorder (overeating, bulimia, anorexia...). It's a fictional story of two women who befriend each other (kind of); one is an overeater and one is anorexic. Being that I've been both of those women, I found it especially stirring. It's called DisFigured, and really, the thrust is on accepting yourself at the weight you're at right now, but also making efforts to change that fact if you're in a dysfunctional relationship with food. I guess emphasis on "health," would be a better thing to say? Good movie. Low budget movie, but good movie.

In the "bonus" section of the movie, there's a part where the writer (?) recommends a book, called "Rethinking Thin." I've already ordered it. I don't want to be fat anymore, but I don't want to be fat anymore for health reasons...well, that's 85% of the reason. The other 15% is because I wanna look hot! But, finally, the health reasons are larger (ha!) than the vanity reasons. It took me about 36 years to get there, but I finally got there.

Speaking of "hot..." So, I went out with the husband on Saturday night. I got all brave and wore a dress that shows a lot of boob, but in a rather tasteful way. The rest of the dress is flowy, though not "mumu-ish," so it's a nice balance. I kept the make up and jewelry to a minimum so that I didn't cross over into "floozy" category. Can I tell you, ladies, cleavage draws a lot of attention. We were in a very high end restaurant, so, it was subtle attention, but attention none the less. The husband asked at one point: "Does it flatter you, or does it make you feel uncomfortable when someone (guy) looks at your boobs?" I thought carefully for a moment... I said: "It doesn't really make me feel anything. It's human nature to look. I look, for heaven's sake, when there's a lot of cleavage...you can't HELP it...and I'm no where near lesbian...so, no...I don't know...it doesn't really mean anything to me." And I don't think it does. But, it's odd to have to come to terms with people LOOKING at you again.

Has anyone else had to work through that? I know you have, ladies... come on and share... how do you get completely comfortable with people looking at you again?

Ah, speaking of "looking..." I did something I thought I'd never do again...I bought a full length mirror. Unless you've ever been REALLY overweight, you may not get this concept. I had a hard enough time looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, let alone my WHOLE body. So, this is big (ha! I'm full of puns!).

Well, I'm arf to do a quickie 15-20 minute exercise session before showering and heading into school. I enjoy these leisurely days...I think I'll get to school about 9:30 or so. Ahhhh....




Kim said...

Good for you for getting your time in on the treadmill!! That's excellent - and a smart way to do it. :)

You asked me if I ever get "tired" of always having to think/worry about what I eat. I do. I hate it. But, for now at least, it is a simple fact of life. I can ignore it, but I'll just pile the weight on if I do. Sigh. It's a constant battle. Day to day, moment to moment. I wish I could say it was getting easier, but if anything I think it is getting harder. I feel like I have to work harder and harder to get each pound off. (and I'm still trying to get BACK down to my lowest weight for this year)

As for the newfound attention I get when I go out...it is strange to me. But it has been easier to cope with than back when I was single. Maybe that is because I'm older, or married and not looking for any attention. I don't know.

Keep up the great work - I am really proud of you!!

Chellie has Issues said...

I like it but I don't like it. It's flattering at first, but then for some reason I get suspicious...am I falling out...is something on my face...is my hair on fire? That book sounds exactly what I need. I am still that fat girl inside this new body. Sorry, I just found your blog through Kim's site and thought I'd chime in :).

Jill said...

HI! I can't remember how I found you blog, but I really enjoy your writing and I can totally relate to a lot of what you write about.
And I totally get the full-mirror thing! For a long time I had no idea how big my butt really was cuz there were no full length mirrors in my house!

I've lost 20 pounds in the last few months and although I dont really notice the attention, what I do notice is people telling me "wow you've lost A LOT of weight! I can really tell you've lost A LOT of weight!" Was I really that much of a cow?? I knew I was chubby, but c'mon people!! It's not like I was bed ridden or anything. Those are the comments that get under my skin.

Sorry for the long ramble! Just wanted to pop in and say hey! I'll continue to read your blog - you've got a good sense of humor! =)

Anonymous said...

Hi Fatmom! Hey, do you like that name, or what? I like using the person's name when I write but I really hesitate to use yours. But if you like it, that's okay.

Anyways, I really related to the no full length mirror deal. I didn't have one for YEARS. And even when I started losing and wanted to see how I looked in clothes, I would run outside and look at myself in the glass patio door. Now that I write that, how weird is that???

Sounds like you are doing great on your exercise routine!

Fatinah said...

I always wear low cut tops - I figure if they are looking at my boobs, they aren't looking at my ass!! HAHAHA