Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Day 196...181 pounds!


My July goal was to be 177 by July 20th. So, that's in about 11 days...I'm not sure I can lose 4 pounds in 11 days, and especially not right before Aunt Flo makes her monthly pilgrimage. BUT, I will persevere...and work hard...


Did not get to the gym today. I was bummed. And, the next few days are freakishly busy...I do believe I can make it tomorrow (Wed), (Th), but for sure not Fri/Sat. Jeez, did I tell you Saturday is my 20 year high school reunion? I really was waffling about whether or not I wanted to go. I've been wallowing in extreme self doubt the last few weeks, and...I just wasn't so sure I should go. I was 112 pounds when I graduated from high school. I'd recovered well from my bout with anorexia...physically at least. I recall feeling like a cow at 112 pounds (I'm 5'5"). I wouldn't let my boyfriend see me in a very demure 1 piece bathing suit. I wanted to lose 10 pounds. Funny how our minds never fully recover...it's a battle every day. Within a year of my high school graduation, I made the shift into overeating. And I more or less stayed in that realm for the next 15 or so years, with varying weights (when I'd gain too much, I'd go back to anorectic behavior, then, after I'd lose a lot of weight, I'd gain it all back and then some...) So was my pattern from about 19 to 24. At 24 I got pregnant with my son, and...well, for the first time in my life I was encouraged and expected to eat. So, I did. With great abandon. Two back to back pregnancies, a marriage that was/is in one state of failure or another, and too many nights of seeking solace in a bag or bowl, and the next thing I knew, I was 250, 26o pounds.


At my 10 year reunion, I was about 220 pounds. I was horrified to see the photos. So, based on how I looked 10 years ago, I look WAY better. But, still...I feel, not good enough. I've never felt "good enough." I grew up in one of the richest cities (town, really) in the world. I went to school with the children of MAJOR celebrities. Kids who had access to money and illicit items because their parents were too "busy" or stoned themselves to care. It was a screwed up childhood. In a way more screwed up because I was SOOOOOOOOOOO poor. My family literally lived in a shack. We had no heat, no air conditioning, holes in our roof where rain would drip in and collect in the multitude of buckets we'd place all around, half of our windows were broken out, no insurance (I didn't see a doctor until I was in my mid twenties...not even when I was so sick I was coughing up blood)...it would get so cold in our house you could see your breath as you were bathing. I'd have to wear two pairs of sweats, mittens and a hat to bed in the wintertime just to kind of stay warm. It was bad. And all the kids at school knew it. I was a leper. I did have some lovely friends, and I always had a boyfriend, so it wasn't all bad...but I have a lot of self doubt, and I wonder if it comes from that partly? This feeling of never being good enough; never doing enough; never being enough...


So, it's kind of hard to see these people who were not so kind to me. They weren't outright "mean," so that's good...but, they made sure to let you know you were not in the same class as they were. We had a very distinct and clear caste system.


But maybe I'm just narcissistic? I bought a new dress today just for the occasion. A size 14, y'all! And, it's not even the slightest bit tight! I think it's pretty cute. I hope I look ok. I hope no one notices me. Hmmm...yes, maybe THAT's what I'm hoping for. I wonder how many of these dudes are bald? Fat? Wrinkly? Hmmm... Well, maybe no one will even remember me... Nah, not likely...we only had 102 in our graduating class, and most of us had gone to school together since Kindergarten...


Narcissistically yours,

FatMom


2 comments:

Fatinah said...

I think you should go. So much in life isn't about how you look. You have lovely children to show off. If you're half as nice in person as you are on your blog, I'm sure all the other 101 people will be looking forward to catching up after another 10 years.
I was part of the "have not's" in high school. My one friend would would get dropped off at my apartment and run from the car crouched down in case there were any stray bullets!! Anyhow, my point is that at my 25th (I missed my 10th), I noticed that none of that mattered anymore...if you don't go, make a plan for a special night out so that you can wear that new dress. Any chance you'll post a picture???

the veggie paparazzo said...

That's a rough childhood to go through; of course it would affect you! You're not a narcissist at all. But remember that even many of the people who seemed to fit in then didn't feel like it inside, the worst of the people will have lived their whole lives being the kind of wretched person who would make others feel like an outcast, and you've come a long, long, long way!