Monday, July 7, 2008

Day 195...182, but ALMOST 181!

Quickie post today...meeting with daughter's neuropsychologist this morning to go over the 8 hours of testing she did with her last month...

Reading my cyber pal, FATINAH's, blog this morning, and...check out what she wrote: For almost 16 years I've been someone that wanted to lose weight. I don't know how to be someone who is happy with them self. Nothing like a little self-sabotage to fix that!

Whoa...that's awesome...reminds me of a line (paraphrasing) from one of my favorite movies (Closer):

Bawling boyfriend who's just lost girlfriend, to jerk who "stole her:" Let Anna be HAPPY. She wants to be HAPPY.

Jerk: No she doesn't. She's a depressive. Depressives don't want to be happy, because if they WERE actually happy, they wouldn't have anything to be depressed about.

Yeah...I agree with FATINAH...I've been so concerned about my weight for SO long, sometimes I just don't know how to handle going from super fat, to pretty chunky, to mighty chubby to decent. The more attention I get, the more I panic. Well, panic and elation mixed together. I want to be healthy (check). Now I have that. Now I want to be more attractive. Mmmm...getting there, and I'm not so sure I like it. I've forgotten how much attention one gets, and I'm feeling uncomfortable with it. Makes me feel vulnerable more than it makes me feel powerful. Scary. So, I make sure I don't REALLY get into the realm of "attractive." I'm only on the periphery. That seems safe. But I don't want to be SAFE. I want to live...

More later, friends~


1 comment:

Fatinah said...

sometimes I wonder if that is why statistically so many of us are doomed to regain our weight - because we don't know how to "live" on the other side...I hate people looking at me, and if they comment - while I'm happy to get the compliment, I really don't want attention...what tangled webs.....

Hope all goes well with doctor.....and that you get news you can put to good use (that doesn't just raise more questions..)