Thursday, March 27, 2008

Day 93...weight? The same...

I just read a comment on the ole bloggy here from my new cyber-pal, Tigerlilly. She was commenting on my whiny lament about the pictures that my father in law took on Easter and how I was finding it difficult to see the dramatic truth about how I look...anyhow, this lovely young lady told me she'd had cancer and still let herself "go," despite surgery, recovery and eventual remission (I'm paraphrasing here and hoping I have said details correct). THEN, she had a revelation about becoming healthy and hasn't looked back since.

After I read that, I sat there in stunned brain silence (not something that happens too often for ole FatMom). My first coherent thought after recovering my "voice?" That THAT is one tough cookie. My second thought? That I'm a whiny, lazy loser (and "loser" as in not in a good "loser" way). My third thought? What the *%#@ is WRONG with me? I have NO reason not to work as hard as I can and become as healthy as I can.

Oh, wait...I realized then that I DID have a reason...see, I realized that in order for my BODY to be healthy, my MIND has to be healthy. I've come a long way, though...I gained a lot of mental fitness while I lost a lot of weight. I've grown AS a person while I've lost a lot OF my person. But...I'm not totally healthy in the mind department with regards to my self-image. Better, yes, healthy as a person CAN be? No, not yet. I'm not sure one can have a healthy body without a healthy mind first, because you'll keep sabotaging yourself because you don't LIKE yourself (what a tangled web we weave...) I think THAT may be the reason I've stopped losing weight. I've been stuck in the high 170's for 5 months now. I realize I'm "stuck" because I've made sure to STAY "stuck."

See, stripping away the many layers of fat reveals the pain that layered on the fat in the first place. If fat really is a protective layer in the metaphorical sense, then taking it away means that I will be vulnerable. That my LIFE will become vulnerable. And it HAS become vulnerable. I'm on the verge of possible family break up because I couldn't breathe anymore. I couldn't BREATHE, so I had to open my mouth. Except NOW, instead of putting FOOD in my mouth, I let WORDS come OUT of my mouth. True words, changing words.

I got fat because I was in a lot of pain. The fat masked much of that pain. Once I started peeling away the layers, I realized how much pain I was in and didn't think I could continue living that way any longer. So, I spoke. Oops...scary stuff happens when I speak and let my TRUE feelings come to the surface. Now my words are punishing me, in effect. Of course, then, my natural inclination is to eat to "stop" the words. Which is what I've been doing the last 5 months. Eating just enough to keep me stuck so that I don't peel away more layers. Eating just enough so that my pain is not INCREASED. Eating just enough so that I have time to acclimate to this new way of living.

I got some books by Ronda Brittan (sp??) called the "Fearless Living" series. I've just started it, but, her premise is that we're held back by FEAR. I don't want to be held back anymore, and this gal may be just the person to help me deal with my fear. She had a major, traumatic, forever-life-altering experience when she was a teen, and I figure...jeez, if she can overcome THAT, then surely I can overcome my garden variety fears, right?


Onward, my friends~


P.S.: A quickie cyber "high five" for my pal Kim! She has come SO far and I'm so proud of her! I've "watched" her pummel her scale with sheer determination and I'm so thrilled...a wee bit jealous, but...jealous in a good way. GOOOOOOOOOOOO, Kim!!!


Tigerlilly said...

A Mind Block... thats what I call it. When things in my head are keeping me from doing what I know I should be doing. Fear is a biggy.

My fear? That I will reach my goal weight. Oh yes, you read that right. You see, I am scared that once I reach goal I will lose focus. I will have nothing to reach for. No goal to keep me going. I fight that fear (in my head and in my body) everyday. I am better with it now because I have decided that once I reach my goal weight I am going to become a personal trainer and help other reach their goals!

My fear still comes back to haunt me every once in a while but you just have to keep fighting it.

Those books sound terrific and I hope you keep us updated on how you are doing!

I am honored?? that my story made you think about what you were doing. Hopefully you will have your own inspirational story to share soon!

Kim said...

Awww shucks FM... You are such a sweet friend. Here I go gaining almost 5 pounds and you give me a shout out and a high five. You are too sweet for words!