Day 246...186 lbs.

I went back to exercising today. It felt good! I've finally stopped bleeding (mostly). What a weird thing...

What else...OH! I cut my hair last night...well, I didn't cut it...my stylist did...ANY-way...I told him I was in the mood for something different...now, I trust him implicitly, so I wasn't worried. But WHOA...different is right! My hair is now as short as a boy's in the back, with some longer layers in the front. Kind of like a Katie-with-the-new-haircut-Holmes + Jackie O. And it's dark...no more highlights. People like it, though I had one 4th grader tell me today: Ewww...I don't like it! But everyone else was positive. So, we'll see if it's a keeper. I've never had hair this short before. I think I'll need to remember to wear sun screen on the back of my neck!

Not much goin' on...3 day weekend sounds nice. We'll be visiting friends out of town tomorrow. They had a baby 4.5 months ago, so I can't wait to meet her! Miss Squeaky is her nickname! How cute is that?!

Sorry for the blah-blah-blah post. But I'm kind of happy for the last few (mundane) days.

Happy Labor Day Weekend, Folks~

FatMom

Day 243...didn't weigh...

I'm tired. Freaking tired. I really miss exercising...I think I'll get back on track again tomorrow despite the continued bleeding, which has lightened up a wee bit. I've been oddly hungry the last few days, which seems contradictory to my not exercising. *sigh* Well, maybe it's stress.

I was cleaning out my personal junk drawer the other day in my nightstand. You'll never guess what I found...well, maybe you might if you're a fatty like me...one who keeps obsessive lists on weights and measurements. Every once in a while I'll find an old "list" and marvel over how I have had to work so hard just to lose these 30-40 pounds. So, I found a note where I'd written that on a particular day, I weighed 239 pounds. Wow... I'm sure I was likely even heavier than that at some point, but I'd stopped weighing myself. Can you believe it? 239 pounds?! Even more shocking? At about the same time in history, I found cards from my husband which said how much he loved me. So weird... I can't fathom the idea that someone could love me for reasons besides how I look. I know I'm 38...I'm just NOW getting to the point where I can believe that. All my life I was only appreciated for how I looked. Then I got REALLY fat. And no one appreciated my any more. I was literally invisible. I had to "re-invent" myself. I had to let the "real me" come out. It's been nice. But, man...can you believe that? I was probably around 250 pounds at my heaviest. I'm 5'4." Crazy...

Gak... I just want to crawl into bed with my kidlets and cuddle. Smell their hair, touch their soft skin, and let my body melt into theirs.

Enjoy yourselves,

FatMom

Day 242...I don't know my exact weight...

WARNING: GRAPHIC POST!

Ok, so something is going on with me health wise. I've noticed for the last year that whenever my cervix gets "bumped" (you can imagine how), it bleeds just a wee bit. Not a lot, just a wee bit. Nothing that has concerned me. So, on Thursday, I went in for my (kind of) annual Pap test. My doctor says: So, are you on your period? No, I answer. Why? Well, she says, I just barely tapped your cervix and a wall of blood came gushing out. I don't know that the test will be able to be read it's so bloody. (I'm still thinking: oh, well, probably just a bit of blood.) She says my cervix is "friable" (read: sensitive). Still not worried. Well, why could it be that way, I ask? Well, she says, could be anything from my thyroid being out of whack (it's not) to infection (read: STD), to cancer. Holy shit... I'll take the thyroid. The other two? I'll leave those at the door.

She tells me if the techs can't read the test, it'll be about 3 weeks. If they CAN read the test, it'll be about 6 weeks. Why so long, I ask? Seems there's 62 gyns in the system, and they each do about 30 Paps a day; you do the math, she says. Then she gives me a pad. Well, y'all, not to be tooooo graphic, I went to the appointment in a dress, sans undies due to the heat. I was to embarrassed to tell her that. So, after she left the room, I made a hillbilly tampon out of medical grade paper towel material. I get home, get busy with chores, and about a half hour later (now about an hour after the appointment), I feel something. Yup, blood. Running down my legs. I go in the bathroom to remove said hillbilly "tampon" and just about hit the floor. Blood? Oh, no...this is like something out of CSI. And clots? Walnut sized. I have NEVER, NEVER bled like this before. After having my kids, yes, but any other time? Nooooo...

I call the advice nurse. She says she can't tell me anything because I haven't had a pad on. Seems that if I put on a pad and go through 4 (yes, four!) overnight pads in an HOUR then I should be worried. Until then, nah... Ummm...here's my deal: This is not normal for ME. Perhaps for someone else who is a heavy bleeder, yes. For me? No way.

Long story short...I've been bleeding on and off since Thursday. Enough to have to "wear" something. WTF? Anyone else have something like this happen? Why am I the only one concerned?

ALSO, I got some bad news about my classroom on Friday. LOOOONG story short: I am to be removed from my classroom until January (!!!), and "float" as a support to four (4!!!) other classes due to a mistake someone made in administration. I'll get to come back to my class in January. Gee, thanks. In the meantime, I will miss my "kids" something fierce! And my DS girl? Oh...I'm so sad... It has taken me this long (summer/first two weeks of school) to develop a good relationship with her...and now? I'll be "gone" from her for 4 months. In 4 days she won't have anything to do with me. 4 months?! Remember her intellect is similar to a preschooler...she needs me there every day for us to have a bonded relationship. When I come back in January she'll likely be hostile towards me. Sad, sad, sad. I'm so sad. All that hard work down the drain.

SOOOOOOOOO, I'm feeling a little crapped out. Worried about my health. Worried about my "kids." Just a little worried in general.

Kisses,

FatMom

Day 239...185ish

I've had a crappy last 24 hours. Not food wise... but crappy nonetheless.

I'm wallowing in self pity right now... but I will NOT give in to food. Nope.

Toodles,

FatMom

Day 237...185

Feeling really hungry this afternoon. I think it may be because I didn't drink enough water today. That could explain the small headache I'm dealing with, as well.

Nothing really new...things are going well...I've tracked my food now for 3 days. Going over my calorie count slightly each day...THAT could explain why I can't lose much weight on a permanent basis...I've been over about 100 calories each day. Grrr...so close, and yet...

Well, I'll get into the groove of things. Can't expect perfection right out of the gate, I suppose.

Back To School Night tonight...I hate these things...

Toodles,

FatMom

Day 235...Phew...187...

What is going ON with me?! I've gained 10 pounds in a month. How do I DO that? I mean, seriously? HOW can that happen? I've been super active, eating more than usual, but not totally out of control...HOW can I gain 10 pounds? If you've been reading this blog for more than a month or so, you'll realize that I CAN gain 10 pounds in a month, and I do...too often. And yet I am still completely taken by surprise when it happens. Sometimes I wonder if I will EVER get below the high 170's.

But you know what? I feel good. Not as good as I feel 10 pounds lighter, but I feel good. I think it's because I've kept my exercise up.

Still, little things happen when I get this heavy. My feet start to hurt a bit. My feet and hands stay perpetually swollen just a bit. There's a fullness to my face that's not completely pleasant. I find it harder to get up off the floor after working with a student. My thighs rub together. Oh, wait! They rub together no matter what...

Back to planning my meals and snacks again. That's the only thing that works, and yet I rebel against it with all my heart. I HATE writing down everything. I hate planning like that. I feel so stifled. So dominated. So completely without any spontaneity. Blech. But, do it I will...at least for a little while. Then I'll stop. And gain back the 10 pounds I lost. Jeez, do I need therapy? Seriously...Has anyone else gotten over this psychological hump? Do tell...

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad FATINAH is back! I missed her so much...where did she go? I'll have to read all about it...didn't know she left...did I miss something in her blog?

Enjoy,

FatMom

Day 231...around 185, I think...

So, school started on Wednesday. It's been great so far, though I imagine that's because of two distinct reasons:

1. We haven't done anything remotely academic

2. The kids are exhausted because no doubt they all continued to stay up until midnight the night before school started

Nah...it's gonna be a great year! What a cool group of kids this year...Really super excited about it!

On the exercise front, all continues to go well. I'm still trying to map out exactly how long it takes me to get out of bed, make 3 lunches, exercise, shower, get two kids up and showered, get dressed, do hair/make up, eat AND get to school by 8. Me thinks 5:45 a.m. is what it's going to take. Jeez, that's akin to the middle of the night for me. But that's how much I enjoy my exercise, folks!

Going to meet coworkers out tomorrow afternoon after school for a celebration...a "we made it through hell week," type of thing. I don't normally drink, and when I do, it's a VERY small glass of wine. I may just indulge in two (!!!) drinks tomorrow. Been tough getting ready... And HOT?! OMG, it has been a decent summer weather wise, until the first day of school. THEN, someone turned on the heater full blast. Yikes...as a fatty, I hate hot weather. I love wearing dresses and skirts, but in the heat? Man, my thighs are a damp, sticky mess by lunchtime, and by the end of the day, likely marred by red bumps which are painful due to excess fat rubbing together. A regular swamp-o-rama down there...Blech... THERE's a great reason to lose fat from the thighs. Lipo sounds pretty good about now...

Hope everyone is enjoying these dog days of summer. I miss my friend FATINAH...I'm really starting to get concerned. She hasn't posted to her blog for over 2 weeks now, and that's just not like her. Has anyone heard from her? FatMom is worried...and when FatMom is worried, FatMom eats...we don't want that, now do we? Ok, FATINAH...come out, come out wherever you are...

Best to all,

FatMom