So, I had a tough day. No particular reason, just...feeling as if it were a tough day. I don't have PMS. I have no idea what's up. No, wait...I do...I need to stop lying about my feelings. But I lie because I don't want people to think I'm a jerk. Or that I'm self-important. Or, WHATEVER...
But I know I can be 100% honest here...
The truth is, I have a problem with self esteem. A big problem. I constantly think that if people are not falling all over me, they must dislike me. If people are not stopping to chat, they must be mad at me for something (what, I cannot fathom, truly...). If men are not flirting with me, I must be ugly. If my students at school are having a tough day, it must be my fault.
Child of alcoholics syndrome? I don't know... What I DO know, is that I HATE that about myself. The need for constant reassurance that I'm needed and appreciated. Not necessarily LOVED, but I have this near panic-stricken need to be NEEDED and appreciated. I have a hard time feeling important, and I guess that's how I can feel important. Jeez, I'm also a crazy people pleaser.
I eat for many reasons, and that is one of them. To fill up a hole inside of me. It certainly doesn't work. It just makes the hole larger. More dangerous and dark. This is largely why I have a weight problem. That's certainly how I GOT fat in the first place. Trying to fill up the hole; trying to quiet the panic. Doubtful anyone ever found the the way out of that hole in the bottom of a bag of chips, however.
*sigh* Still, I've been on track the last few days...things are fine. Just crabby today...I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow.
Kisses,
FatMom
3 comments:
Well, I could have written this exact post. This sounds like me, the real me that I try to hide from everyone but it's blatantly obvious. I'm always worried that people are mad at me or that they don't like me or that I'm ugly if men don't flirt with me. And people pleaser, that's my middle name.
I didn't have alcoholic parents. I had very loving, wonderful parents that worshiped the very ground I walked on. So what's my problem? I don't know. Wish I did. If you figure it out, would you let me know.
Like you, this is probably why I let myself get so fat. Since I always think no one loves me, I love myself be overeating, which creates that vicious cycle of hating myself even more.
I have many days like you had today. I hope tomorrow is better for you. :)
self discovery is a long and twisted road, isn't it?
Hey M,
I'm sorry that you are feeling so yucky. I can sure relate. We are alike in many ways. Do what you can to focus on being happy for you, not as the reward of the attention of someone else.
You deserve to be happy girlie. Believe me. :)
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