FatMom Is A Loser

Day 329...

2008-11-20T16:47:00.001-08:00

Ok, so I had this nightmare...It was that I had eaten my way back up to 200 pounds.

Then, I realized I was AWAKE and this was a nightmare in the truest sense of the word.

Seriously, is there something WRONG with my brain?

*sigh*
FatMom

Day 320...

2008-11-11T09:47:00.000-08:00

Gosh, I love having a few days off to just get some projects done I've been putting off as well as having some leisure time...I cleaned out the garage yesterday (now the ole mama van is STUFFED full of things for the local thrift store), AND I was able to watch the first season of Mad Men (the jury is still out on whether or not the show is as amazing as people have said...it's GOOD, I think, but...I'm feeling a little unfulfilled...) AND I was able to catch up on a lot of blogs as well as find new ones. Example (a la Pulp Fiction):

This outrageously amazing lady, who is smart, funny, tough and downright scary honest from the tip of her inspirational head down to the the tip of her awesome big toe nail: http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2008/11/how-can-anyone-eat-that-much.html

Check out THAT entry listed above!! "How can anyone eat that much" blog could've been written by me and many others I know...HOW is it that we can eat astronomical amounts of food and not feel sick, and not even feel overly full? Weird... I feel like a medical experiment sometimes when I binge. It just seems impossible. I know you're all super busy, so I'll put in a paragraph that made me shake my head in agreement:

On a big binge day I know I have eaten around 8000 calories before. You would think that once I stopped eating like that, the weight would just FALL off me, but it doesn't. That's what has made this hard for me (mentally): I can eat an awful lot of food when I am not losing weight, but once I cut back, it comes off slowly. When you have gotten in the habit of eating anything you want, as much as you want, as often as you want, it is a lot of work and discipline to stick to normal amounts of healthy foods. But, as you see, it can be done.

What blows me away is that I understand what she's saying when she says she could eat and eat and eat, but when she put in real, genuine effort (for more than a couple of days, y'all) to cut way down on the food, the weight would not just melt off, but rather would leave rather slowly, like a sloth climbing a tree. Is it that our bodies are wondering if we're serious this time?

Here's another blog entry that knocked me out of my chair...THIS one I think you should read if you're struggling with staying on plan: http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/2008/10/every-bite-counts.html Yikes! This lady could be a weight loss coach...that's some good stuff there.

ANY-way...I know cutting back the food CAN be done...what I'm wondering is why I don't consistently DO it. Why do I hate myself so much?

TTFN,

FatMom

Day 319...I suck...

2008-11-10T11:28:00.000-08:00

I made it through without getting sick, and those special events I was looking forward to did not disappoint! Daughter recovered quickly, though 12 out of 21 kids in her class were absent that day, each one throwing up with onset of symptoms all occurring within 2 hours of each other. I find that VERY odd...something in the classroom? No one else in our school got sick...

ANY-way, I suck right now as far as my eating goes. I've been super busy since mid October and I KNOW that's no excuse (I can hear Angie rolling her eyes and stomping her feet right now!)...I'm really upset with myself. I am not sure what has gotten into me since mid July when I totally fell off the wagon. It's been 4 months now. 4 months and 15 pounds, y'all. I'm back to feeling depressed, I'm back to FEELING the extra weight in my bones. My clothes, while still fitting, do not look good.

I had a moment in mid October during Shop-A-Palooza...my sister and I visit this cool clothing store in the bay area once a year...last year I weighed 15 pounds less...I KNOW this...but, do you know I walked out of that store with only ONE sweater that looked good, and I was mumbling to my sister: "jeez, they must be making their clothes in smaller sizes this year!" She just looked at me and didn't say a word...

Can you IMAGINE?! What a dork! They're not making their clothes smaller. I'm bigger.

Where to go from here? I need help. Seriously. Psychological help? Do I need to work one on one with nutritionist? WHY can't I seem to get this monkey called "food obsession" off my back? Even if I didn't really lose much more weight than where I was at my "lowest" (which was 176), I was IN CONTROL of my food, and I was happy. I am SO unhappy when I can't seem to control what/how I eat. All the promises I make myself about this being the LAST time I'm going to overeat. About how TOMORROW I will get back on track...it just makes me sick.

My biggest fear as I was losing weight consistently last year, was that I'd gain it all back. I've gained back 15 pounds. What's to keep me from gaining back the other 25?

I feel like I'm drowning. I need a life preserver.

I watched Sex and the City (movie) last night...while I've never really watched more than a few episodes on t.v., I wanted to see the movie, more as one of those things as a woman I felt compelled to do simply because I AM a woman...ANY-way, I didn't like it, BUT there was one part where Samantha (the self professed sex "addict") was gaining weight because she was starting to overeat because she was sexually bored and felt that she may cheat on her dude...so, overeating was her solution so she wouldn't cheat...(great grammar there)...but I started to wonder: am I overeating because of I'm sexually unfulfilled? Interesting idea...

On a more POSITIVE note, everything else is going great.

Hope everyone is enjoying this lovely fall~

Toodles,

FatMom

Day 307...192!

2008-10-29T09:47:00.001-07:00

Well, blogging friends...here I am at home today. Daughter is sick. Barfing. Why, oh, why does this have to happen NOW?! My sweet baby has been throwing up all morning; poor muffin! But...could the timing BE any worse?! I think not... The next 5 days are full of things I've been waiting MONTHS, and in some cases, YEARS to do, and...if I'm sick...crapola, I'm gonna be sad, sad, sad! Please think VERY happy, VERY kick-ass immune system thoughts for me!

TTFN,

FatMom

Day 306

2008-10-28T16:22:00.000-07:00

To my dear husband:

Please stop reading my blog. You said you wouldn't...but you are. I'm not stupid. Please stop now.

Love,

FatMom

Day 304...don't know how much I weigh...

2008-10-26T10:09:00.001-07:00

My cat is HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He returned on Wednesday evening...divine intervention, I'm tellin' ya! I am sooooooo happy!! Took that little bugger to get microchipped yesterday. Also walked around the ole 'hood here and put up some "he's back!" posters, thanking all of our neighbors for their lovely outpouring of kindness, concern and assistance. I'm thinking someone had him in their house, as he didn't stink at all, and certainly didn't seem as if he'd been living outside for days. I'll bet they saw our pathetic posters, or got tired of hearing me calling: "here, kitty, kitty...Swanky...come here, kitty..." (followed by wails and choking fits) from dawn until bedtime.

ANY-way, my boy is back, and I'm so happy.

I DID figure out a few things:

1. I live in the whitest neighborhood known to man

2. My neighbors are really kind

3. I'm a stress eater

SO, long story short...life is just about back to normal, and I'll get back on track here shortly.

Lots o' love,

FatMom

Day 299...don't care how much I weigh...

2008-10-21T16:33:00.000-07:00

Friends, tragedy has struck the house of FatMom. I went away for the weekend (Shop-A-Palooza) which was A.W.E.S.O.M.E.!! BUT, when I got home on Sunday, I said to the husband: Where's my cat?

My cat is missing.

He is a STRICTLY indoor pet. Never been outside in his 2.5 years. And now he's missing. I am heartbroken. Sooooooooo sad. I call him and call him and call him. Nothing. If you "know" me at all, you know that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my animals. I am crushed.

That's a photo of him at top...please think positive thoughts for his safe and timely return.

Yours,

FatMom

Day 295...feelin' frisky!

2008-10-17T08:55:00.000-07:00

In our continuing theme of reading new blogs, here's an article you might enjoy discussing how to get the sugar out of your diet, but...actually, it goes a little deeper than that...interesting read (and quick): http://zenhabits.net/2008/10/beat-the-sugar-habit-3-steps-to-cut-sweets-mostly-out-of-your-life/#more-1409

What else? I was having trouble falling asleep last night, and I started making weird lists in my head about random things, though I think you'll see a theme here...care to learn more? I'll start off in a rather tame fashion, then...well, things may get a little naughty...

1. I'm a Gemini, but not the "traditional" Gem...I LOVES me some gossip, but I would rather cut off my pinkie than repeat any of it. You could leave a suitcase full of cash on the table...open, with a "take me" sign, and I wouldn't dare touch it. Shallow? Not terribly so.

2. I'm a vegan. Through and through. Will I try and bring YOU over to the dark side? Nah... but I may make snarky comments about what you're eating and what you're doing to the environment, etc... but only if I LOVE you...

3. I love watching movies, though I tend to be super busy and end up NetFlixing movies people have probably watched 6 months ago. I just watched Forgetting Sarah Marshall (not bad...I loves me some Russell Brand! Booooo-YEAH!), and Lars and the Real Girl (I cried like a baby).

4. I love to read. Anything. If I feel it may improve my life even just a fraction of a hair, I read it. Sometimes, though, I need a Jackie Collins type of read, which I'll sneak...

5. I LOVE foul language! You know how some people can cuss and sound cool? Yeah... I'm not quite there yet, but I'm practicing. I wonder if Rosetta Stone makes a "Cussing to sound cool 101" program? Nearly EVERY song on my iPod has foul language, strong sexual overtones, etc...I wonder if I'm attracted to it because it's my closet alter ego?

6. Speaking of music...I LOVE music! I go to concerts on a regular basis. I love everything from Jason Mraz (he's my boy) to Nine Inch Nails...speaking OF...going to a Mraz concert in November and a NIN concert in December. Taking my wee boy to the NIN concert and my wee girl to the Mraz one. There is NOTHING in the world like being in an arena with 20,000 other fans screaming for the same thing. The energy blows my mind!

7. I only have my ears pierced, though I wish I were brave enough to get my nose pierced with a tasteful stud (and I don't mean Brad Pitt). I think my principal may have an issue with that.

8. I don't have any tattoos, and I don't expect to ever get any. I can't stand things that are permanent.

9. Boys I'd like to have as my brother or best friend (NOTHING sexual): Jason Mraz, Brad Pitt, Jason Segel, Michael Cera, Sean Hayes (guess I like boys who are sweet and smart, and who try to do good out there)

10. Boys I'd spend the night with if they asked (yes, sexual): Craig Ferguson, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Richard Gere (I know, I know...)Javier Bardem, Russell Brand, Clive Owen, Jude Law...(guess I've got a thing for accents...yes, I do)

11. Boys I 'd spend a loooooong weekend with (you know what we're doing): Olivier Martinez, Joaquin Phoenix and Dave Gahan. Heavy on the accents. Dark hair. Oooozing hotness from every pore...yikes!

12. Girls I'd eat guacamole off of: Natalie Portman and Dianne Lane. Short list.

13. Boys a lot of other people think are hot which I find odd: Justin Timberlake, Chase Crawford (why is my gay-dar tingling?), George Clooney, Tom Cruise, Leo deCaprio...really, I could go on...

14. Odd crushes I have, in a slightly sick sexual way, though I'd never act on them, but might dream about them: Daniel Radcliffe (he's legal now), Alan Rickman (mmmm....), Geoffrey Rush (love this guy), James Spader, Robert Downey, Jr., Kevin Spacey, Jeremy Irons.

15. Things I can't stand: dirty feet, dry hands, odd smells which I can't identify/locate, flys buzzing around my house, people who don't get to the POINT quickly, people with terrible spelling/grammar, petty fights, weather that stays exactly the SAME for more than a few days, a stinky house, dishes left in the sink, dogs licking themselves silly (it's the noise), people who live above their means, then complain about how hard/stressful it is, dirty showers, having to unload the dishwasher, making lunches X4 every day, though ONE of us could make their own damn lunch...

16. Things I love (besides the obvious): a clean car, an empty trash can, folded underwear, reading in bed, a big ole hot breakfast the hopefully someone else made, having friends over for dinner and too much wine, cuddling with the kidlets, visiting rescued farm animals, bookstores, lots of blankets piled on top of me, smelling so good I can't stop sniffing myself, rain falling, waking up thinking it's Monday, when it's really Sunday, working up a good sweat, picnics, a movie that makes me think about it for days afterwards, flirting in a most harmless way, being with my friends...

17. Things I would NEVER do, even if Joaquin Phoenix, Dave Gahan AND Olivier Martinez said they'd engage in a menage a quatre with me...: skydive, bungee jump, kill anything (besides a fly...ohhhhh, I'm baaaaad), lie about something uber important, steal anything, cheat on my spouse, abandon my kids, wear fur.

18. Things on my someday list: swim with the dolphins, learn how to play piano, visit the UK.

19. Places I'd like to visit: Canada, east coast, Hawai'i (all within my reach)

20. Thing I'd like to stop doing the most: denying my true self

Now, do you wonder what I look like? I always wonder what people look like...that way I can imagine them whilst reading their blogs...ANY-way, here's a recent picture (I still need to lose 40 more pounds...)...you can click on the photo to enlarge it, since I'm a technical dork and don't know how to enlarge it without distorting it... not the first picture, but the one near the bottom of that post, though I do love the first picture... http://fatmomisaloser.blogspot.com/2008/07/day-203weighing-in-more-towards-end-of.html

Thanks for taking this interesting little journey with me...no worries...I go back to work next week, so I won't be as long-winded!

Enjoy,

FatMom

Two posts in ONE day?!

2008-10-16T10:57:00.001-07:00

So, I was just wasting a little time on the computer, and decided to head over to msn.com ...

I am not up on all the "news" sites/channels, but, I was shocked. Mostly, I like to live in a world where I pretend terrible things aren't happening, and, in general, it works. I'm not naive, per se, but I just don't want to have my face shoved into the messes of mankind. ANY-way, I was at msn and they have a rather small page, packed with "news" stories. I found ONE real news story, and the rest was about celebrities and fashion? But what got me was that there were not less than 5 links to stories about womens' looks/food/dieting.

Here's a sample:

1. Should obese airplane passengers pay more?

2. Chocoholics: What's your chocolate IQ?

3. Women: diet plan to keep you looking young

4. Flattering plus sized styles (trust me, they're not, I looked; oh, and if those models are plus sized, I'm Henry VIII)

5. Guaranteed: lose 30 pounds--no dieting! (now this one is an ad, but, still...)

Sometimes I wonder: if we just stopped obsessing with how we look, maybe we'd end up sliding into the size we're supposed to be, rather than being too big, or, even too small. AND, no wonder women feel so terribly about themselves.

In closing, here's an interesting article from Prevention: http://health.msn.com/womens-health/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100216496&imageindex=1 which discusses how long you'll live (kind of). If those 13 markers REALLY mean anything, I've got 12/13, and therefore should live to a very ripe old age...couldn't give myself #13 on their list...still workin' on THAT one!

Cheers,

FatMom

Day 294...relaxed...

2008-10-16T09:24:00.000-07:00

I had a busy day yesterday...doing what, I'm not completely sure, but I was busy, I know that. I have a tendency of staying too busy during short vacations, and I never hit the "*sigh* I'm bored" feeling. I WANT to hit that feeling, and it just isn't gonna happen this vacay. Maybe over Thanksgiving week next month. Yeah...

Still having SO much fun reading new blogs, and enjoying them SO much! Here's a couple of more you might enjoy as well:

1. This lovely lady is a crack up, but deadly serious about weight loss/maintenance at the same time. She's clever and her hair is awesome...check out her post from 10/15, entitled: "I don't have a weight problem" http://msbitchcakes.blogspot.com/

2. A thought provoking article... http://www.backinskinnyjeans.com/ from this blog in which the discussion is: what would you do if you found out your trainer/health professional had an eating disorder?

Hmmm...that discussion from #2 made me think: if I were getting good results (and the author was), would I be a strong enough person to distance myself from someone who was NOT living a healthy lifestyle? Now, not to give away the ending, the author stood by her trainer as the trainer worked through her bulimia...was she ever "cured?" Doubtful anyone ever is...bulimia seems to be the most difficult disorder to overcome...but one can manage it...but, wow, if I were getting fab results and the person who was helping me get there was self destructive (yet wasn't heaping it on ME), would I kick them to the curb? No...I would gently offer my support in her turning around her lifestyle. Gawd, do I suck, or what?!

I've been overweight many years of my life. The years from 1995 to 2007 were the worst. I probably weighed in the neighborhood of 250 for a year or two, and 220-ish for most of the rest of those years. I'm 5'4" on a tall day, and I wouldn't say I'm "big boned!" I only had ONE person ever say anything to me about my weight all of those years. (Nope, the ONE person wasn't a DOCTOR, either!) I had many "subtle" messages from family and friends, but no one ever said to me: FatMom, you're going to kill yourself!

Growing up, I was chubby...not grossly overweight, but "sturdy." My family gave me shit nearly every day of my growing up years for it. My mom was 102 pounds on a fat day, and clocked in at a hefty 120 when 9 months pregnant at 35 years old. Weight was very important to my mom, and yet it appeared she was blessed with a flea's metabolism. She ATE! I, on the other hand, ate as well, and it stuck to me like bark on a tree. So, I became anorexic. My family LOVED how I looked. (Finally...) Of course all that positive feedback did was reinforce the obsessive need to NOT eat. I became extremely underweight (80 pounds), and FINALLY they became alarmed. All of their shouting and negative comments did was FURTHER reinforce my desire to not eat.

I ended up recovering, at least outwardly, in that I started to eat again, and hovered around 110 pounds for the rest of my late teens/early 20's. But the anorexia was ingrained deeply inside of me. Or, rather, the whole "eating disorder" thing was now a part of every cell in my abused body. When I got pregnant with my son in 1994, both of my parents were dead. My mom had died the month before, and I was sad. I started to eat again...a lot. Between my sadness, my out of control feelings and now a new pregnancy, I ate and ate and ate. I gained 55 pounds with my son. He barely weighed 6 pounds. 9 months later, I got pregnant with my daughter. I kept my weight gain to 40 pounds. She weighed 8 pounds. When I delivered my daughter, I weighed 225 pounds. My husband and I had been married 2.5 years, popped out two kids and I now weighed 100 pounds more than I did the day we got married.

He must have thought: REFUND!!!

Was it the pregnancies that "made" me gain weight? Nah... It was an excuse to eat. For the first time in my life, I felt that I could EAT and no one could say a word.

However, after having my son, I got all the way down (!!) to 170, just before getting pregnant with my daughter. After my daughter was born, things really sucked in my marriage, and I didn't lose any weight, and, in fact...gained a lot more. That's when I got up to around 250+ and stayed there for a couple/three years. I can't believe I didn't have a heart attack.

I went on a zillion diets. Every Monday was "the DAY." God help me if the FIRST of the month was ALSO a Monday, because that was a double whammy.

It took me years to realize my weight was not about eating. It wasn't about food. It wasn't about my marriage, my family, my job, my lack of self discipline (because hey...being anorexic takes more self discipline than you can shake a stick at)...my fatness wasn't about my love of great tasting food...do you know how many times I've eaten something IN ITS ENTIRETY, all the while saying out loud: Gawd, this doesn't taste very good... it was about filling up a hole inside of me with food. And until I could learn to fill up the hole with something besides food, I'd always be fat.

I'm still trying to find what fills up that hole. But I'm learning little bits here and there. I've learned that the hole cannot be filled up with potato chips, cookies or pizza. I think that once I learn to TRULY love myself, then the hole can be filled. Once that hole is filled, I think I'll plant a beautiful tree in it...

Yours,

FatMom

Day 293...189

2008-10-15T09:06:00.000-07:00

Jeez, I love having time off. I get to catch up on all of my favorite blogs, have time to find NEW blogs to read, and just generally glean a bunch of tasty tidbits of knowledge. Example (a la Pulp Fiction):

1. Today is LOVE YOUR BODY day...do I love my body? I respect my body...still learning the love part

2. Check out this little article by zenhabits: http://zenhabits.net/2008/10/the-only-two-secrets-to-motivating-yourself-youll-ever-need/ Super cool

3. Here's a new blog I've found that's fab: http://theonelastthing.com/

Ahhhh, what else? Very social week planned...last night I met up with some friends (including one who moved to JawJuh (Georgia) a few years ago at a local BOWLING ALLEY! Bowling alley, y'all! Two of the group are in a league and, so...well, it seemed like a good place to meet. Did ya know the bowling alley has a FULL bar?! The last time we were all together (about 2 years ago), we got kicked OUT of a bar. This time? Pretty tame in comparison. Only a few boobie flashes, and only one man who was presented for our consideration (politely declined). So...it was lovely to see the girls again...it's always nice to be able to commiserate with other wives/moms about the daily pleasures, trials and tribulations of life. The JawJuh mom did lap-band surgery a year ago, and holy crap, she looks amazing! Makes me want to do the lap band thingie, but...you all know I wouldn't do it...too chicken...ANY-way, we laughed about how we now weigh less than what our driver's licenses list...and we LIED about our weight THEN! Too funny!

Today it's lunch with the husband at a special place he has picked out just for moi. I've got a play to see on Friday night, and (drum roll)...it's SHOP-a-PALOOZA weekend!! Yeeeee-haw! Every year my sister, my daughter and daughter's best friend, go to the bay area with an obscene amount of money, stay overnight, and just shop to our heart's content. Not for Christmas...just for us...it's my one indulgence for the year...still, I can't help but focus on the fact this year that I'm 10 pounds heavier than I was last year. *sigh* I went out for a little Shop-A-Palooza warm up yesterday, and...dang it! Those 10 pounds puts me up an entire size. Shizzle... Oh, well...I shall just enjoy being with my lovely sister, and make that my primary focus. The little girls are opting out this year, as my daughter HATES shopping, and finally confessed that she would be tortured if she had to go. Ok, so just me and my sister; sounds good, actually ;0)

What else??? Not much...

Enjoy this beautiful fall day, bloggers~

Toodles,

FatMom

Day 292...189...

2008-10-14T09:28:00.000-07:00

So, I've been super busy, super tired and just super-super. I got a promotion at work, though! Yippee! It'll take effect in January, when the new semester starts. I'm excited about it...I'll now be fully integrated into the special education department, and not just flirting around the edges of it.

Besides that, not a whole lot to report. Been on track with eating quite well, and am doing fine with that. I've been SO tired lately, though, that my exercise has suffered...I do have the rest of this week off and my plan is to get back on track. I've found that even 15 minutes 3x/day is helpful to keep me moving and feeling less tired. That's likely the culprit, eh?! I get tired, and want to sleep for that extra half hour instead of exercising in the morning, and yet that ends up making me MORE tired by the time evening comes. Silly me!

Got an email from my new cyber pal, Angie, last week, and I must confess I jumped down her throat with BOTH feet (I have since sincerely apologized) at a comment she made to me...a comment which was meant to be kind and supportive. Being the crankster that I am, however, I jumped on her. Still, it made me think... I was lamenting how HARD (insert whiny voice here) it is to lose weight and that I keep losing and gaining the same freaking 1o pounds! Her comment back to me was (paraphrasing): "Losing weight is a 'no brainer.' Just work hard!"

(Clearing throat...paraphrasing again) Well, I shot back... if losing weight were a "no brainer," I'd be 110 pounds by now. It'll take ME a little more than "effort" and "hard work" to lose.

So I started wondering...WHY was I so fired up by that comment? Is it REALLY just a matter of "hard work" and "effort?" Or does it go deeper than that? Was I offended because I know she's right? Was I miffed because she made me realize that despite whatever history I have with food, I AM in control of the choices I make? Is this REALLY a situation when it IS all about me?

I was in a "staff development" training yesterday (I think I'm "developed" enough, though...), and something one presenter said really struck me... she said: When we blame other people, we give our power away.

Whoa...

Dang it...Angie's right...mostly ;~)

Gawd, I LOVE being around people smarter than myself. Thanks, Angie!

Love to all,

FatMom

Day 284...Tired

2008-10-06T16:32:00.001-07:00

I'm tired, folks. Just feeling drained today. Crabby and drained. See what hormones will do to a gal? I feel like I need a good cry and a nap. Better than a box of Oreo's and a tub of soy cream, that's for sure. Of course I won't get ANY of that stuff...I'll have to settle on a bean burger and Monday night football. Eh, that sounds ok, too.

xoxo,

FatMom

Day 278...189 big ones...

2008-09-30T17:05:00.001-07:00

So things are moving along fine. No great shakes, nothing too outrageous to report. Just kind of blah, blah, blah. Last night as I was falling asleep, I was thinking: jeez, my life is B-O-R-I-N-G! I need to squish some excitement in there! Not the "bad" kind of excitement that may come from a health issue or whatnot...but FUN. I mean, I do have fun, but...I guess that's the Gemini in me...I just crave newness all the time. I get used to things to quickly and then I get bored. Not the irresponsible kind of bored, but, just...BLAH.

But things are great. Just keepin' on keepin on...

TTFN,

FatMom

Day 273...better...

2008-09-25T16:04:00.000-07:00

Wow, do I have the most wonderful cyber friends, or what?! You all have such insight, wisdom and good old fashioned commiserative skills. You are all so wonderful!

Better today...don't know what changed, except my crappy attitude. I exercised this morning, which I DIDN'T yesterday, so I'm wondering if that helped. Of course I can't really call it "exercise" this morning, as I was walking at a snail's pace on the treadmill trying to finish a project for my principal, which...is a little overdue...STILL, I congratulate myself on NOT skipping the "workout" to work, and instead stayed on track (ha, a pun!) and walked despite the snail's pace.

Ready for a REAL workout this afternoon; I have to change into workout clothes the second I get home, or...well, I may decide those breakfast dishes are more important than my health. And we all know THAT'S not true!

On a more serious note...I've been thinking of my blogging-pal, Kim... http://icannotbelieveiamblogging.blogspot.com/ ... and her journey... she is so honest and real, and I love her for it. She's been talking a bit lately about how HARD it is to lose weight, but how much HARDER she thinks it's going to be to maintain her weight once it's all gone. She's also been lamenting the fact that she still has a few pounds to go, and that despite losing 70 (!!!!) pounds so far, those last few pounds may as well be 70 more due to the psychological weight of it all. I feel for her...I do, but I can't help doing a little happy jig in my head for the excitement she must feel at losing 70 pounds! So, she can worry, and I will dance, because I know she's going to be just fine. We all hit stumbling blocks, but we can move through it. She has, she will. I find a lot of inspiration in her. Check her out...

Also been thinking of my other blogging-inspiration, FATINAH http://fatinah.blogspot.com/ ; talk about a cutie pie who is nearly ALWAYS positive and kicking butt on her workouts! I always smile when I read her posts. She's come a long way, and if you're in need of some attitude shift with regards to exercise, she's the go-to-gal.

I never thought I'd find "friends" in cyber space. But I have, and I love you all!

OH! Forgot to tell you... visited with my beloved ducks the other day! They're soooooo precious! I swear that somewhere in a tiny recess of their peanut brains, they recognize me! BUT, my male is being bad...he's chasing the blind ducks around and being aggressive with them. He and his girl had to be moved to another part of the yard...I hope he straightens himself out. Either that, or the sanctuary lady said she'd have to find another home for them. I can barely handle them being in THAT fabulous place...I can't even begin to think of them going anywhere else. Think positive...

Toodles,

FatMom

Day 272~ Feeling GRRRRR....

2008-09-24T16:11:00.000-07:00

So, I had a tough day. No particular reason, just...feeling as if it were a tough day. I don't have PMS. I have no idea what's up. No, wait...I do...I need to stop lying about my feelings. But I lie because I don't want people to think I'm a jerk. Or that I'm self-important. Or, WHATEVER...

But I know I can be 100% honest here...

The truth is, I have a problem with self esteem. A big problem. I constantly think that if people are not falling all over me, they must dislike me. If people are not stopping to chat, they must be mad at me for something (what, I cannot fathom, truly...). If men are not flirting with me, I must be ugly. If my students at school are having a tough day, it must be my fault.

Child of alcoholics syndrome? I don't know... What I DO know, is that I HATE that about myself. The need for constant reassurance that I'm needed and appreciated. Not necessarily LOVED, but I have this near panic-stricken need to be NEEDED and appreciated. I have a hard time feeling important, and I guess that's how I can feel important. Jeez, I'm also a crazy people pleaser.

I eat for many reasons, and that is one of them. To fill up a hole inside of me. It certainly doesn't work. It just makes the hole larger. More dangerous and dark. This is largely why I have a weight problem. That's certainly how I GOT fat in the first place. Trying to fill up the hole; trying to quiet the panic. Doubtful anyone ever found the the way out of that hole in the bottom of a bag of chips, however.

*sigh* Still, I've been on track the last few days...things are fine. Just crabby today...I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow.

Kisses,

FatMom

Day 221...my new WI will be on Mondays~

2008-09-23T16:25:00.000-07:00

I'm going to try something new...only weigh in once a week. Now, for many of you, that may sound nuts. Nuts as in "WHAT?! She weighs herself MORE than once a week?!" THAT would be the comments of the "sane" people out there. BUT, if you're like me and you're scale obsessed, you may find yourself breaking out in a cold sweat. As in: "WHAT do you MEAN?! Only weigh in once a week?! Are you out of your mind?!" Perhaps I am. This coming from someone who weighs herself ONLY during the following circumstances:

1. When I wake up

2. After my cup of coffee and shower

3. Before my morning "bathroom" trip

4. After my morning "bathroom" trip

5. When I get home from work

6. After I exercise

7. After dinner

8. Before bed

Yes, no less than 8 times a day. On some days, it could be more often. Yes, I DO hold down a full time job, have two kids, multiple pets, a house and a husband.

But, still...I will try to WI only once a week. Now, let's be honest, though...I may only be able to go so far as to not WI in the MORNINGS. I may still have to peek in the afternoons/evenings. What can I say? I've got issues.

Best to all,

FatMom

Day 220...feeling a bit better~

2008-09-22T17:19:00.001-07:00

Hello, friends~

So, I am feeling a bit better today, and, actually...throughout the weekend. I did stay on track quite well this weekend, and that always makes me feel a lot better about EVERYTHING in my life. When my food is "in control," my LIFE is "in control." As soon as I start to feel out of control, for any reason, my eating reflects that.

But, what, friends, has happened to me these last couple of months. No, I have not taken any new medications. Nor have I done much different except slack off on my eating and exercise plan. Oh, DUH! That would do it, wouldn't it? Slacked off terribly like a 35 year old unemployed dope smoker still living at home? No, not that bad. More like a teenager rebelling just a bit. It's tough when you lose your mojo. *sigh* Got to figure out how to get it back.

DID join a new challenge! I'm excited to say that I've already "met" some new friends who have been very kind in their compassion towards me and my reluctant to leave poundage. Want to check out the challenge? Here's the link: http://biggestloserblogedition.blogspot.com/ Seems like a lovely group of peeps.

I read a discussion in yesterday's paper about Biggest Loser and how it actually messes a lot of viewers up and how it degrades the contestants. Now, unless you're a bit short in the brain cell department, you MUST realize that show is unrealistic from the standpoint of WHO can leave their families, sequester themselves for months on end, have the benefit of personal chefs, not having to work, being busted in the ass by the trainers constantly, et. al? Not many people, I'm afraid, can do that. And, I wonder, what happens to them AFTER the show? When they have to go back to "real" life and jobs, families, stress? Having to shop and cook for themselves? I wonder... Secondly, as far as degrading the contestants, I'm guessing they knew what they were in for when they went to the first call, and the call backs, and finally, when they were selected for the show. Not one of them seems lacking upstairs.

Still, how fun it is to see the weight drop off. To see that with good old fashioned hard work, it CAN be removed. That's the PHYSICAL side. I find the PSYCHOLOGICAL side of eating and of being fat far more difficult to remove. But I know it can be done. I've seen it. I've DONE it. I can CONTINUE to do it.

Thanks, everyone~

FatMom

P.S.: Why does everyone get so upset over my name? Please...it's not a big (ha! a pun!) deal.

Day 268...feel as if I WEIGH 268!

2008-09-20T09:47:00.000-07:00

Wow...I am just in a rut right now. I am barely making any efforts at all, and the siren song of food is very hard to resist right now. I'm wondering if I am subconsciously stressed? Why else would I feel this intense desire to eat, eat, eat? Hmmm...

Still exercising on a regular basis, so that's good...but...something in my little equation of success is missing. What is it?!

I've been sliding down the hill into FatCity since my reunion in mid July. 10 weeks now. Gaining a pound a week...WTF?!

I'm now at a weight where I'm SCARED. Will I gain it all back? I now have my (not so little) fat roll above my waistband back as a constant companion. Funny thing is, that roll has been BIG, BIG, BIG in my life, depending what weight I was currently entertaining at the time. I hardly noticed it leave (so quietly, so subtly, just slipped away...) back 10 pounds ago, but MAN, does he make a loud, stumbling-home-at-2 a.m.-drunk-through-the-back-door-with-someone-he-picked-up-from-the-bar-whilst-wearing-his-beer-goggles, ENTRANCE back into my life. I feel that roll constantly now, and it's driving me nuts.

What do you do to jar yourself back into getting on track? What does it take for you? I think I need a "scared straight" intervention. Can you help me, friends?

Help Me, Please~

FatMom

Day 257...who knows?

2008-09-09T08:45:00.000-07:00

Sick today. Well, FatMom sick. See, my stomach is very sensitive. Here's an equation for ya:

Indulging in wrong for me foods + stress + hormones = FatMom feeling like she has the flu

Back in 2001/2002 or so, this was the norm for me. I spent the better part of 6 months feeling like I had morning sickness. Now I say this because oddly enough, sometime around late morning to early afternoon, I feel completely normal. But in the middle of the night, early in the morning, I feel like hell. I'm nauseated, I have diarrhea, I'm sweaty, I'm freezing, and I feel exhausted. I can tell that my "off plan" eating these last couple of weeks has caught up with me, adding on top of that some stress, and my period getting ready to start, and it was a combo that was gonna line up with a "7-7-7" and a jackpot of ickiness.

So, I had to call in sick to school today. Man, I hate that. I don't like not working. So much so that I re-contacted staff and said I'd be in at 11. I feel guilty. It's not as if I'm contagious, so I feel supreme guilt. Add on top of that the fact that I'm already slated to take Friday off for a long family weekend at the beach. (insert more guilt) It's our annual trip, and man...I'd better NOT be sick!

Any-whooooo, I'm going to lay down for a wee bit, though I am sure I can get through the day now.

TTFN,

FatMom

Day 253...just waiting...

2008-09-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

So, still nothing new...but I did have a few weird dreams. Care to interpret?

Dream #1: My daughter had ants crawling out of her ear.

Dream #2: I had crabs in my pubes.

Dream #3: I kissed my son's teacher. Teacher is a "she." WTF?

Clearly I shouldn't eat chocolate right before bed. Either that or they should really drug test teachers.

Loves ya,

FatMom

Day 251...I'll weigh in a few days...

2008-09-03T20:19:00.001-07:00

Holy, holy crap, but things are boring right now. I have no drama to report that's interesting, no spectacular feats, no incredible teacher-student breakthroughs, no NOTHIN'. *sigh* I know it doesn't make for a very interesting blog, but rest assured, that tomorrow is another day, and surely SOMETHING will happen tomorrow.

So, I'll just randomly ramble...

I still miss my ducks something fierce. I still F*C&ing HATE who ever it was that called the county on me. I hope whomever it was is reincarnated as a pus filled hemerrhoid on my fat ass. No, I hope they're reincarnated AS a fatty. Wait, I hope they're a celebrity who gets FAT.

I got my face waxed again, and I only ended up with ONE tiny zit. That's good news.

I bought some contacts which "enhance" my natural eye color. Please. If you know me, you could totally tell. My eyes are VERY light blue. These make them ocean-ish blue. STILL, people who know me tell me they don't look crazy fake. So, I wear them on occasion. Kind of like dress up. I figure: hey, that's not totally my natural hair color...my lips are not pinkish-terra cotta in color...that certain glow in my cheeks comes from a compact. SO, why not use some color enhancers? What's the difference between make up/hair color and embellishing my natural eye color?

I've been going to bed at 10 p.m. lately. I've found this makes it easy to get up at 5:45 a.m. If I go to bed at 10:30 or 11, I lay in bed kicking the mattress when the alarm goes off in the morning. Not a "zen like" way to start your day. So, 10 p.m. it is. And that's IN bed at 10 p.m., not mosey into the bathroom at 10, pluck gray hairs from head, apply all manner of facial cleansers, toners, acne cream (yes, I break out still), post acne fade cream, special eye crap, pluck stray hairs from chin/lip area, brush teeth, apply lip balm, lotion entire body, take out contacts and use prescription nasal spray. Oh, and work in a pee. By the time I do all that crap, it's 10:15. SO, 10 it is. Gotta be very strict.

Why do people trust me so much? This has happened to me my whole life. People assume I'm trustworthy. They give me their kids, they give me their cars, keys to their houses, their secrets. Why?

I want to see the new DeNiro/Pacino movie.

Gonna go out of town this fall several times. Looking forward to each one for different reasons.

Feeling a bit overwhelmed by all that I have to do.

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the following blog: http://yeahthatveganshit.blogspot.com/ check out her entry for September 3rd. You may recall I am a vegan, which is how I FOUND her blog, but I keep reading it because she's sooooooooooooo funny. Warning: she can be crude and use off color language, so, if you're very conservative, don't read it. BTW, why are are you reading THIS blog, then? So, stop.

Feeling comforted by a piece of brownie. Not good. BUT, I only ate one. Still not good, but, better than eating half a pan.

I've got to get myself together for tomorrow.

Love to all,

FatMom

Day 250...weight? The same

2008-09-02T17:29:00.000-07:00

Man, day "250." I used to WEIGH 250. Scary stuff.

Nothin much new round here. Had a great holiday weekend. Found out I need 3 days just to get all the chores done AND get some fun in. Wouldn't it be cool to work 4-10's? I already do that anyway. It would be just sick (I hang around too many kids) to make it official, though.

Exercise is going well. I'm back at it after all that extraneous and unexplained bleeding from last week.

So boring. So sorry.

Latuh,

FatMom

Day 246...186 lbs.

2008-08-29T16:29:00.001-07:00

I went back to exercising today. It felt good! I've finally stopped bleeding (mostly). What a weird thing...

What else...OH! I cut my hair last night...well, I didn't cut it...my stylist did...ANY-way...I told him I was in the mood for something different...now, I trust him implicitly, so I wasn't worried. But WHOA...different is right! My hair is now as short as a boy's in the back, with some longer layers in the front. Kind of like a Katie-with-the-new-haircut-Holmes + Jackie O. And it's dark...no more highlights. People like it, though I had one 4th grader tell me today: Ewww...I don't like it! But everyone else was positive. So, we'll see if it's a keeper. I've never had hair this short before. I think I'll need to remember to wear sun screen on the back of my neck!

Not much goin' on...3 day weekend sounds nice. We'll be visiting friends out of town tomorrow. They had a baby 4.5 months ago, so I can't wait to meet her! Miss Squeaky is her nickname! How cute is that?!

Sorry for the blah-blah-blah post. But I'm kind of happy for the last few (mundane) days.

Happy Labor Day Weekend, Folks~

FatMom

Day 243...didn't weigh...

2008-08-26T22:00:00.001-07:00

I'm tired. Freaking tired. I really miss exercising...I think I'll get back on track again tomorrow despite the continued bleeding, which has lightened up a wee bit. I've been oddly hungry the last few days, which seems contradictory to my not exercising. *sigh* Well, maybe it's stress.

I was cleaning out my personal junk drawer the other day in my nightstand. You'll never guess what I found...well, maybe you might if you're a fatty like me...one who keeps obsessive lists on weights and measurements. Every once in a while I'll find an old "list" and marvel over how I have had to work so hard just to lose these 30-40 pounds. So, I found a note where I'd written that on a particular day, I weighed 239 pounds. Wow... I'm sure I was likely even heavier than that at some point, but I'd stopped weighing myself. Can you believe it? 239 pounds?! Even more shocking? At about the same time in history, I found cards from my husband which said how much he loved me. So weird... I can't fathom the idea that someone could love me for reasons besides how I look. I know I'm 38...I'm just NOW getting to the point where I can believe that. All my life I was only appreciated for how I looked. Then I got REALLY fat. And no one appreciated my any more. I was literally invisible. I had to "re-invent" myself. I had to let the "real me" come out. It's been nice. But, man...can you believe that? I was probably around 250 pounds at my heaviest. I'm 5'4." Crazy...

Gak... I just want to crawl into bed with my kidlets and cuddle. Smell their hair, touch their soft skin, and let my body melt into theirs.

Enjoy yourselves,

FatMom

Day 242...I don't know my exact weight...

2008-08-25T17:16:00.001-07:00

WARNING: GRAPHIC POST!

Ok, so something is going on with me health wise. I've noticed for the last year that whenever my cervix gets "bumped" (you can imagine how), it bleeds just a wee bit. Not a lot, just a wee bit. Nothing that has concerned me. So, on Thursday, I went in for my (kind of) annual Pap test. My doctor says: So, are you on your period? No, I answer. Why? Well, she says, I just barely tapped your cervix and a wall of blood came gushing out. I don't know that the test will be able to be read it's so bloody. (I'm still thinking: oh, well, probably just a bit of blood.) She says my cervix is "friable" (read: sensitive). Still not worried. Well, why could it be that way, I ask? Well, she says, could be anything from my thyroid being out of whack (it's not) to infection (read: STD), to cancer. Holy shit... I'll take the thyroid. The other two? I'll leave those at the door.

She tells me if the techs can't read the test, it'll be about 3 weeks. If they CAN read the test, it'll be about 6 weeks. Why so long, I ask? Seems there's 62 gyns in the system, and they each do about 30 Paps a day; you do the math, she says. Then she gives me a pad. Well, y'all, not to be tooooo graphic, I went to the appointment in a dress, sans undies due to the heat. I was to embarrassed to tell her that. So, after she left the room, I made a hillbilly tampon out of medical grade paper towel material. I get home, get busy with chores, and about a half hour later (now about an hour after the appointment), I feel something. Yup, blood. Running down my legs. I go in the bathroom to remove said hillbilly "tampon" and just about hit the floor. Blood? Oh, no...this is like something out of CSI. And clots? Walnut sized. I have NEVER, NEVER bled like this before. After having my kids, yes, but any other time? Nooooo...

I call the advice nurse. She says she can't tell me anything because I haven't had a pad on. Seems that if I put on a pad and go through 4 (yes, four!) overnight pads in an HOUR then I should be worried. Until then, nah... Ummm...here's my deal: This is not normal for ME. Perhaps for someone else who is a heavy bleeder, yes. For me? No way.

Long story short...I've been bleeding on and off since Thursday. Enough to have to "wear" something. WTF? Anyone else have something like this happen? Why am I the only one concerned?

ALSO, I got some bad news about my classroom on Friday. LOOOONG story short: I am to be removed from my classroom until January (!!!), and "float" as a support to four (4!!!) other classes due to a mistake someone made in administration. I'll get to come back to my class in January. Gee, thanks. In the meantime, I will miss my "kids" something fierce! And my DS girl? Oh...I'm so sad... It has taken me this long (summer/first two weeks of school) to develop a good relationship with her...and now? I'll be "gone" from her for 4 months. In 4 days she won't have anything to do with me. 4 months?! Remember her intellect is similar to a preschooler...she needs me there every day for us to have a bonded relationship. When I come back in January she'll likely be hostile towards me. Sad, sad, sad. I'm so sad. All that hard work down the drain.

SOOOOOOOOO, I'm feeling a little crapped out. Worried about my health. Worried about my "kids." Just a little worried in general.

Kisses,

FatMom

Day 239...185ish

2008-08-22T16:44:00.000-07:00

I've had a crappy last 24 hours. Not food wise... but crappy nonetheless.

I'm wallowing in self pity right now... but I will NOT give in to food. Nope.

Toodles,

FatMom

Day 237...185

2008-08-20T16:21:00.000-07:00

Feeling really hungry this afternoon. I think it may be because I didn't drink enough water today. That could explain the small headache I'm dealing with, as well.

Nothing really new...things are going well...I've tracked my food now for 3 days. Going over my calorie count slightly each day...THAT could explain why I can't lose much weight on a permanent basis...I've been over about 100 calories each day. Grrr...so close, and yet...

Well, I'll get into the groove of things. Can't expect perfection right out of the gate, I suppose.

Back To School Night tonight...I hate these things...

Toodles,

FatMom

Day 235...Phew...187...

2008-08-18T17:01:00.000-07:00

What is going ON with me?! I've gained 10 pounds in a month. How do I DO that? I mean, seriously? HOW can that happen? I've been super active, eating more than usual, but not totally out of control...HOW can I gain 10 pounds? If you've been reading this blog for more than a month or so, you'll realize that I CAN gain 10 pounds in a month, and I do...too often. And yet I am still completely taken by surprise when it happens. Sometimes I wonder if I will EVER get below the high 170's.

But you know what? I feel good. Not as good as I feel 10 pounds lighter, but I feel good. I think it's because I've kept my exercise up.

Still, little things happen when I get this heavy. My feet start to hurt a bit. My feet and hands stay perpetually swollen just a bit. There's a fullness to my face that's not completely pleasant. I find it harder to get up off the floor after working with a student. My thighs rub together. Oh, wait! They rub together no matter what...

Back to planning my meals and snacks again. That's the only thing that works, and yet I rebel against it with all my heart. I HATE writing down everything. I hate planning like that. I feel so stifled. So dominated. So completely without any spontaneity. Blech. But, do it I will...at least for a little while. Then I'll stop. And gain back the 10 pounds I lost. Jeez, do I need therapy? Seriously...Has anyone else gotten over this psychological hump? Do tell...

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO glad FATINAH is back! I missed her so much...where did she go? I'll have to read all about it...didn't know she left...did I miss something in her blog?

Enjoy,

FatMom

Day 231...around 185, I think...

2008-08-14T22:20:00.000-07:00

So, school started on Wednesday. It's been great so far, though I imagine that's because of two distinct reasons:

1. We haven't done anything remotely academic

2. The kids are exhausted because no doubt they all continued to stay up until midnight the night before school started

Nah...it's gonna be a great year! What a cool group of kids this year...Really super excited about it!

On the exercise front, all continues to go well. I'm still trying to map out exactly how long it takes me to get out of bed, make 3 lunches, exercise, shower, get two kids up and showered, get dressed, do hair/make up, eat AND get to school by 8. Me thinks 5:45 a.m. is what it's going to take. Jeez, that's akin to the middle of the night for me. But that's how much I enjoy my exercise, folks!

Going to meet coworkers out tomorrow afternoon after school for a celebration...a "we made it through hell week," type of thing. I don't normally drink, and when I do, it's a VERY small glass of wine. I may just indulge in two (!!!) drinks tomorrow. Been tough getting ready... And HOT?! OMG, it has been a decent summer weather wise, until the first day of school. THEN, someone turned on the heater full blast. Yikes...as a fatty, I hate hot weather. I love wearing dresses and skirts, but in the heat? Man, my thighs are a damp, sticky mess by lunchtime, and by the end of the day, likely marred by red bumps which are painful due to excess fat rubbing together. A regular swamp-o-rama down there...Blech... THERE's a great reason to lose fat from the thighs. Lipo sounds pretty good about now...

Hope everyone is enjoying these dog days of summer. I miss my friend FATINAH...I'm really starting to get concerned. She hasn't posted to her blog for over 2 weeks now, and that's just not like her. Has anyone heard from her? FatMom is worried...and when FatMom is worried, FatMom eats...we don't want that, now do we? Ok, FATINAH...come out, come out wherever you are...

Best to all,

FatMom

Day 227...187! (hey, that rhymes!)

2008-08-10T08:05:00.000-07:00

Well, I think my weight being up is a combo of several factors:

1. Aunt Flo is due any second

2. I've been eating waaay too much this week

3. Stress (see #1 and #2 again)

4. Vicious cycle of 1, 2 and 3...the trifecta of DOOM!

I was actually somewhat relieved when I checked the calendar and saw that Aunt Flo is due any second...because I always feel that I'm starving right before her visit and I start to feel crazy...like: What is WRONG with me? Why am I obsessing about food?? Why am I eating salty foods with such abandon? THEN, I check the calendar and realize I'm not crazy. It's just hormones. I think I'd better get back to taking my calcium supplements again; that's supposed to help.

Went to the mall last night to find some new clothes. I actually got a skirt, a sweater and a shirt. All for less than $30. Gotta love August! Everyone wants to clear out their summery stuff and get in the fall stuff. But here in the Central Valley of CA, it's summer until November 1st, so that sleeveless top will get a lot of wear in the coming weeks, believe me.

School starts on Wednesday. I'm at the point now where I'm just thinking: Let's just get it started. See, for me, the anticipation is always WAY worse than the actual event. I am looking forward to it in a way...well, for selfish reasons...I always do better with the whole diet/exercise program during the school year because I'm in a set routine (routine + FatMom = good!). I plan on sketching out weekly menus again...at least for a while...though I'm so aware of serving sizes, etc...my problem, though, with not planning/writing, is that I think nothing of a cookie here, a handful of chips there...next thing you know, I'm probably over my calorie allotment by 300...not good when you are cursed with a finicky metabolism.

Got the book "Rethinking Thin." I hope to start it sometime this week. I'll let you all know (yeah, there's soooooooooooooooooooo many of you reading this blog) how it is. HEY! There's an idea... How about every one of you reading my blog leave a comment, even if it's just one letter of the alphabet...that'd be fun...

Toodles,

FatMom

Day 226...weight? No idea...

2008-08-09T00:32:00.000-07:00

Too busy this a.m. to weigh in. Well, rather, I forgot in the craziness of the first day I had to get myself up at 6:15 for school. Lucky for me, I only had to get MYSELF ready this morning. I did get 20 minutes in on the treadmill this morning, which is ok if I do an afternoon session, too. But, things were crazy around here this afternoon (5 p.m.) when I got home, so...no afternoon workout :~(

Staff development was good...I brought my pillow, so...only a minimally sore rump tonight.

Nothing much going on...

Kisses,

FatMom

Day 225...186!

2008-08-07T22:10:00.000-07:00

I ate a lot of salty foods last night, so I wasn't surprised I was up 2 pounds this morning. It's ok.

Got up this morning and hit the treadmill for a challenging 20 minute walk (I usually run at night...not in the morning, as my bones are still working out all the kinks from the night before and I don't want to do anything jarring). Then went to school all freakin' day to help other teachers move into their new classrooms. Gawd, but I am pooped! I decided to skip the afternoon workout due to all the manual labor I did today.

Was soooo tired by the time I got done, but I had to take my son out for a haircut. Whilst at the haircutting salon, both kids started complaining they were hungry...so, we rung up the husband and asked him to meet us at a local restaurant. I indulged in a few onion rings (whoooooeeeeee, my favorite, y'all) and a veggie burger with steak fries. Jeez, talk about fat! But it tasty!

Tomorrow I have "staff development" ALL day (Monday, too! oh, boy!)...the boy and the husband are driving down to So CA tomorrow evening/night to help my step son move into his first apartment this weekend. *sigh* Wow, they grow up quickly! I met my stepson when he was 13 months old. Now he's 18. Going to Europe. Skydiving. This kid has done more in his 18 years than I've done in my 38. I'm excited for him! I will miss my boy... the daughter and I will have to come up with some fun stuff.

Enjoy yourselves, and think of me tomorrow and Monday...think happy thoughts for my soon to be completely flat butt!

Kisses,

FatMom

Day 224...184

2008-08-06T09:13:00.000-07:00

Yesteday I hit the ole treadmill for one 20 minute session in the morning, followed by a 50 minute session in the afternoon. It was luuuhhhhvley...I did a total of 4 miles, so I'm not going at a breakneck pace, but it was enough to get a good sweat rolling. Burned 550 calories total. Phew, but I get hungry when I work out! And I was feeling a wee bit stressed last night, so I found myself eating (mostly healthy) food when I wasn't even hungry. I guess the good news is that I KNEW I wasn't hungry, and I was AWARE I was still eating anyway. Progress, not perfection, right? I'm moving in the right direction.

I'd posed a question to cyber-inspiration, Kim, the other day...we were "discussing" whether or not she felt tired by the fact that she (and myself) had to be 'on our game' 24/7 when it comes to eating and exercise in order to lose weight and at times, even, MAINTAIN our weight. I said it bothered me that I couldn't eat like a "normal" person. I had to be hyper-vigilant. Well, friends, it wears me out. That's probably why I keep losing and gaining the same 5 pounds over and over. Maybe if I just eased up a weeeeee bit, then I wouldn't have these localized binge episodes that I have to spend the next 7 days working to undo... Does that work for you? To be "on track," but not freakishly obsessed?

But it's hard. I've had lifelong eating disorders of one type or another. I'm 38, and I remember VERY clearly odd eating patterns from the time I was 3! THREE! So sad... It's sad that I've spend 35 years having a dysfunctional relationship with food. Sad that I've wasted so much energy being freaked out by when I was going to eat again, what I was going to eat, what I WASN'T going to eat, how LONG I wasn't going to eat, how if I DID eat, I'd need to be near a bathroom because I'd be running to the toilet after I ate because I'd get diarrhea because my body didn't know what to DO with food since it got it so rarely...how I'd count the minutes until my husband would go to work so I could binge, how I'd need to make sure I had mints in my car so that I could cover up my "fast food breath" when I got home from errands, how giddy I'd get to actually have a few dollars in CASH so that I COULD go to a drive thru (yes, I know I spelled it in that manner) and use the cash so the purchase wouldn't show up on our bank account because I used my debit card...how I would find trash cans on my way home from errands to dispose of chip/candy wrappers so as not to bring the "evidence" home...how I'd drive home with the windows down (no matter the weather) to "air out" the car and thus destroy any "food smell" evidence... See?? Sick, sick, sick...

I am happy to say I am 90% "better" now. But I will always have it inside of me. Like any recovering addict, I will always be in "recovery mode," no matter how long I've been "sober." But isn't the whole food addiction thing so hard? A drug addict can make sure he/she is not in a crack house; an alcoholic can avoid parties; a gambler can not go to a casino or track...but we have to eat EVERY DAY. So, every day I have to face my demons. That's probably why I was anorexic for so long. I couldn't learn how to deal with food in a healthy manner, so, I just avoided it all together. That's likely how I became an overeater, as well...I couldn't eat a "proper" amount of food, so I just ate and ate and ate. But that's me...I don't just do something a little bit, I do it in a big way.

*sigh* It sounds terrible, but really...it's not. I am SOOOOOOOOOOO thankful that I have been able to lose 35-40 pounds. I'm thankful that I am no longer pre-diabetic. I am thankful that I can run a 5K with no problems. I am thankful that my blood pressure is very healthy. I am thankful that my feet don't ache from the moment I step on them in the morning. I am thankful my kids are no longer embarrassed of my appearance. I am thankful I am no longer disgusted by my appearance. Would I like to lose more? Oh, yes... 20 more, at least... I want to be REALLY healthy, and I think that would put me in that category. 20 more beyond that is just vanity, mostly.

But, hey...is there really anything wrong with wanting to look good?

Ciao,

FatMom

P.S.: Yes, I love my "name!" I AM a fat mom...even if I'm thin, I'll always be a fat mom.

Day 223...Finally! 184...

2008-08-05T08:21:00.001-07:00

Finally some movement on the scale. Jeez! It was not the best weekend food wise, though, I must say, it was quite delicious...and I think I was holding a lot of water yesterday. Good to see it took a hike.

I did two 20 minute sessions yesterday on the treadmill. I didn't want to come blasting back to cardio only to find myself in major pain, so I thought two 20 minute sessions would be nice. It was! Long enough to blast off 200 calories at a clip, so...400 calories yesterday. Makes up for my snack I had (soy/coconut milk "yogurt" and some Nature's Path cereal), which is so yummy, but...jeez, about 375 calories. Too many for a "snack," I'd say, but...I felt I needed some sugar in my system in the 60-90 minutes before I worked out (after a looooong day of working at school).

Watched a movie last night I'd recommend to anyone who has ever struggled with any kind of eating disorder (overeating, bulimia, anorexia...). It's a fictional story of two women who befriend each other (kind of); one is an overeater and one is anorexic. Being that I've been both of those women, I found it especially stirring. It's called DisFigured, and really, the thrust is on accepting yourself at the weight you're at right now, but also making efforts to change that fact if you're in a dysfunctional relationship with food. I guess emphasis on "health," would be a better thing to say? Good movie. Low budget movie, but good movie.

In the "bonus" section of the movie, there's a part where the writer (?) recommends a book, called "Rethinking Thin." I've already ordered it. I don't want to be fat anymore, but I don't want to be fat anymore for health reasons...well, that's 85% of the reason. The other 15% is because I wanna look hot! But, finally, the health reasons are larger (ha!) than the vanity reasons. It took me about 36 years to get there, but I finally got there.

Speaking of "hot..." So, I went out with the husband on Saturday night. I got all brave and wore a dress that shows a lot of boob, but in a rather tasteful way. The rest of the dress is flowy, though not "mumu-ish," so it's a nice balance. I kept the make up and jewelry to a minimum so that I didn't cross over into "floozy" category. Can I tell you, ladies, cleavage draws a lot of attention. We were in a very high end restaurant, so, it was subtle attention, but attention none the less. The husband asked at one point: "Does it flatter you, or does it make you feel uncomfortable when someone (guy) looks at your boobs?" I thought carefully for a moment... I said: "It doesn't really make me feel anything. It's human nature to look. I look, for heaven's sake, when there's a lot of cleavage...you can't HELP it...and I'm no where near lesbian...so, no...I don't know...it doesn't really mean anything to me." And I don't think it does. But, it's odd to have to come to terms with people LOOKING at you again.

Has anyone else had to work through that? I know you have, ladies... come on and share... how do you get completely comfortable with people looking at you again?

Ah, speaking of "looking..." I did something I thought I'd never do again...I bought a full length mirror. Unless you've ever been REALLY overweight, you may not get this concept. I had a hard enough time looking at myself in the bathroom mirror, let alone my WHOLE body. So, this is big (ha! I'm full of puns!).

Well, I'm arf to do a quickie 15-20 minute exercise session before showering and heading into school. I enjoy these leisurely days...I think I'll get to school about 9:30 or so. Ahhhh....

Cheers,

FatMom

Day 221...guess what? Still 185

2008-08-03T14:35:00.000-07:00

Duck visit was good...so great to see my babies! My girl (the one with the lame foot) is limping more that she was in June when I took her up to the sanctuary. But I think that's because she doesn't like the ground she's on...she's used to soft grass, and I think that helped her foot. The middle toe--the deformed one--looks more swollen and pronounced, too...the ground is hard, packed earth, with tiny pebbles strewn about (in a natural way, not because they put rocks out there). No wonder she spends so much time in the pond...must be soothing to her foot.

They were wary of me, which is good...I brought them their favorite foods, and they ate happily...well, they ate once another duck decided to try it...they they dove right in. It was nice to see them enjoy their treats (melon, cucumber, zucchini, romaine lettuce, Cheerios). They get along with the other ducks, but they let them all know THEY'RE in charge...glad to see they are not getting pushed around!

I think I'll offer my foster duck mom some sod later this month when I go up for a visit. She's a special lady to do what she does...I'm so thankful!

In other news (a la Tom Tucker), we got the treadmill up and running (ha! a pun!!)...took a fitness test, which measures your fitness age. Recall, ladies and gents, that I am 38. My fitness age is 23 (?!). I was surprised...and a bit skeptical! I guess my heart recovers nicely, though, after aerobic activity...I guess I haven't damaged the ole ticker too badly, which I was concerned about, seeing as how I have likely taxed it by being fat, thin, fat, thin, fat, fat, fat...Any-whooo, did 3.5 miles, and I feel awesome!!

Thinking about doing a little shopping this lazy Sunday...seems that I always have either too many tops and not enough bottoms, or vice versa. Right now, I have too many bottoms. I need shirts, y'all!!

Thanks to all my cyber friends for your continued and unwavering support. You all are d'bomb!

Sweatily yours,

FatMom

Day 218...185...but I'm not surprised...

2008-07-31T10:19:00.000-07:00

Today I get to see my ducks!!! Ohhhh, friends, I am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited! Last month, when I had to give them up, I was beyond devastated...my sister told me to think of it like how it will be when my kids go to college...I've given them a good foundation, and now they're not really gone, per se, but they're experiencing a new way of living. They still love me... (Ah, that reminds me of a discussion on NPR the other day, when they had an author on and he was talking about how we (especially Americans) have humanized our animals and look to them for validation and love because we live in such an existentialist society. He says the animals don't really LOVE us in the traditional/western sense...and what they're really thinking is: when do you feed me? Well, I don't know about that 100%, but...interesting....)

ANY-way, I hope I get a sense that they are thinking: Hey, Mom! Good to see you...we're happy here! Don't worry about us!

I know, I know...I'm a dork...hey, speaking of, have you ever looked up the word "dork" in the dictionary...for it's TRUE meaning? Very funny...

Treadmill DID come yesterday! It'll sit in a box for a week, though...the dumb mat it will sit on won't come for 9 more freaking days! I should just cancel the mat and go to the sporting goods store and buy one. Same thing... I may do that...

Not being super focused on diet/exercise lately...been too caught up in last minute things for school. Soon, soon...I will be back on track...

Spoke with my doctor yesterday. She called me ( I KNOW!) to tell me my thyroid levels were still not quite where she'd like them, and upped my meds again. So, we'll see...

Hang in there, gang...we're heading into the 'dog days of summer...' Gonna be a steamy one...

Cheers,

FatMom

Day 217...still 185

2008-07-29T16:23:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I didn't end up getting the treadmill I spoke of yesterday. I went to go get it, and lo and behold, it was the LAST one Sports Chalet had...I could have the floor model for a smokin' price, BUT, with no warranty available. No thanks...Went to Sears...can I tell you, I dislike Sears very much...the two that I liked THERE were also THE LAST ONES...floor models. SO, I had to come home and pick one off the internet. Through Sears.com, no less. I sure hope I don't regret the following words: Sears.com was a decent experience, even when I had to call customer service to let them know they overcharged me...they were very lovely. It's supposed to be delivered tomorrow (?!), but we'll see...(photo above is the one I selected...it has the iFit program, built in iPod docking area, and a bunch of other crap I'll probably never use...)

Spent the whole day in the classroom, trying to make heads or tails of what's all in there. I'm moving into a new classroom, and my co-teacher, whom I adore...is a little disorganized.

Tonight I'm having a (VERY) belated birthday dinner with a friend, while the fam goes to see the new(ish) Batman movie. Should be a nice evening!

Ohhhh, and guess what?! I get to visit my ducks on Thursday! I cannot TELL you how excited I am!!!

Big love,

FatMom

Day 216...185 lbs.

2008-07-28T09:24:00.000-07:00

Ohhhh, happy day! Today, I purchase my treadmill! I'm uber excited about it!!! That's a picture of it up there. It has a t.v. in it, so...I'm going to have to have the cable company run a line to it, no? Yes, of course...You know what would be super cool? If it had closed captioning on the t.v. screen! Because I don't like to listen to the t.v., just watch it sometimes. I prefer to rock out to my iPod when I'm on the 'mill. Yippeee!!!

In other news (channeling Tom Tucker)...nice weekend. Had the boy's birthday party; we combined it with his best friend's birthday, which was yesterday. We went out to a place that's more or less a giant warehouse, except the floors and walls are trampolines. The kids get a great workout and they don't even know it! They have a dodgeball court, which is super fun. I think I'm going to try their aerobics classes. They're only $5, and I think that's because most people can only last 5 minutes! ha!

What else...oh! I went to a play yesterday. It is called The 9 Parts of Desire. Sounds sexy, huh? Not at all...it is about 9 different Iraqi women and their thoughts on life AS an Iraqi woman in modern times. Very powerful. It was all monologues...at one point, one of the women says (they're talking as if they're having conversations with American women--paraphrasing here): "You Americans...you have guilt. You give and give and give and give...to all kinds of causes...because you're guilty. It helps you to deal with your guilt." At another point, they're all on stage speaking as 1st generation Iraqi-American women, who have strong ties with their Iraqi families...they're talking about watching the war footage on t.v.; they're talking about how they're in the middle of a pedicure and the lady (American) next to her says: Oh, this war, it's all so depressing...please turn it off! Or they're running on the treadmill at a gym watching footage of the war; footage of Iraqis running for their lives, while she's running on a treadmill in a posh gym...

See, I do have guilt. I DO think about these things. WHY was I so fortunate to be born in America? Why is it that some people wake up in the morning wondering if they'll live to see sunset? How can people live after their husbands have been killed, their sons kidnapped for use as foot soldiers, their daughters raped? It boggles my mind.

SO, I enjoyed the play.

Other than that, pretty quiet weekend. I'm excited about getting back to exercise after a near two week lapse due to the eye thing. In addition to the treadmill, I'm also getting one of those heavy bags...you know....the kind where you punch and kick it and it hardly moves? Like smacking a wall. I told my husband about it last night, and he said: Why are you so angry? (he was joking)... I said I'm not angry...I just want to punch stuff.

Enjoy, friends~

FatMom

Day 212...186!!

2008-07-24T09:11:00.000-07:00

Holy crap! 186 pounds, even if it IS that TOM for me?! Jeez, this not working out is starting to make me nuts in more ways than one...I did take a decent walk last night, but it really wasn't a "work out," per se. Daughter had a friend over, and for some reason, pre-teen girls love to walk up to their former elementary school and reminisce? Well, whilst they shared memories on the swings, I walked the perimeter of the playground/fields over and over with the dog. That was enjoyable. Of course when we got back, I had a brownie sundae. See, when I get bored, I do things like try to find the PERFECT vegan brownie recipe. Still can't find one. But after the latest concoction baked, I tried it and concluded it would taste better IN something. Like, say....in a sundae! So, that's what we did when we got home last night from my walk. *sigh* I REALLY need to get a hobby...

Today I will haul these girls into school so that I can work for a couple of hours, then we'll gather up a pal for my son and swim our hearts out all afternoon. THAT's what the day holds...

I know you're jealous...

Oh, wait! Good news...I can SEE again! Yippeeeeeeee!!!!

Have fun,

FatMom

Day 210...184 pounds

2008-07-22T14:55:00.000-07:00

I'm really missing the gym and working out in general. I can't see due to my eye infection, and have not been able to see since Thursday...I don't think it would be a good idea for me to work out when I can hardly see. Even without the eye infection, I have noticed that when I jog, if I'm not fixated on a spot just a few inches in front of me, my brain (eyes?) makes me feel that I'm all wobbly and almost dizzy. If I persist, it gets better, but the first couple of minutes, man...I feel like I'm drunk or something.

Nothing really new around here...I miss my ducks...

Blah, what a boring post! I'm sure you're SO glad you read this!

NOW, go have some REAL fun!

Kisses,

FatMom

Day 209...185 lbs.

2008-07-21T09:04:00.000-07:00

I'm not going to freak out...185 is a gain, BUT...two things to keep in mind/know: 1) I do believe Aunt Flo is going to knock on my door here in the next 48 hours, so, that's likely 3 pounds or so...and, 2) I've also eaten WAAAAYYYYY more than usual this last week. I always feel as if I am STARVING a few days before my period starts, and no amount of intellectual self talk can bring me off the ledge of the food orgy in which I gleefully place myself. THIS is why I gain/lose the same freaking 5 pounds every month. If, somehow, I could not give in to the siren song of food during the week before my period, I'm sure I could actually lose (!!) real weight. Does anyone else have this problem? How have you solved it?

The zits are sloooowwwwllly leaving my face. But several of them grew into giant dinosaur eggs, and, as is the case with me, I will have a red mark on my face for the next 6 months. Would a chemical peel help that? I may do laser...I don't know. I think I'll also get some Restalayne (sp?) injected into my top lip...anyone else use that? Oh, and a little Botox around the eyes and nasal-labial (ha!) folds. Maybe in a year or two...

Listen to THIS...about twice a year, one of my eyes (usually my left, for some reason) gets all annoyed...it gets really red, it tears like an open spigot, is super sensitive to light and HURTS like crazy...well, it happened again on Thursday evening. I was sitting on the couch eating popcorn when I noticed it. Thought I'd gotten some salt in my eye...washed and washed out my eye. Squirted Visine in there, took a Q-tip around the inside upper lid (which I do not recommend to anyone who is not used to putting things in their eyes)...you name it, I tried it. Got into see my (new) eye doctor on Friday. He popped in a little numbing liquid (THANK YOU, Dr. Kim!!) and my eye felt sooooo good, I could've jumped on him and kissed him at that point...then he uses his eye magnifying equipment and says: Oh, whoa...you've got a MAJOR infection here. And by the looks of your eye, you've had this before. You've got scars all over this eye.

Whoops...those other times, and even this time, I didn't think it was infected. I always associated infections with icky, gloppy, slimy, gross stuff. The stuff pouring out of my eye was simply clear tears. Oh, jeez... So, I spent the weekend in a dark room with my eyes closed. Alternating antibiotics and steroids. I get my recheck today, and I sure hope I'm ok. While it doesn't hurt anymore, and the eye looks normal, I can still feel it a little bit. Feels like a grain of sand is stuck in my upper lid. *sigh* I'd REALLY like to be able to SEE again...I've read everything I can get my hands on here in the house.

What else....not a whole lot. Winding down on summer already. Have to have my classroom finished by July 31st, and it's going well. My co-teacher is awesome, and she's been a great help. We need to be finished so that we can help other teachers put their classes together. We've done a lot of classroom construction/reconfiguration, and they'll need help getting their stuff set up. We need to be totally done by August 7th. Jeez, that's not far away...WHERE did the summer go?

Tomorrow I meet with a family of a child who has Down syndrome/Autism Spectrum Disorder. Hoping to glean some useful info there...

Missed Everyone,

FatMom

Day 205; weigh in tomorrow, but it's not gonna be pretty!

2008-07-17T09:02:00.001-07:00

So, I'll weigh in tomorrow (Friday), bit it's nearly my TOM, so...I doubt it's going to be anything worth jumping up and down about. I am SO stuck, losing, then gaining back, the SAME 5 pounds over and over again. It's been this way since November. NOVEMBER, y'all! "November," as in: pumpkin pie, turkey (well, Tofurky for me), stuffing, cranberry sauce...stressing out about holiday shopping. THAT November. *sigh* I've got to figure out WHY I don't seem to want to lose anymore, because clearly it's ME that's keeping me from losing more.

In other news (a la Tom Tucker), something is going on with me, though...maybe it was posting my ACTUAL picture, making me feel all brave...I don't know...anyway, guess what I did last night? No, no...not THAT...gross...I took a belly dancing class last night. It was fun. It was difficult. It was hot in that room. I was sweating. It's not so easy to isolate your tummy muscles and NOT move your hips. But, I pressed on. I figured that I should use my God given ample hips for something useful, and perhaps get those tummy muscles in better shape. I think it'll work!

What else...OH! I got my whole face waxed on Saturday (I hate hair...take it off my arms, too...no, I don't have Sasquatch arms, I just hate hair) for the first time. Little did I know...one should not put ANYthing on their face for 24-48 hours afterwards, lest she want to greatly up the chances of a major breakout. Well, the sweet little gal who did my face neglected to tell me that, despite me talking about how I had an important event THAT NIGHT (read: lotion, make up...). Sure as shit, by Sunday, the zits were forming. By Monday, it was a full blown, look like I'm 14 years old, attack. I look like hell right now. I've raided my son's zit cream cabinet and have been trying to get it under control. Note to self: in the future, get this done on a Friday night...

Today I've got a friend coming over for lunch. I haven't seen her in months, and...get this...she lives ONE block away from me. So sad... Then, we're off to swim late this afternoon. Should be fun!

Enjoy, enjoy~

FatMom

Day 204...I'll weigh in on Friday...

2008-07-16T08:33:00.000-07:00

Awwww, you girls are so sweet. Thanks for being so kind about my picture.

Onward,

FatMom

Day 203...weighing in more towards the end of the week...

2008-07-15T08:55:00.000-07:00

Got to school yesterday, and the wall was already sanded! Lucky me! Now, today, I'll go in and paint. Then hit the ole gym...went last night...my right knee has been bothering me ever so slightly since Saturday night. I'm wondering if it was the car ride (3.5 hours worth) to and from the reunion? That's the only thing different I did...but, I press on! It's not really all that bad, I just get worried I'm doing permanent damage...one of my fears is that I'm going to be 60 and not be able to get out of bed. THAT's a huge part of the reason I have embarked on this journey to lose weight and get in shape. I don't want to be one of those "old" 60 year olds! (Like my MIL) I want to have fun, fun, fun way into my sunset years, people! I want to take care of grand kids and not have my kids be concerned that I won't be able to catch them should they dart into the street, for instance.

So, you asked for it...here's my picture from the reunion; I just cropped everyone else out. If you want to see it bigger, just click on it. I didn't know how to make it bigger without distorting it... (I'm feeling very self conscious right now):

TTFN,

FatMom

Day 202...not weighing for a few days...

2008-07-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

Wow, where to begin?? Baby boy's birthday on Friday was wonderful! He was so happy with his gift and his favorite foods. My sister, whom I'm super close with, came over and enjoyed the celebration with us. For her (and me), I made vegan Jamaican black bean burgers that were incredible. Had a little spicy avocado on top of those lovely patties, and away I went into bliss-ville. The vegan carrot cake (and vegan chocolate cupcakes) are always a hit with the family, and were devoured in short order. Great day!!!

I even ran 2.5 miles after all that food. Wouldn't say that was a smart idea, but I did it!

Saturday I had a haircut/highlight/eyebrow/face wax. They worked me over from head to toe. I always enjoy my salon experience. I was happy, as usual, when I left the shop.

Decided on the more demure print for the reunion. And only because the more tropical one's straps were slightly loose, and kept falling nearly off my shoulders, therefore exposing the ole boulder holder. Not so pretty. I need some of that double stick tape to keep everything together. I love that dress, though, and wished I could've worn it. BUT, the more demure print dress was also nice. It did show quite a bit of cleavage...I tried to relax about that, saying: FatMom, you're 38 years old...it's not as if you're 17. It's OK to show a little chest. Ok, ok...

We did take a few pictures, but...I haven't seen them yet. If they're ok, I will consider posting. HOWEVER, I don't know how to blur out everyone else's faces. Hmmm...

The reunion itself was lovely, though. I did have a nice time. Everyone was super friendly. The girls looked ok. Not great, but ok. I think it's because a lot of them smoke. Probably as a way to stay thinner? I don't know...but it sure shows on their faces. Man, I'd rather be a bit chubby and have nice skin than be thinner and have my skin look like crap because I've smoked since the 80's. The guys? HOLY CRAP...most of them looked like hell. And they were either SUPER thin, or pretty gosh darn chunky. I like a man to feel like a MAN when I hug him...not like a twig I may crush. Not many attendees looked HEALTHY...But nice? Yes, everyone was lovely. Good time...

Not going to weigh for a few days. I actually drank some alcohol at the reunion, and couple that with some dessert and salty foods, and...well, you can guess the rest. Got to give my body a few days to come back down to normal.

Gonna be busy the next few weeks. My son is taking a class at the state university three days a week, and today is his first class. That's at 1...so, I'm arf to school to sand a wall...I know you're jealous...admit it...

Ciao,

FatMom

Day 199...180

2008-07-11T10:10:00.000-07:00

My little food indiscretion last night got me an extra pound of water weight, I'm sure! Isn't that funny? Actually, I was surprised it was only a pound. I FEEL puffy today, though!

Today is my baby boy's birthday!!! He's 13 today! 13 years ago, right about now, I was walking the hallways to try and speed up the labor. He was a month early...wasn't expecting him to come at that time, but he's always hated small, cramped spaces! I'm so proud of my kidlet, I just can't even express it. He's a ray of sunshine on the darkest day.

His birthday dinner tonight will consist of his favorite foods. I figured out how many calories I will likely consume, and I'm estimating around 1200 for ONE MEAL! I'm going to think of ways to cut that down...I know it's a celebration, but...I don't need to eat ALL of my normally allotted calories in one meal, folks...especially not with the reunion only 24 hours away! I'll be puffed up like a poison toad!

So...pictures? The truth is, I don't have a camera. My husband does. And to ask him to take a picture of me sounds silly and vain. If I happen to have one taken at the reunion, though, I will seriously consider posting it. I've asked for a camera for birthdays, Christmas, etc...for a few years now... guess the husband doesn't think I need one, because I've never gotten one. Suppose I'll need to buy it myself.

Enjoy,

FatMom

Day 198...179 pounds

2008-07-10T22:43:00.000-07:00

Uh-oh...I went into a department store today hoping to find a small, brown clutch to carry at my reunion on Saturday. No such luck...of course not...I went in looking for something SPECIFIC. What I did find was another killer dress. Now I have a dilemma...do I wear the rather loud, somewhat tropical type dress, or do I wear the more "fade into the background" print? Now, I do need to mention that the latter dress hugs me in all the right places...in fact, when I put it on for daughter and husband tonight, they both said (separately)...oh, wow...wear THAT one!

It's ever so slightly tight, though...and I just wonder how comfortable I'm going to be in it for several hours having to suck in my stomach? (not a big fan of girdle type contraptions...) Hmmm...what to do...what to do...well, I'll decide the afternoon of the reunion. Which ever one seems to call out to me, I guess.

Quickie workout again today! Sooo busy these last few days. But, I snuck in 2.25 miles, so that's not soooo bad. We went out to pizza tonight due to a party for my son's class. I got the vegetarian, super thin crust and NO cheese. It was delish! But, I don't know if the soda I drank with dinner (I never drink soda) just overloaded me with sugar, because within 2 hours, I was starving! Had to have another couple of (small) pieces of the pizza, hummus and crackers and some (vegan) ice cream, too! Jeez, what is UP?! It's not hormones...maybe I'm starting to feel stressed about the reunion?

I put away nearly 1900 calories today. But I'm not going to stress about it. It'll all be fine.

Enjoy, cyber-pals~

FatMom

Day 197...180 pounds

2008-07-09T23:56:00.001-07:00

Made it to the gym today. Had a VERY busy day and could've easily decided to skip the ole work out, but...I knew it would be a far, far better thing for me to get that work out in. So glad I did!

I'm bummed that I'll need to cancel my gym membership next month. Next school year is going to be exceedingly busy for me, and I know myself...I'm not going to want to rush home after school, supervise daughter's homework, cook/clean/do other household stuff, and THEN go to the gym. I just won't do it. I know myself. Mornings won't work at all... I have GOT to get a treadmill here for the house. But how... I can't do with a cheapo $400 one. Belts aren't wide enough, the machine isn't heavy enough... There's not too many things I'll spend money on... my hair is one of them, and, me thinks...good gym equipment is the other one. I'll shop sales for clothes until my feet are blistered. I'll visit 25 web sites to get the best deal on a hotel. I'll drive an 11 year old mini van. I use coupons at WALMART, for heaven's sake! I wouldn't call myself "cheap," though. "Careful" is more the word I'd use ;~)

Got an email from my best friend of 32 years about our reunion on Saturday. I shared with her that I was feeling less than stellar about myself right now, and that I was hesitant to go. She told me that EVERY person she's talked to about the reunion has expressed similar thoughts about themselves. Seems no one is immune... Inside we're all the same awkward, unsure 12 year old.

FATINAH asked if I'd post a picture of myself dressed for the reunion. (deep breath) Gosh, I don't know. It's so hard to LOOK at myself, especially in a photo. But maybe. No promises. The dress, though...I like it!

Toodles,

FatMom

Day 196...181 pounds!

2008-07-08T23:20:00.000-07:00

My July goal was to be 177 by July 20th. So, that's in about 11 days...I'm not sure I can lose 4 pounds in 11 days, and especially not right before Aunt Flo makes her monthly pilgrimage. BUT, I will persevere...and work hard...

Did not get to the gym today. I was bummed. And, the next few days are freakishly busy...I do believe I can make it tomorrow (Wed), (Th), but for sure not Fri/Sat. Jeez, did I tell you Saturday is my 20 year high school reunion? I really was waffling about whether or not I wanted to go. I've been wallowing in extreme self doubt the last few weeks, and...I just wasn't so sure I should go. I was 112 pounds when I graduated from high school. I'd recovered well from my bout with anorexia...physically at least. I recall feeling like a cow at 112 pounds (I'm 5'5"). I wouldn't let my boyfriend see me in a very demure 1 piece bathing suit. I wanted to lose 10 pounds. Funny how our minds never fully recover...it's a battle every day. Within a year of my high school graduation, I made the shift into overeating. And I more or less stayed in that realm for the next 15 or so years, with varying weights (when I'd gain too much, I'd go back to anorectic behavior, then, after I'd lose a lot of weight, I'd gain it all back and then some...) So was my pattern from about 19 to 24. At 24 I got pregnant with my son, and...well, for the first time in my life I was encouraged and expected to eat. So, I did. With great abandon. Two back to back pregnancies, a marriage that was/is in one state of failure or another, and too many nights of seeking solace in a bag or bowl, and the next thing I knew, I was 250, 26o pounds.

At my 10 year reunion, I was about 220 pounds. I was horrified to see the photos. So, based on how I looked 10 years ago, I look WAY better. But, still...I feel, not good enough. I've never felt "good enough." I grew up in one of the richest cities (town, really) in the world. I went to school with the children of MAJOR celebrities. Kids who had access to money and illicit items because their parents were too "busy" or stoned themselves to care. It was a screwed up childhood. In a way more screwed up because I was SOOOOOOOOOOO poor. My family literally lived in a shack. We had no heat, no air conditioning, holes in our roof where rain would drip in and collect in the multitude of buckets we'd place all around, half of our windows were broken out, no insurance (I didn't see a doctor until I was in my mid twenties...not even when I was so sick I was coughing up blood)...it would get so cold in our house you could see your breath as you were bathing. I'd have to wear two pairs of sweats, mittens and a hat to bed in the wintertime just to kind of stay warm. It was bad. And all the kids at school knew it. I was a leper. I did have some lovely friends, and I always had a boyfriend, so it wasn't all bad...but I have a lot of self doubt, and I wonder if it comes from that partly? This feeling of never being good enough; never doing enough; never being enough...

So, it's kind of hard to see these people who were not so kind to me. They weren't outright "mean," so that's good...but, they made sure to let you know you were not in the same class as they were. We had a very distinct and clear caste system.

But maybe I'm just narcissistic? I bought a new dress today just for the occasion. A size 14, y'all! And, it's not even the slightest bit tight! I think it's pretty cute. I hope I look ok. I hope no one notices me. Hmmm...yes, maybe THAT's what I'm hoping for. I wonder how many of these dudes are bald? Fat? Wrinkly? Hmmm... Well, maybe no one will even remember me... Nah, not likely...we only had 102 in our graduating class, and most of us had gone to school together since Kindergarten...

Narcissistically yours,

FatMom

Day 195...182, but ALMOST 181!

2008-07-07T09:58:00.001-07:00

Quickie post today...meeting with daughter's neuropsychologist this morning to go over the 8 hours of testing she did with her last month...

Reading my cyber pal, FATINAH's, blog this morning, and...check out what she wrote: For almost 16 years I've been someone that wanted to lose weight. I don't know how to be someone who is happy with them self. Nothing like a little self-sabotage to fix that!

Whoa...that's awesome...reminds me of a line (paraphrasing) from one of my favorite movies (Closer):

Bawling boyfriend who's just lost girlfriend, to jerk who "stole her:" Let Anna be HAPPY. She wants to be HAPPY.

Jerk: No she doesn't. She's a depressive. Depressives don't want to be happy, because if they WERE actually happy, they wouldn't have anything to be depressed about.

Yeah...I agree with FATINAH...I've been so concerned about my weight for SO long, sometimes I just don't know how to handle going from super fat, to pretty chunky, to mighty chubby to decent. The more attention I get, the more I panic. Well, panic and elation mixed together. I want to be healthy (check). Now I have that. Now I want to be more attractive. Mmmm...getting there, and I'm not so sure I like it. I've forgotten how much attention one gets, and I'm feeling uncomfortable with it. Makes me feel vulnerable more than it makes me feel powerful. Scary. So, I make sure I don't REALLY get into the realm of "attractive." I'm only on the periphery. That seems safe. But I don't want to be SAFE. I want to live...

More later, friends~

FatMom

Day 193...183 big ones this morning

2008-07-05T10:53:00.000-07:00

Can I tell you something? I HATE The 4th of July, AKA Independence Day. Am I unpatriotic? No... Do I hate my country? No... Am I some sort of Scrooge? Maybe... See, here's the thing: I cannot stand the bullshit that surrounds holidays--this one or any other one. I can honor my country from the comfort of my couch, thank you very much; I don't need to light a $100 bill on fire in front of my house (AKA "fireworks") to let the world know I love my country. I don't need to eat food likely strewn with food borne illness at a BBQ in 110 degree heat to show my patriotism. I'm not excited about going to the lake with a zillion other nasty people as an exhibit of my fondness for the land that I love. Do I get teary when I sing the Star Spangled Banner? Yes... Do I bawl like a baby when I see soldiers coming home from a tour in the middle east? Yup... But I don't need to do what every other American sap is doing to prove that I'm patriotic.

I've always fought the norm. I cannot stand being like all the other lemmings here in the US. THAT'S what this country is all about: the freedom to be an individual. Except, that's not the truth. This country doesn't want you to be an individual. They want conformity. Of course I suppose that's the way it is everywhere, not just here.

Now, don't get me wrong...I don't walk around with piercings in my face, 4" clear plastic stripper shoes, or Rainbow Brite hair. (Though when I do meet people with these types of fashion statements, I admire that...and realize it is just a fashion statement, and is not indicative of them as PEOPLE. I hate it when people get so caught up in how someone LOOKS that they can't see they're talented, intelligent, capable/productive citizens. I mean, jeez...Jeffrey Dahlmer looked like every other John Doe on the planet, and he was super freaky-deaky.)

I won't conform if I don't want to. This stubborn nature of mine has caused quite a bit of havoc in my personal life, but I figure that if I want to be able to sleep at night, I've got to do what I believe in. Maybe this stubborn quality stems from the fact that I felt overpowered as a child. Controlled. I cannot STAND that feeling; so much so that if I detect the slightest hint of it, I freak out. Please understand that I hate feeling like I'm being controlled, so out of respect for my fellow humans, I won't try to exert control over them.

(What an odd post today...)

In patriotic solidarity,

FatMom (AKA Scrooge)

Day 191...still at 182

2008-07-03T10:44:00.000-07:00

Back at the gym again last night with my baby boy. He hangs out with me on the cardio equipment, but really enjoys the weights a lot more. He is a wee bit stronger than I am, and he loves to shove that in my face! His favorite piece of equipment is the pull up machine. You know, the one where you put in your body weight (or slightly less) and do pull ups in an assisted manner...he also loves any machine that works his abs. This kid has NO body fat...never has...so he's looked like an A&F model since he was 3 years old. I think he rather enjoys this fine distinction...

In food news, I'm doing ooohhhkkkkkaaaayyyy....I find that working out at night (just like you, TigerLily) is hard on me, since when we come home from the gym, I'm ready for a 2nd dinner, and I don't always make good choices. Now, we do tend to stay up VERY late, so it's not like I'm going to bed on a full tummy, but...I don't think that 2 blueberry muffins, despite the fact that they're low fat/low sugar, are such a good idea at midnight. I think more REAL food is in order if I must eat when we get home from the gym and I'm starving. Great idea from FATINAH to eat a banana. I should eat it in the car on the way home...

In duck news, I called my babies' adoptive mom last night, and she said they are doing beautifully. Swimming in the pond, eating with the rest of the crew, getting along with everyone. I'm soooooooooooooooooooo happy!!!!!!!!! I miss them a lot, though. Already counting down the days to my first visit!

Well, I'm arf to "work" at school...as a parent, I have 70 hours/school year I need to volunteer, and I try to get it all done during the summer because I'm too busy to do it during the school year. As if, at 3:30 p.m., after working all day, I'm going to say: Oh, I think I'll stay another couple of hours! Yeah, right! Get me HOME!!!! So, off to "work," then the gym. I also get to pick up my pictures...I took a billion duck pictures last week...

Enjoy,

FatMom

Day 190...182

2008-07-02T10:09:00.000-07:00

Ok, so you know how sometimes when you're doing something, that little voice in your head says: Uhhh, NOT a good idea! And, yet, you ignore said voice of reason?

Yeah...I had myself a little snack last night I shouldn't have had.

I knew I shouldn't do it. I knew it as I was WALKING into the kitchen. I KNEW it when preparing it. I KNEW it as I was eating the FIRST reasonable serving. And I REALLY knew it when I went back AGAIN for a 2nd round.

*sigh*

Sometimes I wonder...

But, on the bright side, I did work out last night. My sweet son, who is soon to turn 13, said he'd like to go with me. So, we worked out side by side last night. I love looking over at my baby and seeing him doing good things for his body. He decided a little PT was in order to help make the final leap (ha! pun!!) into complete healing for his ankle. He's not a very physical kid, unless you count his fingers, which he uses a lot for gaming/computer. I'll bet he's got fingers of steel...

Cheers,

FatMom

Day 189...182 pounds

2008-07-01T09:45:00.000-07:00

I got to the gym yesterday. Boy, did I need it! As you are likely well aware, life for me lately has been a bit difficult. And yesterday morning was NO exception....just when I thought things were getting better....listen to this:

So, you may recall I have a child with Down syndrome in my class next year. I've been researching my heart out trying to learn all about DS, how to work with a DS child, how to communicate with a DS child, etc... I decided very early on that what would likely work best with her is what would work best with ANY child who has learning issues/emotional issues/cognitive issues, etc...and that is to build a foundation of RELATIONSHIP with her first. That being said, I knew she would be in our school's care program for the summer and yesterday was to be her first day. I knew from talking to others that she was not a "typical" DS child. She does not like to be touched, she is not very friendly, and is somewhat difficult to approach. (she may have some Autism issues coming into play there...)

Well, in my infinite wisdom, what do I do yesterday? Ha! I see her sitting at a picnic table, reading the phone book, and I decide to introduce myself to her. So, I slide up to her and say "Hi..." Well, I only get the "h" sound out before she makes a noise not unlike a 2 year old who is hording a toy from another 2 year old, while she slides away from me. Undeterred, I begin again, "Hi, M..." and this time I barely get out the "hi" when she says: GO AWAY! LEAVE ME ALONE!

Ohhhhhkkkkaaaaay.... I stand up and say "OK" in a very bland way and walk away.

I wasn't expecting her to hug me and want to talk to me. But I wasn't expecting her to completely reject me, either. I was hoping for something in the middle. No eye contact...no conversation...that's a fine first step. But to figuratively shove me away? Not expecting that.

I left school wondering: Ok, FatMom...what did you do wrong? I decided that she needs to be approached more slowly. So, today I will go back and have one of the other staff members she seems comfortable with introduce me to her. And leave it at that. Walk away. But hang out nearby so she realizes I'm no threat. And I'll do that every day if I have to until she feels comfortable with me.

Now, the already wounded FatMom was a bit disheartened by this event. I sat in my car in front of the gym thinking: Why the f#*& does everything have to be so hard? Shed a couple of tears of self pity and then ran my heart out. Felt better after that.

I'm nervous, though. I'm in a very delicate time mentally. Too many unhappy events sets FatMom off on a spiral of self doubt, depression and paranoia. A regular trifecta of doom. A tornado of shit that sucks up everything in its path. I feel it starting, and I aim to stop that little mental health nightmare from sprouting.

Onward, my friends~

FatMom

Day 188...weight...183

2008-06-30T09:56:00.000-07:00

Thank you to everyone for your kind words and encouragement last week. I did have a shitty week, and, well...I do hope this week will be better.

Ducks were relocated on Saturday. The drive (once you got OUT of our large, ugly, sprawling city) was beautiful. Acres and acres of empty land. Which was beautiful. But it also made me a bit sad. Why? I guess because the land isn't being loved. (Yes, I'm weird) No one lives on it to make it their own. No herds of animals graze on it...for THAT I was thrilled AND sad...let me explain: Thrilled because open land + herds of animals = slaughter , SO...if there's no animals out there, there's no slaughter. But then my less naive mind kicked in and said: Duh, FatMom, open land - grazing animals = animals stuffed into tiny cages who will STILL be slaughtered. (SAD) I'm way too sensitive, I know...

ANY-way, the drive was lovely. The lady's property is lovely. She has quite a number of all types of fowl in various set ups and "yards." She has some who have health issues or physical issues which precludes them from being re-introduced to the wild. She has others that she will send back out into the wild blue yonder. But she will NOT let my two "go." My ducks didn't know quite what to do when we got there. In fact, they were literally shaking with fear. They were panting with fear, as well. (Yes, ducks can pant) But we stayed for over an hour (I would have stayed longer, but had a commitment back in our beloved city at a particular time), and they relaxed. They kept coming up to me, though, with a look of : Mom! WTF?! Please hold me! So, I'd stroke their bills and tell them (and myself) it was going to be ok. There was one VERY large Mallard drake there who has a girlfriend, but who likes to check out the other ladies, and when he got too close to my girl, my male chased him away! Pushed up ON that boy! I was sooo proud of my boy defending his girl like that. I felt a lot better after that, knowing that they would work hard to defend themselves if necessary.

The lady is so nice. I'm totally going to be her in 25 years. Except I don't know that I could release any of them, but that's another story...good for her for being able to do that... She even called me Saturday night to tell me they ate with the rest of the group, and went into their hutch on their own at bed time. So that also relaxed me a bit.

I'm already planning a trip up there in mid July. It's all I can do to keep from calling every day to see how they are. Just trying to relax. But it's hard. I miss seeing their bright little faces. I took a billion pictures of them. I feel that a piece of my heart is missing.

Jeez, can you imagine how I'm going to be when my kids move out? I'm going to need to be sedated...

*sigh* In other news...I'll be heading back to the gym today. I've missed it. I've allowed so many other things in my life to take precedence over my exercise routine, and that's not good for me. I'm concerned about next school year (which starts in August)...I will be working full time, and I know myself...I can't "leave" my kids to go exercise. So, what to do, what to do... I want to get a treadmill for the house and cancel my gym membership. I've got weights here, and I also have a bike. So...all I need is the treadmill. Ha! I've tried convincing the husband we need a treadmill, and that is just not going anywhere. He wants one of those fancy flat screen t.v.'s, and I've said fine. So, why not a treadmill? Welcome to my life...

Thanks again, friends~

With love,

FatMom

Day 185...weight? 182

2008-06-27T10:28:00.001-07:00

Today is June 27th. If I'd remained pregnant, today would have been my child's 15th birthday. I've never forgiven myself for this. Doubtful I ever will.

-FatMom

Day 184...Weight? Up...due to TTOM...

2008-06-26T13:24:00.000-07:00

My weight is up, and my mood is slightly elevated, as well. I am trying so hard to find the positives in my ducks' relocation. I know all the reasons I'm crying are largely selfish. You may recall that the only thing I quietly boast about is the notion that I care for animals much better than most people. I'm sure this kind lady will care for them more than adequately. I'm sure they will enjoy the "friendships" they're sure to develop. They'll have a chance to engage in normal duck behavior, such as raising a family (I wouldn't be able to let them do that here).

But I'm a mother. I worry. What if the other ducks are mean to them? (I'm sure some of you are laughing out there right now, but I'm serious) What if they don't get enough to eat? They've never been around other ducks...what if they get sick? What if they get cold in the winter? This area an hour up the road can have dustings of snow. I suppose they'll all bundle together for warmth, and she can put them in a locked shed. I'm sure she'll take good care of them. But she's elderly. What if she gets sick and/or injured and can no longer care for them? I wrote out a lengthy note to her today describing the ducks' personalities, their likes/dislikes, and I gave her every phone number known to man as a way of contacting me should she have ANY problems. She has promised to never adopt them out, nor to separate them, and I reminded her of that gently in the note. I was concerned I'd be too emotional on Saturday to convey my thoughts coherently, so I wrote out the "duck bio."

Yes, I'm the queen of "What If's."

Hmmm...let's try to turn that around...

What if they're happy? What if they enjoy their new life? What if they live a long and beautiful life on their mini farm? What if they enjoy my visits but aren't devastated when I turn to leave? What if I realize this IS the best thing for them? (can you imagine how I'm going to be when my KIDS leave the nest?! Oh, lordy...)

Ok, ok...better...

In other news...things are crappy right now, all around, which is likely making the duck departure that much worse. Those ducks made me SO happy, and now...they're leaving. Gonna have to find something else that makes me deliciously happy...

For those of you out there that wonder: jeez, she's a mother, right? What about her own human kids? Yes, yes, yes, I ADORE my kids. They are the light of my life. They make my heart beat and my eyes open in the mornings. They keep me going when I'd rather just lay in bed under a pile of covers. They make me want to make the world a better place. They MAKE me make the world a better place.

But I know I can't pile my "happiness" on them. I can't have my personal "happiness" rely upon them, because that's just not fair. They are of me, but they do not "belong" to me. I can't live vicariously through them. I can only try to show them a better path. That's hard, though. Experience is a bitch of a teacher, because she gives you the test BEFORE the lesson. But I try. They know I love them, and to me...that's the most important thing. I never was sure if my mom loved me or not. I think she did. Just in a different way than I needed, I think. I always wanted my mom to love me no matter what. I always felt her "love" for me was conditional. I wasn't allowed to be ME.

Oh, my...I just realized something! THAT's likely at the root of my life long dysthymia...I never feel that I'm free to be ME. I always have to try to be someone else, or a version of what I really am. Not my true, authentic self. An edited version.

Hmmm...got to work on that.

Best,

FatMom

Day 183...182 pounds of weepy FatMom...

2008-06-25T22:09:00.000-07:00

So, I found a duck sanctuary to take my beloved babies. It's an hour away. She rehabilitates ducks, and releases the ones that are "wild." The "domesticated ones" are found new homes. She keeps the ones too ill/old/injured to be adopted out. She has a pond. And an electric fence. 4 acres. She also has a shed she can lock them into at night for an extra measure of protection. She won't separate my two. She won't ever adopt them out. Says I can visit whenever I want.

But I'm still crying.

I'm trying to be positive. They'll have new friends. They'll have a real pond. They can raise a little family.

I know I'm just being selfish. I love them. I've never felt such unadulterated joy as I have with them. They always seem happy. They're always excited to see me. They don't want anything from me except a mud puddle. When I go out to the lawn to be with them, they'll curl up next to me and sleep while I read. Their chests pushed up against me...the softest thing you've ever felt outside of your own child's skin. The pure joy they exude when they swim around in their pool, splashing like a one year old baby in the sink...ahhhh, such happiness! And when they cock their heads to the sides to look at something...I'm telling you, you've never seen anything so adorable that didn't come from your own body.

Saturday morning...that's when they'll go. I sure hope whoever it was that called, is happy.

Blah,

FatMom

Day 182...183

2008-06-24T09:00:00.000-07:00

FatMom friends...I am CRUSHED. Absolutely devastated. Soooo sad. You may recall that I acquired some duck eggs in March. Two hatched, and I decided to keep them, for a variety of reasons. Mostly because I was/am madly in love with those two little peepers. They can't fly. One can't quack. One has a bum foot. In other words, they're VERY little impact. The husband, as you may recall, HATES animals. He told me I had to get rid of them. I just about died, because he said I could keep them. Then, a couple of weeks after that, he changes his mind and says: ok, you can keep them. I was so thrilled! That all occurred about a month ago or so.

Yesterday, I get a letter from our esteemed city, saying I am in violation of zoning codes by keeping livestock in my yard. I have two weeks to remedy (get rid of) the situation.

I honestly didn't have any idea I was in violation of zoning codes. It wasn't like I was keeping 20 of them, and that they were flying into the neighbors yards, or quacking 24/7. They make FAR less noise than the dogs around here, that's for sure. What piece of crap neighbor would call? None of them ever so much as came over or shouted over the fence: Hey! Do you have ducks over there? NO one I spoke to about the ducks ever said: gee, are you sure you can keep them in the city? Yes, I understand it's ultimately MY responsibility to find out for sure, but, jeez...you'd think someone somewhere along the line would've mentioned it. Maybe the feed store people? Someone at school? The lady I got the eggs from? The wildlife people who fixed the one duck's foot? Someone???!!!

So, now I have to find them a new home. And I am heartbroken.

With deep sadness,

FatMom

Day 179...I'm BAAAACK! Weight? Holding steady...

2008-06-21T09:57:00.001-07:00

Yipes, but it's been toooooooooooo long!! I've missed my online friends SOOO much!!! So many things have happened in the last month. I've been super busy...a few highlights:

1. Daughter enjoyed her class camping trip and didn't lose ONE tiny thing!

2. End of school came, and it all came out fine.

3. Birthday came and went with nary a blip on anyone's screen. Hmmm...

4. Graduation trip/vacation was ok. I felt sooo fat, though.

5. Continuing to work to get ready for next school year for a few more days. THEN, I'll relax for

about 5 weeks before I go back around August 1st to do a couple of more weeks of prep work.

6. Next year I'll have a child with Down syndrome, so I'm cramming to try to learn as much

about her and DS as I can!

7. I haven't done S&*# regarding exercise and weight loss since the beginning of MAY!!!!!

8. Daughter's neruopsych testing was...well, tough. She didn't/couldn't answer all the questions, so she just picked answers at random, which will more than likely produce an invalid test result due to her lack of participation. Grrr....

That's a quick synopsis of the good, the bad, the ugly and the indifferent.

On a related note, got some sucky news the other night... My FIL/MIL gave (yes, gave) me a nearly new van in December because, well, long story short...they were going to have to pay on a van that my SIL totaled, and they were so angry at her (for a LOT of reasons...all totally valid), that they didn't want her to have another vehicle that THEY were paying for. (They've purchased cars for both of my SIL's...they are losers! We've never asked for ANYthing from my in laws. Those two girls have sucked them DRY....they make their car payments, they help pay for their rent, they give them gas money at least once a week...we're talking about women who are in their mid thirties! I'm not joking here...)

ANY-way, in laws were going to have to continue to pay for a van whether they had one or not. So, they just picked up another van because it's better to pay for something someone can actually USE instead of paying for a "ghost" vehicle. They came over, unannounced, one night in December and just handed me the keys. No discussion before hand. Nothing. Just: Here...a gift! Well, you can imagine I was floored. I felt weird taking it, but knew that it was no skin of their nose...they were going to have to pay no matter what. So I was very grateful as my current van at the time was 11 years old and nearly on life support.

Well, fast forward 6 or so months, and my FIL has lost some accounts at his business. Guess what? FIL says: I can't pay for the van anymore. You're going to have to pay for it.

I'm upset. The reason WE didn't get a new vehicle was because we couldn't afford one. If we could have afforded one, we would have gotten one ourselves. So, HOW are we supposed to pay for this? $425/month? Yeah, right!

I never did get rid of my old van. It's still sitting in the driveway because I think I always knew in the back of my mind that this might happen. I just can't rely on others THAT much. Scares me. So, I have the very old (11 years old), ghetto van still. But it's going to die soon. It has 160,000 miles on it. Statistically it just can't last that much longer.

BUT, if we keep the new van and pay the $425/month for it, we can kiss the opportunity to order a pizza on Friday nights goodbye. And as far as taking off for a low budget weekend? Forget it. It will take everything we have to pay that. Do I really want that stress?

Grrr...but if I give it back to FIL and say: Here ya go! Thanks for the 6 months! won't I sound like a bitch? As in: Too bad for you! But then I think: hey, I had NO involvement in this vehicle purchase and NOW I'm responsible for something I never asked for in the first place! (BTW, the van is in FIL's name, not ours).

Ideas??

Latuh,

FatMom

Day 148...weight is the same...

2008-05-21T16:50:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I finally feel totally, completely normal again! Yippee!! Thanks for your caring comments!

Wow, it feels as if I've been "gone" for a long time. I just haven't had too much to write about. School is just about done for the year (about 3 weeks), so I'm sure I'll begin waxing poetic (and slightly depressive) when I have more time on my hands...oh, boy, I'll bet you're on the edge of your seat waiting for THAT! I aim to lose 20 pounds over the summer (about 60 days). Me thinks I can do it if me tries very hard. I just think 20 pounds would put me in the "really pretty healthy" range. Right now, at 183, I'm in the "more than just chubby" range. And I really just want to be healthy.

Ummm, what else? Daughter (5th grade) left today for a camping trip with her class for a few days. I miss her already. She's like a beam of light. Pleasant, and yet...it can burn sometimes, too! Got to be careful with that! She's got two big ole doctor appointments next month I haven't had the strength to tell her about yet. Two days worth of neurological testing (8 hours)...yikes! Poor baby. I just know I need to help her... Got into a tiff last night with the husband about that last night, because he's well aware that I am frustrated that he doesn't do ANYTHING to try to help her. I asked him a couple of months ago if he'd take a couple of classes related to her disorder (parent information classes), since I was taking 4...he said sure. (This is the FIRST thing I've asked him to do, because he has shown NO interest; it's me that reads a million books, that reads dozens of articles, that visits tons of websites, talks to a dozen teachers/special ed/learning resource specialists, that goes to a bunch of doctor visits for YEARS now)... So, last week was one of his classes. He went. Came home and said that he didn't think that class was relevant to EXACTLY what our daughter has. I said: Well, did ya say: Excuse me, Mr. Doctor, but how could that information be translated into THIS type of disorder? No... He just sat there and decided this class was a waste of time. So, the next class comes up and he ditches it to go boating with his friend. Something he'll get to do a dozen times over the next few months. YES, they'll offer the classes again at some point, but THAT's not really the point... I told him I was disappointed in how he handled that. That it is apparently more important for him to have fun that it is to hopefully glean some useful information out of a meeting that my be able to be utilized with the daughter. Oh, and not to mention it would have made me feel like he CARED about her and me. And that I feel this whole "figuring out how to help her" is on MY shoulders and my shoulders alone. He said: well, it seems that most of her issues are school related and since you handle the school stuff, it seemed like you were handling it all fine. STILL not the point. You have a kid who has a cognitive disorder...HELP HER! Don't just sit there and let me do it. Come up with ideas. SHOW ME you're interested.

Needless to say, that conversation didn't go really anywhere. I was left still feeling frustrated and unsupported.

Part of me didn't even want to bring up my disappointment in his not taking the 2 hour class. I KNEW it would morph into something else. Something where inevitably it was MY fault. Sure enough...blah....tired, tired...

What else? Stepson is graduating from high school in So CA in a few weeks. We'll go down for that. Lordy 5 days with the husband...as if that's not a challenge enough...we'll have to spend time with his ex-wife, too. Oh, boy. Tooooo much fun!

Looking forward to summer. I'm ready for a break. Quiet.

Best wishes, my friends~

FatMom

Day 146...183 big ones!

2008-05-19T15:31:00.000-07:00

So, guess what? I got that freakin' death flu! I am STILL dealing with the remnants of her visit, and...oh, weeeeeee, it was bad! But today...yes, TODAY...5 days later, I finally feel totally myself again! We're all healthy, and...soooooooooooo happy that's over! Hopefully it'll be another 7 years before we get the stomach flu again!

Flu was SO bad, I lost 7 pounds in 24 hours! And I wasn't the least bit happy about it, either! I mean, any other time, I'd be like: Oh, hooray! Despite the fact that I'd know it would come back within 24-48 hours...not this time. That's how sick I was. I said: God, I don't care if I never lose another pound, just please, help me feel better! Phew!

I will be easing back into the work outs again...maybe nearer the end of the week, though. We've got SOOOOOOOOOOOOO much going on in the next 30 days, it is imperative that I/we stay healthy.

Hope everyone is well, and that YOU'RE healthy!

Toodles,

FatMom

Day 140...weight...183

2008-05-13T11:01:00.000-07:00

Well, it's been a regular Vomitorium in my house the last few days. The daughter woke up on Sunday (Mother's Day...Hellllooooo!) puking her self into near unconsciousness. That was a mess! She doesn't know she's going to barf until it is coming out of her mouth (lucky her)...but unlucky me, as she managed to barf on nearly every piece of fabric we own. But, then...after about 18 hours, she pulled out of it. Thought I was in the clear by late yesterday and early this morning...figuring she had a case of food poisoning, then...WHAMMO! My son's teacher finds me on campus and says the boy just barfed all over the classroom's bathroom. Tell me...is there anything worse than barfing AT school? In front of your classmates? Noooo....I did it in 5th grade and have never forgotten it...And she said he looked pathetic, trying to hobble into the bathroom with his big ole cast on...so sad! Well, ohhhhkaaaaayyyy....and it's STAR testing week! THE worst week for us to be out. But, it'll be ok. The boy seems to be not quite as sick as the daughter, though I just checked on him again and he said he thinks he's gonna barf again soon (dang it! He just called me...Mom...here it comes! ) GAK! Poor babies!!!

Wish me luck...I sure hope I don't get it. I am NOT a good barfer. I lay there for HOURS hoping for death before I finally puke. HATE it.

Sorry to be gross...

Oh, and...the husband it forcing me to relocate my beloved ducks. Have I mentioned how much I ADORE those ducks? I am sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo sad. Saying I'm sad doesn't even come close to what I feel. I'm devastated.

Hope you are all healthy and enjoying the weather. Spring in northern California is SO beautiful!

Big lovin',

FatMom

Day 133...unknown weight

2008-05-06T14:19:00.000-07:00

Wow...why have I been soooo busy??

Farm Sanctuary weekend was a BLAST! Man, oh, man...what fun! The animals were cool to hang around, the food was fab, and the weather was lovely. That picture is the view we had. So great, especially for us city folk who have to STRAIN to see something besides buildings and cars. So, I've always been a very committed vegan, but after this weekend, I just am sickened to think I buy meat/dairy/eggs for my family to eat. I am contributing to the suffering by purchasing those items. I'm SUPPORTING an industry I abhor. How can I keep doing this?

Ah, well...

Son's ankle is doing ok. He got his full cast on yesterday, and he's already tired of it, though he doesn't complain. He takes care of himself...the only thing I do for him is carry his cereal bowl to the table for him. He's very self sufficient. One of the MANY things I love about him! Husband ripped a bunch of cartilage out of his knee the SAME day my son broke his ankle. Did I mention this? THEN, after coming home Sunday night from camping, I noticed our beloved hamster walking funny...it appears she may have chewed off one of her back feet...did it get caught in something? I'm so sad for her...but she seems to be ok. I've been checking on her a couple of times a day, making sure the wound is clean, giving her lots of high calorie foods to keep her strength up, and she's doing ok. But I'm just sick about it. I really don't want to euthanize her... I am positive she will be ok. I just have to be positive. But what a weird thing... Jeez, my family seems to have weird foot/leg issues...

I've been feeling odd for several days now. Not sick per se, but...something is just off. I think it's because I'm on my period, and the older I get, the harder it gets. I just feel funky! Hope to be back on track soon.

Hoping everyone is well~

FatMom

Day 128...weight...183

2008-05-01T21:53:00.001-07:00

GAWD! Where have I BEEN?? It's been absolutely nutso around here...a week since my last post. I've been working more than usual, getting ready for a weekend trip, and today...my 12 year old baby boy fractured his ankle. Mercy me...

SO, sorry my weight loss report has been delayed. I was at 183 last Friday when I weighed in. I may be higher than that now simply due to that TOM. Well, it's right around the corner. I expect the visit in the next day or so.

Going to Farm Sanctuary's big ole shin-dig this weekend. Should be fun. Going with daughter and sister. Looking forward to lots of awesome vegan food, hanging out with the cows and pigs and camping under the stars. Ahhh...don't cha wish you were me?? ha!

Enjoy, all!

xoxo,

FatMom

Day 121...weight? Find out tomorrow~

2008-04-24T16:50:00.001-07:00

So, FATINAH asked how I knew I was "stagnating." I know because I'm only doing my plan half assed. I'm exercising, but I'm overeating. A + B does not equal C here. I read somewhere that diet (caloric restriction as well as WHAT you're eating) is about 70% of the necessary component to weight loss while exercise is only about 30%. That was my problem all along, for the past several years. I'd exercise, sure...but I'd EAT like a hog in heat. I NEED to get A and B to work TOGETHER, and not in opposition to each other. THAT's when I can be successful. But my big problemo is that I EAT when I'm emotional (in any shape or form), and I'm an EMOTIONAL person, so...you can see the quandary. I'd love about 6 months of basically no emotions! HA! Yeah, that's what I need!! 6 months to take off the next 20-30 or so pounds.

But I do get down. I had such grand plans for the first half of 2008, and they all seem to have gotten tossed by the side of the road. Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men (and FatMom)...

Thanks for being so kind to me.

TODAY (and yesterday), I was good to myself. I exercised, and I ate on plan. Beautifully and simply on plan. Sometimes I need to remind myself that I will NOT starve. That hunger pangs are OK, and they will not KILL me. I'm trying to tap into a zen like mind set...like the one I get into when I run.

Thanks for caring,

FatMom

Day 119...not weighing...

2008-04-22T16:01:00.000-07:00

I think I need to change the title of my blog from "FatMom Is A LOSER" to "FatMom Is A Maintainer." Or "FatMom is STAGNATING." Or even "FatMom Is A Pissy Whiner."

Grrrr...

xoxo,

FatMom

Day 118...not so sure about the weight...

2008-04-21T13:40:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I read in some article that Ali on BL was working out 8 hours a DAY right at the end of BL. Good for her, but...come on! Get real! WHO can work out 8 hours a day unless that is your JOB? Even then...man...that just can't be healthy.

Today I heard a word I haven't used in a long time...you know how sometimes when you hear a word, you think: Cool word! I've got to use that more! Yes, well, I heard a word that described my mood lately: FESTER(ING). I added the "ing" for today. Fester. Awesome word. I've been festering. I don't like festering.

Lots o' love,

FatMom

Day 114...still "weighting"

2008-04-17T16:17:00.000-07:00

Not much goin' on... jeez, did you watch the finale of Biggest Loser on Tuesday? Good LORD! I stopped watching about 4 weeks into that show because I can't stand how they make a half hour show into 2 FREAKING hours! So, I hadn't seen the transformations as they happened. I have to say...I was horrified by Ali. She looked like an alien. She looked...well, odd to me. Was it her haircut? Her VERY dark (fake'n'bake?) skin? I'm not sure, but I didn't like how she looked. The others (except for that one brother...the one with the beard, who ALSO looked odd to me), looked great! I was so excited for them. I guess 99 or 150 pounds in 6 (SIX!!!) months is an awful lot of weight to lose in such a short period of time, and...well, you may just look weird for a while. Good for them... BUT, what I know NOW, though, is I'd never want to lose THAT much weight THAT fast...nope...no way. Jeez, if I lost more than 40 pounds in 6 months, I'd probably be able to tie my boobs around my neck in a bow tie.

In other news...well, there IS no other news. I continue to work out...and interestingly enough, I've had several people ask me this week if I'd lost more weight. NO! Strange...

Hope everyone is well,

FatMom

Day 111...not weighing in for at least 10 more days!

2008-04-14T16:09:00.000-07:00

A poem...especially for my cyber friends Kim and FATINAH...now maybe you've read this before, but, please, read it again...(yes, it's long, but...hey, that's ok):

You Are A Child of The Universe

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and stars; you have a right to be here.

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly, and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. (this is for FatMom)

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. (this is for FATINAH)

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. (for Kim & FATINAH)

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace with your soul. (for FATINAH)

With all its sham, drudgery,and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be careful. Strive to be happy.

You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. Max Ehrmann 1927

In peace,

FatMom

Day 108...188.6 pounds!

2008-04-11T15:45:00.001-07:00

Yipes...there it is, in black and white! 188.2. So...that's 10 pounds. Mercy me. Here's the other ugliness, just in case that number wasn't enough to make you cringe:

waist: 37.25"

my huge belly roll: 46"

hips: 42.25"

thigh: 24.75"

arm: 12.75"

No, I don't measure the boobs or the calves or the neck...my boobs are large, who cares if they shrink? Calves? Those don't change a whole bunch, and my neck? Well, I can see the changes there, quite easily.

I tend to gain and lose weight first in two distinct places: my face/neck and boobs. That's the FIRST place I'll notice any difference. Interesting...

I did work out 5 times this week! Yippeee!!! I am trying to ease back into things slowly, so I only logged 8.75 miles, but I did weights (alternating muscle groups) for those 5 days, too. Good, good... Food today has been on track. Feeling a little hungry, though, so I'd better go take care of that asap.

Wishing you well,

FatMom

Day 107...Even MORE than yesterday! How?!

2008-04-10T15:54:00.001-07:00

So, here's my plan...I figured I should have a PLAN...so here it is:

I have two very big events coming up in the next 3 months...yes, I know we shouldn't try to lose weight FOR events, and that's not actually, totally, what I'm doing...those two events are more of a calendar marker...a landmark of sorts, I suppose...ANY-way, one is in mid June, and the other one is in mid July. So, here's my plan, at least for the next 30 days, at which time I will re-evaluate and see if I need to tweak anything:

1. I will not weigh myself for at LEAST 2 weeks, preferably 4 weeks

2. I will eat in the range of 1450 calories a day

3. I will exercise, in one way or another, 5 times a week

At the end of the month, I will re-weigh and re-measure and possibly re-evaluate my plan.

Sound good? Good...

Latuh,

FatMom

Day 106...188.2 pounds! HOLY SH%&!

2008-04-09T16:24:00.000-07:00

Yes, you read that right! I know! 10 pounds I've gained in about a month. I am just shocked. Blown away...this happens to me every vacation (except summer). I eat when I'm stressed and/or depressed. And, boy, howdy, was I going nuts this last month. Things have gotten dramatically better for me in my personal life, but now I've got these food/eating habits again that I need to pound back into the ground. I just eat and eat without tasting the food, eating like a shark...a lot of food. Not a freakishly large amount of food, but...well, I guess it has been in order to GAIN 10 pounds (now, I am on my period, so, I'm hoping that has several pounds to do with it...). I also didn't exercise for a month. Bingo...what a freaking dork I am. I am just about the dumbest person around.

But here's the totally weird thing: I'm not actually berating myself senseless about it. I'm not happy with myself, but...I'm not loathing myself, because that's what would KEEP me in this place, and I don't want to stay here. I do, however, need to figure out a way to keep this pattern from returning again and again. SOOOOOO easy for me to gain 10 pounds, and SOOOOO hard for me to lose 10 pounds. Not easy come, easy go...

Take care,

FatMom

Day 102...Weight...low 180's...gasp!

2008-04-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

Well, I sure let myself go this vacation. A regular vacation while ON vacation. I aim to get back on track here when we return to the ole grind on Monday. Been eating not so well. But feeling fab emotionally. Icky physically. Not bad, but just...that "oh, man, I know I can feel so much better" feeling. I've also figured out at EXACTLY what weight I need to be at to have my belly roll return. Too funny...

I was talking to a very close friend of mine on Friday about losing weight, counting calories, etc...and I told her I really resist tracking calories because it reminds me of my anorexic days where I would obsessively count the VERY few calories I WOULD eat in a day (about 300 if you're wondering...sick, sick, sick...). ANY-way, she said she hates tracking too, and devised (or perhaps borrowed, I'm not sure) a plan where she has breakfast, lunch, dinner and snack cards labeled with options that fit into her daily calorie distribution so that she doesn't have to really count calories. Since most of us tend to eat the same basic handful of meals, BY GEORGE, I think it may just work! I shall give it the ole college try!

Spent yesterday at beautiful Muir Woods, located just north of SF. Man, oh, man...what a lovely place! You just sometimes forget that within a 2 hour drive of where you live, there are SO many wonderful things you may not even realize are there. We had a blast! One thing that struck me...they had a chunk of a tree trunk, showing it's various rings...and they labeled what major events were happening at that time in the tree's life...it was "born" in 909 A.D.! Freakin' A, that's just even hard to imagine. They had all kinds of other events labeled, such as Columbus sails to America, the birth of the colonies, and so much more that I can't remember. But...it just blew me a way. It makes my life seem so small. Such a nanosecond on the watch of the universe and all that. *sigh* It was super cool!

Well, got to get back at it~

FatMom

P.S.: OHHHHH...I wanted to tell you about a website I found... http://www.foodfacts.info/ SCARY stuff...I ate at Carl's Jr. today...I know, I know...can you BELIEVE the fat?! Good GAWD!

Day 97...weight? Didn't even look...

2008-03-31T10:53:00.001-07:00

So, today I'm feeling excited. I'm not totally sure why, except I feel like a weight (ha! pun, pun!) has been lifted off of me this weekend. I've been so BLAH for the last couple of months, and I think I'm emerging from a funk of sorts. I was supposed to have lost like...15 pounds or so by this time of the year (from Jan 1st), and...uh...didn't happen. I'm so tired of being fat... but, interestingly enough, it's not really affecting my self image TOO much...(side note: my son, who is 12, confessed to me that the kids at school call me fat...but he defends me...I felt sad, shed a tear or two, then moved on...I figured they did do that; they're kids and all, but...well, I moved on) I do feel happy that I've lost 40+ pounds in the last 10 months...but...I'd like to keep going, and I've been stuck here since October, y'all. But that's when my stress levels REALLY kicked into high gear, so I'm not surprised. I am hopeful that with this dawning of a new attitude, I'll get back to being a loser.

Yeahhhhhh, I sure hope so...

Happy Monday,

FatMom

Day 95...179 as usual!

2008-03-29T22:08:00.000-07:00

Today was a bad food day. I'll just leave it at that. Not HORRIBLE, but, pretty gosh darn ugly.

Took my yellow duckling's "boot" off today. His/her foot looks SO much better. It's mostly flat, but...I doubt it will ever be "normal." He/she just also seems to tire out much faster than the black duckling. *sigh* FatMom worries about her babies...but they're both eating and growing quite well. The husband keeps asking me what my "plans" are for the ducks. I'm not sure yet...I DO know I should probably keep them until they're big enough to fend for themselves against older ducks. But I'm already having a stroke thinking about parting from them...

I DID, however, figure out something today... you may recall that I had a screwed up childhood. I don't think I ever formed the cohesive thought of: "geez, no one ever took care of me" and/or "no one ever protected me" until this morning when I was thinking of my ducks, all my animals, my animal rights activism, my veganism, and my love for children...WHY I will stop at NOTHING to protect those who are weak and who are easy targets. It's because I'm trying to right the wrong of my growing up years. I have an insatiable desire to rescue and protect because by doing so, I'm in essence rescuing the little girl I used to be.

How's THAT for some growth? Or, it's all a bunch of arm-chair, pop psychology psychobabble. ha!

Toodles,

FatMom

Day 94...weight? Steady, steady...

2008-03-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

My "babies!" Aren't they soooo cute?? The yellow one has a bum foot...trying to get it fixed up...He/She looks sooo cute trying to run around with the cast that goes "thump, thump, thump" when he/she tries to keep up with his/her brother/sister. *sigh* I'm in looooooveeee!

If you haven't check out my "cyber pal" Tigerlilly's blog, I'd highly recommend it. (link: http://whereistigerlilly.blogspot.com/) She's one cool chick. What I like about her is that she acknowledges all the crap she's gone through, all the crap she participated in, and still can stand back and say: Yeah, it was a stinky mess, but...that's done. I think that's where I'm getting stuck. Here's a blurb from her blog today (I hope it's ok that I share...):

We are given one body in this lifetime. Why would we just let it rot? My goal is to be the strongest and healthiest person that I can be.. I may never reach goal...only because there will always be something that I can do to better myself.

Dang...Here's the difference between Tigerlilly and myself: My BRAIN believes statements such as that. I've SAID myself statements such as that. But I can't seem to coordinate my brain and my soul for very long. That's what I'm working on right now. I'm working on the "Fearless Living" plan by Rhonda Britten. I've got all of her books, but I decided to start with the "Change your life in 30 days" book. I've even make a 30 day blog that you can check out if ya feel like it:( http://fatmom-30daystochange.blogspot.com/). I'm trying to see if THAT's where I'm breaking down...that it's the FEAR that's holding me back.

Tigerlilly also mentioned in her latest blog that the thing she's most scared of is that she WILL reach her "goal" weight. Because...well...then what does she have to focus her energy on? I know that feeling all too well. Not exclusively in the realm of weight loss, but...I know that hyper-focused energy that can come from being like a laser pointer locked onto something. I realized that THAT type of focus and energy (for ME) was my way of "running away" from things that were painful to me...keeping my energy so focused on something...nearly to the point of obsession, it made it very convenient for me to pretend everything was ok. So, I can't go back there.

Today holds a visit from my sister in law...fun...and then? Not much. I've been keeping myself pleasantly busy with household projects, organizational issues and my sweet little ducklings!

Have fun, and HAPPY FRIDAY!

-FatMom

Day 93...weight? The same...

2008-03-27T10:05:00.000-07:00

I just read a comment on the ole bloggy here from my new cyber-pal, Tigerlilly. She was commenting on my whiny lament about the pictures that my father in law took on Easter and how I was finding it difficult to see the dramatic truth about how I look...anyhow, this lovely young lady told me she'd had cancer and still let herself "go," despite surgery, recovery and eventual remission (I'm paraphrasing here and hoping I have said details correct). THEN, she had a revelation about becoming healthy and hasn't looked back since.

After I read that, I sat there in stunned brain silence (not something that happens too often for ole FatMom). My first coherent thought after recovering my "voice?" That THAT is one tough cookie. My second thought? That I'm a whiny, lazy loser (and "loser" as in not in a good "loser" way). My third thought? What the *%#@ is WRONG with me? I have NO reason not to work as hard as I can and become as healthy as I can.

Oh, wait...I realized then that I DID have a reason...see, I realized that in order for my BODY to be healthy, my MIND has to be healthy. I've come a long way, though...I gained a lot of mental fitness while I lost a lot of weight. I've grown AS a person while I've lost a lot OF my person. But...I'm not totally healthy in the mind department with regards to my self-image. Better, yes, but...as healthy as a person CAN be? No, not yet. I'm not sure one can have a healthy body without a healthy mind first, because you'll keep sabotaging yourself because you don't LIKE yourself (what a tangled web we weave...) I think THAT may be the reason I've stopped losing weight. I've been stuck in the high 170's for 5 months now. I realize I'm "stuck" because I've made sure to STAY "stuck."

See, stripping away the many layers of fat reveals the pain that layered on the fat in the first place. If fat really is a protective layer in the metaphorical sense, then taking it away means that I will be vulnerable. That my LIFE will become vulnerable. And it HAS become vulnerable. I'm on the verge of possible family break up because I couldn't breathe anymore. I couldn't BREATHE, so I had to open my mouth. Except NOW, instead of putting FOOD in my mouth, I let WORDS come OUT of my mouth. True words, but...life changing words.

I got fat because I was in a lot of pain. The fat masked much of that pain. Once I started peeling away the layers, I realized how much pain I was in and didn't think I could continue living that way any longer. So, I spoke. Oops...scary stuff happens when I speak and let my TRUE feelings come to the surface. Now my words are punishing me, in effect. Of course, then, my natural inclination is to eat to "stop" the words. Which is what I've been doing the last 5 months. Eating just enough to keep me stuck so that I don't peel away more layers. Eating just enough so that my pain is not INCREASED. Eating just enough so that I have time to acclimate to this new way of living.

I got some books by Ronda Brittan (sp??) called the "Fearless Living" series. I've just started it, but, her premise is that we're held back by FEAR. I don't want to be held back anymore, and this gal may be just the person to help me deal with my fear. She had a major, traumatic, forever-life-altering experience when she was a teen, and I figure...jeez, if she can overcome THAT, then surely I can overcome my garden variety fears, right?

Right?!

Onward, my friends~

FatMom

P.S.: A quickie cyber "high five" for my pal Kim! She has come SO far and I'm so proud of her! I've "watched" her pummel her scale with sheer determination and I'm so thrilled...a wee bit jealous, but...jealous in a good way. GOOOOOOOOOOOO, Kim!!!

Day 91...still...

2008-03-25T17:00:00.000-07:00

I forgot to tell y'all...must be my lack of sleep due to ducklings...

On Easter, I allowed my professional photographer father in law to take some photos of me with the kids and husband. Let me tell you...as a fatty, I avoid photos at ALL costs. I will go to extraordinary lengths to avoid the camera. Why? Because the camera does NOT add pounds, it just makes it so you cannot deny the truth. A photo tells you the whole dirty story. And I read mine on Sunday. I did not look horrid, so that IS an improvement, but...well, I didn't really like how I looked. It reminded me I still need to lose at least 20 more pounds, preferably more like 30-40. It also confirmed that Botox is likely to be on the agenda before too long. I also realized that I'm just not that pretty, y'all...that's a toughie to face (ha, there's a PUN in there!). Maybe that's why I cry so much when I watch Extreme Makeover...

Just thought I'd share those camera thoughts with ya, and, the victory I felt when not only did I ALLOW photos to be taken, but then I actually had the COURAGE to LOOK at the photos afterwards. The husband even wants to get some printed and FRAMED. EEKS...don't know about all that, now...

Big love,

FatMom

Day 91...still 179...sigh

2008-03-25T09:50:00.000-07:00

My other "baby" hatched yesterday afternoon. This one (Doodles) is more browinish than yellow like #1 is (Peach, though I call Peach "Easter" because he/she was born on Easter). Looks like Easter has a bum foot (lame duck!). I contacted a vet, and she indicated that that's pretty common when the incubators experience too much fluctuation in temperature. Dang it! She said they get along just fine in life, though they may need to be watched to make sure they get enough food/water because they may get picked on by the others... Anyhow, I've been enjoying these little peepers so much! I did call my co-teacher and asked if she ate the fowl she keeps, and she insisted no, she does not...phew! So now I can feel ok (not great, but ok) with this whole rigmarole. I think I shall make it my mission in life to try and get teachers to stop using animals in the classroom! Both as "pets" and as "educational materials." Gawd, I hate that. Don't get me started...

ANY-way, I've enjoyed the distraction of the ducklings, though. Funny how we can start to obsess on the details of our life if we don't have enough proper distractions to pull us out of ourselves. I know I fall into mild depression when I don't have a "campaign" to work on. I get into trouble when I have too much time to THINK.

I've got my ADD class tonight (followed by a concert with my sister...whooo-hooo!!)...trying to learn as much as I can to help my daughter (and my students) cope and excel in spite of AD/HD. I feel that once the AD/HD is diagnosed and treatments are started (whether it be medication or not), AD/HD can be a significant gift. Right now, though, daughter feels it is a curse. Last night she was in tears telling me about how hard it is to have ADD, how difficult it is to simply function and that it is a challenge for her to be 'happy.' Wow, I knew a lot of AD/HD kids suffered from depression, amongst other things, but...I'd hoped we'd had enough discussions to possibly bypass a lot of those feelings of despair. I don't candy-coat her difficulties with her, per se, and I don't tell her she's going to be "normal" ever in her life. I DO tell her that we can learn how SHE learns, and that she can learn to excel, not just in spite of, but BECAUSE of her ADD. I worry about her until I could throw up. I love that her brain is not "typical" and I tell her that. Being "normal" and like everyone else is BORING. I want her to embrace herself, but at 11 years old, you just want to be the same as everyone else. I understand. But my baby is not just another brick in the wall, a la Pink Floyd. I KNOW she is going to lead a very substantial life. She is very much her own girl...SO independent and amazingly talented...but, when she needs me, my arms will always be right here to pull her close when she needs it.

Fuzzy Duckling Nuzzles,

FatMom

Day 90...weight? About the same...

2008-03-24T09:33:00.000-07:00

I'm a new mommie!!! My 2nd/3rd grade students decided to incubate duck eggs, and, well...I'm not too excited about THAT...you know me, animal rights activist and all that...I cannot STAND the exploitation of animals in any way...ok, off the ole soap box...ANY-way, one of my co-teachers set this all up and, smart as she is (seriously), she didn't think to check a calendar to see WHEN these eggs would hatch (right in the middle of our spring break, therefore making the ENTIRE project COMPLETELY useless). So, I volunteered to take the incubator home because I am self centered in only one manner...and that's that I think I'm the best person to care for animals. I put their care before my own in all situations, and...well, I only trust myself to care for the innocent creatures. That all being said, these eggs have been sitting in my home office now for about 10 days. The calendar told me they were supposed to hatch on Easter (ironic, huh?), and sure enough, one baby poked its way out last night about 10 p.m. Another one started about midnight, but I've seen no progress since then. Gosh, I hope it lives! (oh, that was weird! Just as I wrote that, it started pecking again out of its egg!!)

When taking said eggs home I said to the co-teacher: Ummm...I have NO idea how to care for baby ducks... She said: call me, and I'll pick them up. Ok, sounds good, considering these eggs came from her "mini farm," and she raises ducks. But...now I'm terrified...does she EAT these ducks? I can't give them to her if she's just going to EAT them...I'll need to figure that out before I give them to her...I'd rather take them to a wildlife rehabber.

Oh, great...why do I get myself into these messes??

Day 87...Still at 179~

2008-03-21T08:23:00.000-07:00

I've been spending a lot of time thinking lately. Must be the time off of work and all the fence painting I'm doing...there's something to be said for manual labor...kind of like exercise...as soon as you find your rhythm, your mind is free to wander. I've found it to be very relaxing out in the beautiful 70 degree weather...just me and the birds singing...ANY-who...I recently watched a show on, I believe, NatGeo, where they were exploring the world under the ground of our every day lives. They toured the labyrinth of sewer systems in Dublin, IR (did ya know, "Dublin" means "dark pool?" Just a little tidbit there for ya from the teacher in FatMom)...very pretty sewer system. Lots of brick work...quite lovely.

They also toured some cave-like structures in another part of Ireland...where??? Don't recall that, but people 4500 years ago (!!!) built these rock tunnels and chambers on top of the ground, using only rock...no mortar... then covered them with mounds of dirt to look like a "simple" hill. These tombs were "built" 500 years BEFORE Stonehenge! That's so crazy cool! And they're still in pristine condition! So, anyhow, after they built these tombs, they piled the dirt on top of them and it wasn't until just recently that they were discovered. People thought "oh, that's a nice hill," not knowing it was a manufactured landscape! Experts surmised that the tombs were built to protect villagers from marauding bands.

But the one that really fascinated me was the tour of the caves in Dowd, IR. These naturally existing caves were likely also hiding places for villagers from the Vikings. Seems those Vikings were some nasty people! In one section of the cave, they found bones carbon dated back 1000 years ago...bones of women and children. See it appears that the Vikings had a very lucrative slave business in Europe. They'd snatch up teenage boys and women and sell them to powerful and rich persons throughout Europe, especially in the Roman and Greek empires (after they castrated the young men...ewwww). So, when the Vikings were coming for a visit to your village, they didn't just want some tea and cookies. Archaeologists think that the women and children who hid in the cave were in essence smothered to death, as the Vikings likely tried to smoke them out, thereby denying the air of oxygen. I suppose it'd be better to die that way than at the hands of the Vikings. Another interesting side note...the word "slave" comes from the word "Slavic," since a HUGE proportion of slaves the Vikings snatched were of Slavic origin. You know, just in case you're ever on Jeopardy! or something like that...

Can you imagine? How our lives have changed. We don't have to worry about bands of marauding Vikings anymore, blazing into town to steal our sons, killing our husbands, raping our daughters...or do we? Maybe life can be just as scary, except it's not Vikings, it's just life in general that destroys us.

My son's best friend's neighbor was just murdered by her boyfriend. A father in our locality just attacked his girlfriend with an ax and then kidnapped their 2 year old son and killed him with a screwdriver. We've had 3 home invasion robberies in my VERY SMALL, VERY NICE neighborhood (that's maybe one square mile in size) in the last 2 months. An acquaintance just blew his head off with a 12 gauge shotgun the other day in his home with his bride in the other room; he was apparently abusing prescription drugs. My daughter's best friend, who just turned 11, was diagnosed with a degenerative disease and 2 brain tumors.

I just want to keep my kids safe and healthy. When my kids were very small babies, I thought: Man, THIS is the hard stuff! Then, they got older and I realized that babies are not difficult. That's reactionary parenting...they cry, you run through a list of what could the the issue and most likely, you'll figure it out. I was able to nearly completely control their atmosphere. Now, I can't. I still do to a large degree, but I know that that door is rapidly closing. I've spent their whole lives (11 years and nearly 13 years) trying to teach them many lessons, but I think the MAIN theme tying them all together is this: Respect yourself and others around you. It seemed to me that if one 'respected' themselves, they would avoid many of the pitfalls of life than can lead to precarious living conditions. If one has 'respect' for themselves, they are likely to resist drugs, alcoholism, abusive relationships, dead end jobs, etc...things that can lead to a lifestyle that is not safe.

So I started pondering this idea of "safety," while painting. Safety is a big concern for me; always has been. It's been a rare feeling for me my whole life. Growing up, I lived in a somewhat rural area. We didn't have a lot of things growing up, but one minor (and yet significant thing to ME, was that) we didn't have any window coverings. (I guess you don't think it's necessary when half of your windows are broken and have been for YEARS...) At night, when I'd be falling asleep, I could look out my window and only see blackness. I was always sure I'd be looking out there at one point and see a pair of eyes staring back at me...I referred to our land as "ax murderer country." We could all be killed and no one would know FOR DAYS!

Blah, I digress...I have rarely felt completely "relaxed" and "safe." Is it because I'm female? A mother? And thus the most vulnerable of the group? Trust me, it's not just because I live in a city that has it's fair share of crime, because I KNOW statistically speaking, it is rare that violent crime is a completely random thing. Car break ins? Yes, random. Murder? Usually not... it's the family member who does it, or it's drug related, or some other 'lifestyle' situation. So, it's not that...maybe it's the whole "out of control" thing. I've been accused of being a control freak by my husband. Maybe...maybe not...but I do know that I don't like that out of control feeling, which may explain why I've NEVER done drugs (seriously, folks), and why I've not drank more than 2-3 drinks in a row since my 23rd birthday. Maybe I feel so unable to control so many things in my life that I feel compelled to control the only thing I possibly can 100%, which is me. That would likely explain my eating disorders.

Whew...I'll bet all of faithful readers (all 3 of you!) would really like me to go back to work and stop thinking (and writing) so much!! Sorry....2 more weeks of this then it'll be back to normal!

All the best,

FatMom

Day 85...179 today~

2008-03-19T08:53:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I was doing some errands, and I was sitting at a stoplight. I live in a large, metropolitan city here in beautiful Northern California, and I'm sorry to say, the homeless panhandlers are a common sight here, depending on which neighborhood you happen to be in at any given moment. ANYway, I have to tell you that I worked at a homeless shelter for quite a number of years and enjoyed my job a lot. It was a shelter that assisted women and children only, though we were affiliated with a very well known "general homeless population" assistance group. I got to know the ins and outs of homelessness, the reasons for it, the effects of it, etc...and I need to tell you, in my PERSONAL opinion, there were very few cases of "bad luck" or "unfortunate events" that lead to most people's homelessness. Typically it is simply bad decisions. Decisions about going back with that abusive boyfriend, drug addiction, alcoholism, allowing your husband to use your home as a drug acquisition mecca, and on and on. It is NOT usually because your company was downsized over night, or you defaulted on your mortgage because your child became ill. It's usually a series of bad decisions. And, a fairly decent amount of the time, it involves untreated mental illness. I used to give the homeless money when they asked, and stopped when I started noticing them taking my money and NOT going to McDonald's for something to eat, but rather to the corner Quickie Liquor and boozing it up. Now I simply donate to reputable organizations or I donate items for them to use.

Wow, I digress...back to the original story... So, I see this guy. He's VERY well dressed. Shirt tucked in, not wrinkled. Very neat, clean looking. His sign is carefully lettered. He's an older guy...maybe in his later 50's, gray hair. Clean shaven. Looked like he could be my dad or the grandfather of one of my students. I wondered for a second if he really WAS homeless, or if he was one of those losers who PRETENDS to be homeless because he makes more money on the street than he does cashiering at his job at WalMart. Or, is he one of those guys who does an expose on the homeless and he's simply "acting?"

But then I saw his eyes. The homeless have a particular way of scanning a crowd of cars waiting at the stoplights. They scan very quickly and with their eyes almost downcast, never hovering for more than a split second over any particular vehicle. I don't mean this in a derogatory manner, but they remind me of my dog when we're eating something he finds particularly tasty and he keeps looking up to see if I'm going to offer him any. He doesn't want to seem like he's begging, but he really wants some...so if he plays it cool, maybe he'll get tossed some. That's what this guy reminded me of. Needy, but shy. Hurting, but patient. Just wanting to get through the day.

I started to cry. What was this guy's story? What happened to this guy who looked like he could have been an executive just a short time ago...heck even yesterday? Is he mentally ill? Did his wife dump him into the street because he's an alcoholic? Does he have children? Where does he sleep? What does he dream about? Is he happy? Does he REALLY want a different life?

I cried because I realized so many things in those 2 minute sitting at that light. I realized he and I were really not that different. I have a place to sleep each day and plenty to eat; I don't worry about my safety...but we're both missing vital elements in our life. What are the basic human needs? Food, shelter, safety? Is that it? Then, after that...our mind can worry about other things, such as companionship, belief in a higher power, etc...but we can't think of all that until the basic needs are met. My basic needs are really not being met, therefore I can't really think of anything else. I've got the food, yes, and I've got the literal "shelter/safety"...but I don't have the figurative "shelter" and "safety."

That's what I'm working on. And that guy? Still thinking about him...if I see him again, I might just take him to McDonald's and buy him a (disgusting) quarter pounder and talk to him for a while. I'll bet he'd have some wisdom for ole FatMom. Probably tell me to stop being such a baby and enjoy all that I have.

More stuff to ponder whilst I FINISH that blasted fence today~

FatMom

Day 84...Ok, I'm at 180...

2008-03-18T08:40:00.001-07:00

NOTE: VERY controversial subject matter. Read if you want...but you've been warned...

Yesterday was a hard day. I spent a lot of time reflecting on the state of my self and my marriage. Our marriage counselor asked us to write out two different items:

Number 1: write out, in detail, what we think it would be like to

a) stay together and "make it work"

b) stay together with the express understanding we'd be living

'parallel' lives in the hopes we're doing the best thing for the kids

c) separate with the intention of divorce

Number 2: write out, in detail, what we think we'd like in a mate; all the qualities

we believe to be important to us...e.g.: personality traits, hobbies,

sexual habits, etc...

I've been considering these items in my head the last couple of weeks since our appointment. I've been trying to do an outline in my head before I put fingers to keyboard. Because I haven't written a book yet, the husband thinks I'm stalling in an effort to allow us to slide back into our untitled "paralleled/roommates" lives. Wrong. He's super anxious for me to give him an ANSWER: stay together and TRULY make it work, or, get divorced. ("roommates," for the kids's sake is a scenario he won't even THINK about, so that eliminates one option for us--less "homework," eh?) He's chomping at the bit, ready to zoom out there and find himself another woman who will fulfill all of his needs. I'm not joking here, friends. He's felt so unfulfilled romantically for so long, he just is busting at the seams to have someone love him in the manner he wants. That's fine. I understand. But I'm not going to take 2 weeks to decide what to do with a 17 year relationship, and, more importantly, the lives of two innocent kids. I WILL take my time and make a CAREFUL inventory to try and come up with the "best" answer. But he's very pushy. All the while saying he LOVES me and he wants to be with ME. Hmmm...

Ok, so I'm guessing these two "assignments" may not sound too difficult, especially the one where we write out what we think makes an "ideal" mate for us, but, let me tell you, this is VERY difficult for me because I have NO idea what I'd like in a mate. I know what I DON'T like in the one I chose, but is that the same thing?

The husband sent me a "relationship survey..." a type of questionnaire where you answer a variety of questions relating to (drum roll) your relationship. Questions such as: what type of hobbies or leisure activities do you enjoy as a person, and what type of activities do you enjoy as a couple? Who handles the finances and how is the division of household labor divided? That type of stuff. It was all very dry and straight forward until I got to the question that said: Life Traumas: Past & present grief, loss, death issues, divorce, separation, molest/rape? Well, FatMom friends, I practically wrote a book there. And I cried the ENTIRE time. Is this where my "issues" can be traced back to? As you may be able to guess, my childhood was a &%*#ed up mess. While it is still very painful, I don't blame anyone. But I do wonder how it affects my life and my marriage today. I wonder how watching my mom have one abusive relationship and one relationship where they simply co-existed has affected me. I'm sure that having two alcoholic dads has colored my view of the husband's alcohol consumption quite a bit. I also wonder how having a mother who was absolutely DEVOID of emotion has affected me. I loved my mother so much, and I still do...I think of her daily...but I'm an honest person: she wasn't a good mother, but she did the best she could with what she had available to her. She was a person...not a fictional character and she had a lot of flaws. And that's ok. Am I screwed up because my dad molested me? Then, completely rejected me? (I haven't even spoken to him since I was 18; his choice) Perhaps it's because I've always felt as if people use me, and I let them because I just want to be LOVED.

Or is it because I had an abortion when I was 22? Friends, let me tell you in plain English: THAT single event destroyed me for the next 10 plus years on a DAILY basis. I'd never really liked myself all that much up until that point, but I was just learning to when I discovered I was pregnant. I was just learning to respect myself and make healthy decisions based in reality and not emotion. But, ya see...the (future) husband and I were dating at that point for a year. He'd just broken up with me a few months earlier for a nebulous reason, which turned out to be another girl, but...I don't want to get off track...we got back together a few months later, and whammo! I must have gotten pregnant the first time we had sex. How? Besides the obvious, I don't know how. I was always very careful about birth control. But it happened. So, when I found out I was pregnant, I knew I couldn't have the baby because what mattered most to me at that point was keeping my relationship with the future husband together. I knew if we had the stress of a pregnancy and birth at 22 (remember he already HAD a 2 year old and a fresh divorce under his belt at that tender age) we'd never survive. So, I had an abortion.

He never said a word about it. I felt as if he pretended nothing was going on. I'm guessing he was having deja vu...3 years earlier his girlfriend told him she was pregnant, and he married her so they could provide a "legitimate" family for the child. I'm guessing he was freaked out and didn't want to do THAT again, so, he stayed silent. Didn't say one FREAKING word.

I just wanted my "body" back, and wanted to have the abortion as quickly as possible so that I could forget about it. I counted down the days. Then, I did it. I remember practically skipping out of the clinic, deliriously happy it was over. Over the course of the previous month, I'd entertained the option of having the baby and raising it with the (future) husband, but knowing that wouldn't work out, because there's no WAY we could survive such a stressful situation. I thought about just raising it on my own. My family would help. But in the end, I decided my relationship was more important than a child's life.

A couple of days after the abortion, a wave of realization came over me: I killed my baby.

That thought haunted me and tortured me mentally, physically, spiritually and emotionally on a DAILY basis for 15+ years. The depth of my self-hatred could not be described. I was the lowest of the low to kill my child. I didn't deserve to be happy. Jeez, I didn't deserve to live myself. Those particular thoughts weren't really solid in my brain, I just couldn't believe I could do such a thing. I was a "good" person. I wouldn't hurt anyone; I wouldn't lie or cheat or steal. I picked up trash on the street, even if it wasn't mine. I saved injured animals. I wrote poetry and grew flowers. I bought gifts for homeless children. And yet I killed my baby.

That, FatMom friends, was the singular most traumatic event of my life; it was truly the unravelling of my psyche for many years. While I have not forgiven myself, I have learned to live with the guilt. And, do you know, the husband and I have NEVER talked about this, save for one TINY sentence about 8 months after the abortion when he said: "Gosh, I wish we hadn't done that." I recall my response: "You tell me this NOW? After I've tortured myself for 8 months?" More pain flooded in at that moment. It took a loooooong time to learn to live with that...Oh, wait...we did touch on the subject again a few years later when I found out I was pregnant with our second child, our daughter. The husband agreed to have our son the previous year, but didn't want more children (our son made #2 for him). So, he had a vasectomy. I supported the decision, but...I wanted to have more than one child, but...ok...at least I got one of my own... well, the vasectomy wasn't a total success, and we knew that. We continued to have sex unprotected and I wasn't worried because a) the doctor said the husband was 'technically' infertile...though there were a few live sperm and I COULD get pregnant, and b) it was no secret that I wanted to have one more child. The morning he said: Wife, I don't want to have another baby; we have to use birth control until I can get another vasectomy, I had a feeling I was already pregnant. And, yes I was. When I told him, he said: Wife, I DO NOT want to have another baby. I said: Husband, I know you don't. He looked at me again and said....No, you don't understand, I DON'T want to have another baby (meaning: have an abortion). My eyes flew open wide and I said: I will NOT do THAT again. You can leave and never come back, but I will NOT do that again; I cannot live through that again.

So, he just didn't talk to me for 3 weeks and I spent the whole of the pregnancy quiet and not wanting to share any of it with him (though he wouldn't have wanted to hear of anything anyways, considering he didn't even care about the first one he said he WANTED to have)...and I've spent the kids' whole lives feeling like they were MY responsibility because I wanted them. Kind of like a dog, I guess...he loves them, no doubt. But he would have been perfectly happy having none of them.

But to back up slightly, it was around the time of the abortion that I really began overeating. You may recall that I was anorexic before, and that even in the young adult years (say 19-21), I would revert to anorexia on periodic occasions. But, I suppose...I couldn't partake in anorexia anymore at that point in my life because when I was thin, people (read: everyone, but especially men) found me attractive. And when people find others attractive, good things tend to happen to them. Well, I couldn't LET good things happen to me. I needed to do what I could to ensure BAD things happened to me, and everyone knows fatties are mistreated, ignored, misunderstood, and taken for granted.

And that was my life until I was around 29. Then I became seriously depressed because my mind was growing tired of pushing my true feelings down. My mind was wanting to LIVE. What's depression? (everyone together, now: depression is anger turned inwards) Too painful. Bring on the medication. After a couple of years of that, I just (subconsciously) decided: this isn't the life I want to live, but I made my bed, so...get comfy! So I did. Still continuing to overeat to soothe myself. I didn't like being fat, but I couldn't muster up enough energy to do anything about it.

Yet again, the mind is a powerful thing. My mind knew I could be better. So I (mostly) stopped overeating, started exercising and enjoying my life. I realized no one was going to make it better for me, so I had to do it myself. And I have.

Except now, I'm in a mess because my marriage, and the person I chose to be my spouse, was a mistake. The husband isn't a bad person, he's just not what I would have chosen if I were older than I was at the time (21), and if I actually LIKED myself. But now we have two kids, and how do you do that to them? I already destroyed one child's life...how can I do that to two more?

Can I "make it work" with the husband? Setting the kids aside for a moment, do I want to make it work? We're vastly different people...is it possible to have it work? Or would I just be ignoring my true feelings again? That's not fair to either of us. But, yet again, it's the kids who are my focus. What do I want in a spouse? The romantic/sexual part is the most difficult aspect for me to define, because I've become SO out of touch with my romantic/sexual side for SO long, I feel like I don't need that in my relationship. But is that REALLY true? Or do I just not feel that I need it with the husband? Would it be different with someone else? There's no way to know without getting divorced. Is sex/intimacy important to me right now? No way. Did it used to be? Oh, yeah. What changed? Can I get it back? Or is it really ME now...did I change because I got older? Did I lose my "romance" gene? How does one get their "mojo" back INSIDE of a damaged marriage, anyhow?

These are the deep questions I am to ponder today while I paint our backyard fence.

Peace,

FatMom

Day 83...I know what the weight is, but I'm not gonna say it!

2008-03-17T08:49:00.000-07:00

Yes, I AM a little down today. And yesterday, and the day before, and the day before, and the day before...have you ever gone to the doctor and said: "please check this...I really think something is wrong..." And they do, and they say: "no, everything looks great." Then you leave, and you start to think you're nuts, but then you go to ANOTHER doctor because you just can't get rid of the nagging feeling something isn't right...and you ask the same question, and they ALSO tell you it's ok. So, you go to yet another doctor, while feeling crazy, mind you, and ask the SAME thing. And, guess what...they say the same thing: the issue you're talking about is MINOR, and you just need to learn to live with it and quit fighting it.

THAT is the story of my life, friends. Me, constantly feeling like something is wrong, but I can't quite put my finger on EXACTLY what it is, so I'm left feeling like I'm crazy...trying to IGNORE the nagging voices that drone on and on about how things are NOT ok...I was watching a show the other night on t.v. about trans-gender people. If you're unaware, these are people born biologically male or female, but knowing from preschool-ish age that they are the OPPOSITE sex. Meaning: they're technically male, for instance, but they FEEL female inside. They're attracted to men, but are not homosexual. They've simply been assigned the wrong genitalia. So, they try to pretend it's not true. They marry women, join the military, have kids, etc...all the while having to work SO hard to push their true selves back inside due to public scrutiny, family obligations and the like. But then they get to a point where (a lot of them) decide: I can't live like this. I would rather die than continue to live this lie.

No, I am not trans-gender. But I understand the feeling of being so overwhelmed by your true self's voice begging, pleading, crying, screaming...I try to shut out the voices by overeating. Or undereating. Or not exercising. Or by overexercising. Because the truth is too painful to deal with, I shift focus. But I can only do that for so long, because I AM NOT CRAZY. The human mind is a very powerful thing. It can trick us for quite a long time. But, then, I believe, our will to live becomes even more powerful than our mind, and our survival mode brain kicks in. Self preservation and all that, I suppose.

Can I tell you all something very, very personal? I've never even told my therapist about this...I'm too scared...Back in the late 90's and early 2000's, I was VERY depressed. I was quite functional, on a basic level, meaning I got up every day, I brushed my teeth, went to work, cooked dinner for my family, took my kids to the park, etc... but I was dead inside. I knew something was very wrong. I thought of suicide on a regular basis. I thought: I love my kids so much, I don't want them growing up with a mother who is so *&#$ed up. My first thoughts were: I could just walk away. Literally, just walk away if we were all out as a family together in a very crowded place, I could tell my husband I was going to the bathroom, and then just walk away. But then I realized that would be so mean to my kids. They'd constantly be wondering where I went. Was I alive? Dead? Why did I abandon them? They'd be looking for me their whole lives. Couldn't do that. Then I literally prayed for an illness to kill me. They couldn't be mad at me then. It would just be a sad thing that happened. But that phase didn't last too long, either, having grown up with a chronically, terminally ill parent myself...knew I couldn't put them through that kind of suffering.

SO, I concluded that suicide would be the best choice. But I'd have to make it look like a total accident. Knew I couldn't do it at home (creepy!), and I also knew I couldn't hurt anyone else in the process of taking myself out, so...hmmm...what to do, what to do...I finally concluded that single car accident would be the best choice. I'd be driving and my mind would wander...I could just hit the gas pedal and drive right into that huge tree right there. But is that one big enough? How fast would I need to be going to ensure I'd die? Because I knew I didn't want to be paralyzed. Or in a coma for 20 years. Jeez, that'd be worse than just plain old living to me.

In the end, of course, I didn't do a thing. Except get on antidepressants.

So, here I am, about 8 years later. I took those nasty pills for a couple of years. My husband called them my "happy pills." I thought of them as my "these-things-make-it-so-much-easier- to-pretend-everything-is-ok-pills." WHY was I so depressed? WHY have/had I eaten myself into extreme overweight? Because my whole life I've had to ignore the voice inside of me that kept/keeps telling me it is NOT ok.

At nearly 38, I've finally decided to listen to the voice. Things are not ok. It is not ok for me to not live a happy, fulfilled life. I AM a good person. I DO deserve to be happy. It's OK for me to stop torturing my body and mind. I DO NOT need to keep punishing myself. I CAN like myself.

I know that, friends, but why can't I embrace it? Why is it so hard? It sounds simple.

I had such high hopes the day I graduated from high school twenty years ago. I knew I could finally live the live I wanted, but couldn't growing up how I did. I started to do it, then, I drifted off course. The old habits returned, my comfort zone beckoned...and I slid right back into it. My kids are my greatest gift to myself and to the world. But I can't live vicariously through them. I can't burden them with all that I had wished I could be. I want to live the second half of my life with the vitality that I know I'm capable of. But I've dug myself into a massive hole and now I'm trying to fight and claw my way out of the hole I've dug.

Sorry to be so depressing today. It's such a process to work through all this crap. Sometimes I wish I could just a take a month and go live in the woods with a therapist and get it all done at once! Trying to work though everything while having to pretend to the outside world that life is all peaches and cream is very tiring. And very long (winded)!

Enjoy this pretty day,

FatMom

Day 80...weight? UP!

2008-03-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

I am really struggling with so many things right now. Guess what? It's my MOUTH that got me into each one of these miseries.

Buh-Bye,

FatMom

Day 76...weight? Unknown

2008-03-10T16:52:00.000-07:00

Ok, so I have a SERIOUS question:

Why, when I weigh myself first thing in morning...and say that weight is 180 pounds...WHY do I actually weigh less an hour later, even after I've had a half a cup of tea or coffee? And, HOW can I weigh the SAME at 4 p.m. as I did at 6:30 a.m. after I've eaten and drank all day...AND then HOW can I wake up in the morning and STILL be the SAME, too??

Weird...

See, THIS is what I obsess about. Don't you wish you were me? Gosh, I need a REAL hobby!

Toodles,

FatMom

Day 72...177 pounds

2008-03-06T16:35:00.000-08:00

Seems as if 177 is my best friend. The one I can't live without. My loving twin. *sigh* I'd like to see it GO, though. I'm tired of 177. So, here's my "Dear John" letter to 177:

Dear 177 pounds:

It was great seeing you, and wow, have I seen you OFTEN the last few weeks, but...well, it's really time for me to start seeing different, smaller numbers. See, I work really hard (most of the time) to get lower numbers and, well...you're just not what I want anymore. I'm growing smaller, and, well...hmmm...this is hard, because I so appreciated you, but...it's over. We're done. Just remember, though, it's not you, it's me. Wait a minute, it IS you! Good riddance! You weren't all that fun anyhow; I take back all that nice stuff I said earlier.

Love,

FatMom

Have fun today, friends~

FatMom

Day 69...Weight? Let's not mention it...

2008-03-03T16:45:00.001-08:00

So, food weekend was a blast! But you know what? I was really happy to get back to healthy eating this morning. It actually stresses me out when I'm not eating correctly. Now, not eating healthy for one meal is ok...no psychological collateral damage involved, but, when I do it for 48 hours straight? Well, it stresses me out. Therefore, happy to get back on track this morning. OH, and at one point, I was sitting on the couch thinking: What the f*** am I doing?! I got a little teary, then, just moved on!

Any-WHO, it's done. Put some new songs on my iPod over the weekend, and I rocked it at the gym today. Fun stuff!!!

Weight? Well, I think I paid for that little 48 hours of indiscretion, but...I'm sure it's mostly water, and it'll hit the road in a day or two.

Here's a little "shout out" to my cyber-friend FATINAH: You ROCK! You and Kim are my biggest inspirations...keep up the positive attitude!

Big love,

FatMom

Day 67...weight? Unknown...

2008-03-01T18:09:00.001-08:00

It's a FOOD WEEKEND, my friends! I have one every once in a while, and I don't feel guilty about it. Not going totally "Brittany-Spears-Crazy," but...maybe just "Shirley-MacLaine-Crazy."

Have fun...I know I will!

Oodles of Toodles,

FatMom

Day 65...177 pounds

2008-02-28T15:50:00.000-08:00

Guess what? Yesterday, when I got on the scale, it said 176 point something or other. I was all excited!! (I round DOWN, see)... so, being so excited, I got on the scale AGAIN, and it said 177.0. So of course I got on and off 3 more times just to "make sure." Each time it said 177.0, so that is the weight I shall cop to this week. Jeez, I even let out every gram of breath in me to see if I could get it to 176! No dice!

Is anyone else this weird about the scale?

I also took my measurements last week. I hadn't taken them since January 2nd, and I am excited to report that I lost inches! Yippee!!!! That's such an awesome feeling. Wish I could get the scale to cooperate, though, too!!! I'm too old school, I think. The scale is the ultimate measure of my success...silly, me knows, but...still...

Exercise is going well...a little sore the last few days and my feet are really annoyed. I LOVE wearing heels, but they just wreck my feet! By the time I get into my tennis shoes to work out, they already hurt. THEN, I pound out 3.5-4 miles, and, well, you can guess the rest. You know what sounds positively orgasmic? A foot massage by someone who knows what they're doing! (interesting side note: when I went to type the word "foot" in the last sentence, my fingers actually typed "food!")

On the plus side, weather here in CA is super! Gorgeous, sunny, clear, 70 degree weather! BEAUTIFUL! The only down side??? I know my allergies are going to start kicking back up soon...

Ciao, babies~

FatMom

Day 62...still not totally sure about weight~

2008-02-25T17:07:00.000-08:00

Wow, so, tis the season for high school reunion invites, eh? I am going hardcore from now until July when my personal blessed event will take place...will you? Though I do have to admit to having human tendencies, and I do, at times, mess up. But you know what's weird? When I mess up now, it's (mostly) a conscious decision and I ENJOY it! I can 'enjoy' it because I know it's relegated to a small moment in time where I say: I'm going to eat X and love every moment of it because I know at my next meal, I will make completely sane choices.

THAT, my friends, is power. I feel strong when I can do that with nary a wrinkle at my brow.

Today, I feel strong.

Lots 'o love,

FatMom

Day 56...weight? Unknown....it's my TOM!

2008-02-19T17:07:00.000-08:00

Well, it's been a fine week. Nothing special, but nothing horrible. I did get some decent work outs in, and food hasn't been too tough, considering it's my TOM. My weight went up along with the TOM, so...I don't know if there's any collateral damage or not. I'm hoping not.

I was just reading my "cyber friend" Kim's blog...I know I talk about her a lot, but you've got to understand she is such an inspiration to me. She's exercising like a fiend, and she's obviously keeping on top of her food quite well...she's lost 70 pounds, y'all! I'm so happy for her!!! She was discussing how she's kind of "stuck" at 70 pounds. The same way I seem to be somewhat "stuck" at 40 pounds. Is this "stuck-ed-ness" due to a REAL, PHYSICAL factor, or is it a sneaky psychological factor? Hmmm...I've been thinking of that...I really do belive I want to lose more weight. So...why isn't it happening in a more expeditious manner? I think I still overeat JUST ENOUGH to keep my losses generally in the category of 'mere ounces.'

Interesting... OH, and guess what? My 20 year high school renuion, I just found out, is in 5 months. Better get to crackin', huh? Though my 10 year reunion (well, it was actually 11 years, because that's just how organized our class was!), I was probably a solid 230 pounds. I saw photos (black and white PHOTOcopy PHOTOS, mind you), and I still looked horrible. To say I was embarassed would be an understatement. When I left high school, I was 115 pounds, and I thought I was grossly overweight! ha! Most of high school, I was under a hundred pounds. So silly to think of it now. Can you imagine how shocked those people were to see me? Gosh, I swear I'd changed more than anyone...ANY-way, I suppose just based on the fact that I am about 60 pounds lighter than I was at that reunion that I look better. Still, it would be awesome to drop another 20 before then. I was 'supposed' to be at my goal weight of 140 by June (my BD), but...I just don't know if that's feasible at this point in the game.

Onward, my friends~
FatMom

Day 51...177 pounds~

2008-02-14T17:01:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day (barf). I HATE Valentine's Day. Come to think of it, I also hate Christmas. I dislike most holidays. Why? Not totally sure. I started to dislike holidays after the parents died. Blah...

However, I was very touched by the display of kindess and affection from my students today. Totally sweet!!! And thoroughly unexpected. THAT is nice. I guess I one of the reasons I hate Valentine's Day is because it's so...manufactured. But kids get so excited when they give you a gift. You can't help but smile and feel your heart swell.

On the flip side, most of them gave me chocolate. As if I need THAT?! Are they TRYING to keep me fat? ha ha...

Weight is steady...but I'm ok with that, as it's nearly my TOM. Haven't gone berserk on food yet due to flagging hormones, so that's good, too. Bashed my knee SOOOO hard last night, I couldn't run today. I hit that sucker so hard I almost threw up. Not a pretty moment for me...But I didn't scream obscenities...so, that's one in the ole plus column.

Wishing everyone well,
FatMom

Day 48~ Weight? Not sure...didn't look today~

2008-02-11T16:04:00.000-08:00

So, I'm feeling anxious, irritable, a little weepy and hungry. PMS? Shouldn't be quite yet. Hmmm... I was feeling fine until I got to work this morning...then, that's when I saw IT. One of my co-teacher was going to be out this afternoon and I was scheduled to cover her class for the remainder of the day. The time when I GO TO THE GYM. I was immediately annoyed. They do they not ASK if I CAN cover the class, they just take for granted that I can and will. Could I have said NO? I suppose I could have. But let me tell you...I've not come across another profession where feelings and egos are so much a part of getting ahead or left in the dust. So, you COULD say no, but is that a smart career move? That is the question...Because education seems to be dominated by women (especially in the lower elementary grades), it's all about FEELINGS and LOYALTY and being SUPPORTIVE (read: when I want something, you'd better give it to me, or it means you don't like me, and if you don't like me, then I'm going to tell everyone you suck at your job even though I don't REALLY think you do, but you've hurt my FEELINGS, so I'm going to tell everyone...) You get the drift...

So, anyhow...I didn't go to the gym. I was mad about it because I have figured out that exercise is critical to my over all sense of well being. This is because:

1. I feel good about making the necessary strides to reach my goals of health and fitness
2. When I'm working out really hard, all I can concentrate on at that moment is simply breathing
3. After I'm done working out really hard, I can't care about anything unless it's super important, as I just don't have the energy

Working out calms my spirit and my mind. I have to have that, or I'll go nuts. I'm disappointed in myself. But I suppose I'll live.

Onward,
FatMom

Day 47...176...Ohhhhh, ahhhhh....

2008-02-10T14:12:00.000-08:00

I can hardly believe it...176. Too excited. Did 4.5 miles yesterday at a pace that just about gave me a heart attack. For the first time since I started this whole jog/run/walk thingie that I do, I felt a little queasy in the ole tummy from working a LEETLE harder than was probably smart. But it was worth it!

I am seeing a new shape taking over my body and it's nice. I REALLY looked at myself in the mirror this morning (nude, mind you), and for the first time in YEARS wasn't disgusted. I was not jazzed by what I saw, but I wasn't berating myself, either. Progress, progress.

Suppose I will always have a LARGE belly roll that hangs down and sits just above my lady gear. Tummy tuck is my fantasy, but...I don't know that I could actually cut off a huge chunk of my skin. I'm rather attached to it...it bears the evidence of my two children, after all. I'm the kind of person who busts out in a stretch mark if anyone even SAYS the word "stretch mark." Found the first ones when I hit puberty, and, trust me, I was not crazy overweight. I thought I was. My family told me I was, my classmates told me I was, but I know now I wasn't. I was NORMAL. So, I suppose I'll keep it, but it makes things a little difficult when it comes to certain clothes, because even now, I'm a 12/14 around the waist, and more like a 14/16 around my lower belly. So, either I have a huge gap at the waist band, or it's tight across the belly. A little frustrating. OH, and trying to wear certain clothes just doesn't work, because one can clearly see the outline of the tire, which is just kind of gross. My son (who is 12.5), laughs hysterically when I grab the tire in both hands and shake it up and down. He loves to take his fingers and poke them into my belly whilst making a squishy noise...pretending his whole hand is disappearing into my belly. He thinks it's funny. In a way, I do, too. I laugh along with him. I think he finds it facinating because he is just about as thin as a person could be without someone thinking he never gets to eat. But then I point out that the belly is getting smaller...he agrees... My daughter, on the other hand, thinks my belly is about the most disgusting thing she's ever seen! She's just turned 11, and has definite ideas about how a healthy body should look, and my belly just doesn't match that idea. She hates when I play with the belly. So, I don't do it in front of her.

This whole weight loss journey is so interesting. Who would have thought that SO much more changes than just the scale and how one's clothes fit? I knew it would be a big change, but...still, I do find it surprising at times.

Cheers,
FatMom

Day 44~ 178!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-02-07T16:14:00.001-08:00

Wow, wow, wow! Did my bleary eyes deceive me this morning? Nope, it was 178! Toooo cool!

So, I had a friend recently ask me about how I overhauled my eating habits...and she asked me for tips! Can you believe it?! FATMOM? Eating tips? And it didn't involve desserts or cream sauces? It was an interesting little paragraph or two I wrote...here's what I said:

Tips? Well...I transitioned slowly. When I went vegan (I know that's not your intention, but it'll help explain), I told myself that for the first month, I wasn't going to concern myself one little bit with how healthy I was eating, as long as I was eating vegan. So, it was everything from the healthy stuff to peanut butter and potato chips. Then, the second month, I decided I was going to cut out most of the junk (hey, I'm only human), but I could eat as much as I wanted. The third month, I started being careful about how much I ate. And, so, now here we are over a year later. I'm 42 pounds lighter and have never felt better. I can easily run 5 miles at a time, and nothing hurts anymore. I aim to lose 40 more...that would be ideal. But 20 would be fine, too.
SO, in effect, I'd just advise that you take it slow; don't try to overhaul a life time of eating habits in a week. Trade less healthy options for more healthy ones, such as whole wheat pasta for regular; rice crackers for potato chips, etc...Vegetables and fruits are key...as is a LOT of water. Exercise is important, but not where it's killing you and you dread it. Find out what YOU like to do. Weight lifting, I think, though, is super important. Any weight bearing exercise or cardio is awesome as it strengthens your bones better than all the milk on the planet. If you don't know a lot about nutrition, Dr. Weil has some cd's to listen to that make it all fairly simple...he's got one that's really good...though I can't remember the name of it!! I do remember that it's on one CD, and it's about 74 minutes long. He puts things into simple language. Ummm...if overeating is a problem for you (it was for me), learn which foods cause you to "fall off the wagon" and avoid them like the plague. If you DO make a mistake, chalk it up to learning, and immediately move on. Don't get discouraged if you don't see much happening, because eventually, IT WILL. I went on a new diet every freaking month for YEARS, only to have it last all of 2 days. It was only when I decided to be in it for the LONG haul, and to change my HEALTH, that it stuck; before I was only fixated on losing weight; that, actually, doesn't work. You have to find a larger reason, and mine was that I simply wanted to be more healthy.

Interesting, huh? To think I'd be here right now...Wow...hold on, just basking for the moment...ok, back to work! Can't slouch when it comes to this whole battle of the bulge. Because ya know...tomorrow the scale COULD say 179 again.

Cheers,

FatMom

Day 43~ 179 pounds

2008-02-06T16:47:00.000-08:00

Wow, has it been over a week since I last checked in? Man, oh, man... Well, last week, I was at 181, hoping to make it to 179 by today, and guess what, y'all? I DID IT! Down to my "all time low" weight (well, lowest weight in recent history...I used to weigh 83 pounds when I was anorexic, so, not my all time LOWEST weight!). ANY-way, I'm excited, because next week, when I post a loss again, and I know I can...I will be lower than ever! I've gained and lost the same crappy 5 pounds since November! GAK! So, I'm excited thinking next week, I'll be able to post a "REAL" loss.

Food has been good. Not been feeling great, so, actually, that's a help when it comes to the food thing. Not so great, though, on the work out front. EVERYbody at school (teachers, staff and students) has had either a NASTY respiratory flu, or the stomach flu, and I've not been feeling well for days now. But, I try to be ultra careful, so I'm hoping that I just have a mild case of the "disease of the week." Decided I should skip the ole workout today in the hopes that I'd kind of knock out whatever is trying to drag me down. Though I think a day in bed may be what I actually need.

Enjoy, my blogging friends~

FatMom

Day 35...weigh in tomorrow~

2008-01-29T17:08:00.000-08:00

Tommorow I weigh in. I'm looking forward to it. I find it interesting, though...when I weigh myself every day, I'm not confronted with a huge build up of anticipation, only to sometimes be dashed by perhaps a "nothing lost" number, and, on occasion, crushed by a GAIN! There's no huge surge of emotion...either happiness, confusion, anger, sadness, elation, surprise... Just a "hmmm..." feeling when I see the red number on a DAILY basis. But when I've worked hard for a week, there's that feeling where I'm holding my breath...crossing fingers, praying...as I step on the scale.

Wish me luck,

FatMom

P.S.: Concert was good, though I could have babysat 99% of those in attendance when they were NEWBORNS (and I was in late high school)...which is fine, except...I found those teens to be rude...shoving and pushing their way up closer to the stage...FatMom was knocked off kilter far more than once, and I'm no small cookie...but all in all, it was good. Late night, though, and I kept wanting to shout out to the crowd: HEY! Don't cha know it's a SCHOOL NIGHT?! Go HOME!